Chapter 10 November 2012

Chapter 10

November 2012

Tuesday Nov 2   Another month, oh well.  Oh boy, I think I might be drifting in to a “What the hell, I don’t give a damn” stage.  I did not walk or do yoga yesterday or today, just sitting around doing a fat lot of nothings.  I missed Wed and Friday finally got in a walk after lunch on Sat.  I have not even done much on this project blog.

Mick, Nancy and I went to Green2Go for lunch Sat and it was great, will definitely go back.  Finally got enough go juice, and did 1 mile up the alley in a decent time, even though a bit warm.  Going up is somewhat harder because is it steeper but shorter and a longer downhill the other way..  I needed a good workout, if it were a bit cooler I might even go later to get some more time in what should be done every day and without fail.

I often explore different ways to try to get better.  Alternative medicines, cutting edge mainstream medicine like stem cell therapy, self help like the Laws of Attraction or The Magic.  A couple of people in the group sessions that I attended swear by The Magic.  I do not know these people but just from listening to them anything that delivered a positive message that they could use and understand would probably help them.  One lady, in particular, I think, would have given up at the drop of a hat, whined to no end, and really did not know how to push or overcome obstacles till she read The Magic.  I am seeking more concrete answers than the wishy washy New Age crap. I think visualization is absolutely one of the best things I can do for myself.  At my age, and condition, it is probably not too realistic to see myself doing any 100 mile ultra runs so I focus on easier things that are likely achievable with time and hard work. I want to do trail 10ks that are not technical, maybe the Gore Tex Trans Rockies in 2014.  The TTR can be a fairly tough run because you are at altitude doing 20 or so miles every day for 6 days but they feed you well and make and take down a camp every day.  Pricey, yes but well worth it. This IS on my bucket list for 2014.  As soon as everything is settled I will do lots and lots of  road 5 and 10ks then I will hard work getting on the trails.

Image

Trail Headz – I am at the far right with the hat.

ekkmoro

 

Mick and I doing a short walk at one of the Headz meetings down in Laguna Coast Wilderness Park.

Just read about a nonagenarian (someone that is 90-99 years old) that just did 30 miles on a flat one mile loop in 12 hours and he is the first one of that age group to complete an ultra.  I AM gonna do the Nanny Goat next May and I want to see how I stack up to him.  Yeah, he is 20 years older than I am but still something I can shoot for.  I might be able to 15-25 miles or so by then but I don’t care, I just want to be out there.   Oh, for a 90 year old guy he is pretty damn good looking, looks maybe late 60s or early 70s.  Hope I will look as good.

Is writing this journal something of an ego trip?  I suppose it might be.  I do wish to have lots of contact with friends and if this journal ever goes public and hopefully there is feedback.  Maybe it will ease some of my loneliness. If I could just get out and walk however much I could stand or drive it would be lots easier to deal with being by myself all day.  Fortunately, I always seem to have 1 or 2 doctors appt almost every week and I do go to exercise class every week so that helps, some.

I understand why my right foot/leg  is problematic, a severed nerve and compound broken leg, rod in shin, metal plate on pelvis but why the hell is my left leg and foot giving me problems since no injuries on that side so what the hell gives? And sciatic nerves are shot so I cannot set anywhere worth a damn, no Brazilian Butt on me.

 Sunday Nov 4   Still keeps getting warm and messing with my mind set. I did take the dogs out for a

1 mile walk today and I think the times are SLOWLY getting better with them even though Bella has to do a lot of sniffing on the first lap.  Lately my right shoulder seems to bother me more.  Elbow is not great but perhaps a little better. Head is still not on straight, just feels a little woozie and vision sucks – I do go to an ophthalmologist  in about 3 weeks.  That I am looking forward to.  Yeah, I know part of the reason my vision sucks is I did have issues before the accident but I know for certain the hard head knock and comma did me NO GOOD.  Tinnitus comes and goes. Good news, only need Tylenol just very rarely

I love to read about people overcoming adversity.  Greg Hardesty, a running friend and reporter, wrote about a guy that was deaf until he received hearing aids and then heard music for the very first time.  He had tears after listening to Mozart.  There are dozens and dozens of stories like that out there and if I can return to some semblance of being out there I want very much to be an inspiration for someone.

I went to Dr Asher, family doctor, today, to complain about my feet, shoulder, and everything else.  He thinks my feet problems and sciatica issues might be back related so I’ll do back X-rays tomorrow.  He said this might happen even though I have no back issues at all. Once insurance is approved I’ll see another specialist.  Maybe get counseling and maybe something on the shoulder, I’ll take it all and gladly.  I hope they do find something and there might worthwhile treatments.

Did not do yoga again today but did 10 minutes of a new exercise that involves on swinging your arms as fast as possible for 20 second, slow for 10 seconds, and repeat.  Got in 10 minute hard work out today and got the ol’ heart rate up a little.  I’ll play around on some of the other exercises for a while.

Probably should not be doing this but I am walking at night without a cane, and hauling arse.  Fastest mile yet at 24:27 and a 5:31 fast lap.  This all going uphill which might be a wee bit harder. Whoo Hoo!  Wish I could brag on FB about this but not yet.  I happy, checked my weight this morning and 162, pretty darn close to what I was before the accident.  Still don’t think old pants will fit, I know the hip surgery expanded my waist.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Another happy walk thisTues night.  I did 1 mile in 20:35 and had 2 laps under 5 min.  I was actually running although someone could power walk faster than I’m running but do I give a damn? NO!  I can actually do better without the cane. Still, this is way fastest yet by nearly 3 or so  min.  Getting very close to my goal of 20 min miles but I think it would be good if I could actually walk that fast. I then took the dogs out for 2 more laps each and so I did a total of 2 miles w/o a cane.  I’ll be so ready to do the Brea 8k in Feb if we can get everything settled.

I’m not surprised but my hip is a little sore today but the soreness over the injury hurt is a good sore.  The injury/surgery hurts and nothing can be done about that but just deal with it.  Time to do yoga which I’ve not done for a few days.  That’s done and done, I can do 2 almost real pushups.  For months I had to do modified pushups and do them on my knees but now, it’s on the toes and almost all the way down.  It’s hard work and good for me.

Crap, my head seems to be swimming a lot today.  Maybe the fast walking and the election disappointments had something to do with it.  Think I’ll try a little nap.  Did, and still not worth a hoot!  Crap!  Did not sleep all that well last night but did rest a while today.  Exercise class today was good, I really need to do as much as I can throughout the day.  Did another dark walk but this time it was very slow and easy. I did not want to push at all.  As a matter of fact, going uphill was quite tiring and 1 mile was all I wanted. Especially since it is finally getting cooler it’s gonna be long pants/sleeves time soon.

Nancy just told me I have an orthopedic doc appt in Fountain Valley Monday at 3pm.  Yea!  Now maybe I’ll find out something about my feet and sciatic nerve in legs.  I’ll revise my “Health Issues” letter just a bit and give it to him.  This is a lot easier than trying to remember everything and when plus he’ll understand more about my issues.  I don’t say problems, I say “issues”, I don’t why but that sounds a little bit less whinning.

Did another short walk around the block tonight in Crocs, no cane and no brace.  I really did walk like a drunken sailor but I made it.  The Crocs are fine for around the house but if I do this again I will put my regular running shoes on see if those make a difference. I think this is the longest no brace walk and I am NOT gonna try to do much more till my ankle/foot is better

Friday Nov 9  I did not have anything planned for today, but a spot on my arm seems to not look good at all.  Had biopsy sutures removed a couple of weeks ago and supposed to go next week to get the last of the skin cancers out.  The doc looked at and said it would be fine until next week.  Now I just go back in next week to have a bit more cutting done, whoopee and finished!  Fortunately, Mick was able to take me and we had a nice burger at the Habit.  I plan on doing a couple of miles this kinda cool evening, we’ll see.  Knocked out 1 mile before it got dark and now waiting until a bit later so I can ditch the cane.

Well, did it again:  dark, no cane and I took each dog out for a mile so that’s 3 miles for me today, yippee!!  Now  time to eat a veggie supper.   Got in another yoga session today so it seems my “Oh boy, I think I might be drifting in to a “What the hell, I don’t give a damn.” stage. I don’t know what changed but I do seem to in a better mood today, this I like.

Sometimes when walking I think I might be a band the way I snap, crackle, and pop.  Occasionally I even hear a tuba.

Random thoughts:  Today when I was putting on a jacket for my evening walk I remembered a year ago I had to always put my right arm into the sleeve first, it was very difficult to get my jacket/shirt on if I did my left arm first.  I just could not bend my right arm or flex my shoulder very much and now I can go either way with no problem.

It was a slow leisurely walk this evening, kinda cool, slightly breezy and I was glad to get it over but I might, just might try again later.  Seems the go juice is MIA again, dang.  Tinnitus seems worse today, no like.  I did do another mile later on but I needed to have a jacket and vest to stay warm.  It’s just me, I get cold easy.

I’m seeing the NutriBullet ads all the time and now have it as a like on FB.  Seems lots of folks are very enamored with it. Juicing seems to help many people for all kinds of issues like weight loss or just feeling better and having more energy. We have the Magic Bullet and it seems to do fine for now but if I get more into juicing I might consider the NutriBullet.

I’d also like another Garmin 310 to replace one that grew legs about a year ago, and I’d like a another camera (my old one died), I am not sold on the I-phone camera.  It does ok but I do not like the touch screen for the camera and it is hard to see in sunlight.    All that, and a little more, will have to wait until after the settlement.

Jean Ann, an old Bunge friend from the 1980-90’s, sent me an email about a “flash mob” at a church in Spain playing Beethoven’s Ninth and it was wonderful.  It would be nice if I could see a ”flash mob” like this sometime, it would make my day, month and maybe the year.

At the moment I am so ready, and have been for a long time, to wrap everything up and get on with my life and really work on my recovery.  There’s lots I want to do, or at least try. Simple things like walking wherever and whenever, for how long I want without having to worry about the “other” side.  I think the real bright spot in the immediate future is that Mick and I are going to the Chimera 100 mile race next Sat. to help a little on the logistics.  Since I can’t drive Mick got volunteered by me J and she will be driving on dirt mountain roads for the first time.  The weather is supposed to be great and that’ll help everyone greatly, runners, pacers, volunteers, etc.  I may not be able to run but I can sure as hell help a little and keep myself from simply fading away to nothing more than a memory and that I don’t want to happen.

I occasionally go upstairs and now can make it up without holding onto the handrails and this is w/o my foot brace!  I do have to concentrate to make sure my right foot is lifted up so I don’t trip/stumble but I can make it.  It was not that long ago I had literally pull myself up on the hand rails.  Going down is also getting better.  It’s easier, and faster, and I can go much more confidently.

Tuesday 11-13   Nancy and I went to the orthopedic doc yesterday and halfway there I remembered I forgot the dang X-ray cd and we had to drive all the way back for it.  Of course, we arrived a little late but not too bad.  I really like this guy, Dr Stein.  He was very thorough and just seemed to interested in my problem.  He ordered more X-rays, a MRI, and, I think, a visit to a neurologist. Dr Stein’s office is very pleasant and the staff is friendly and professional, beats the Holy Hell out of Dr. Folmars office, the one I’d  been seeing for shoulder and elbow.

Warmish and sunny this afternoon when I did my I mile stroll in about 25 min.  Not a bad time for just walkin’, no running, just faster leg rpm.  I am most curious to see how I do when I  am finally free to really go out for long walks.

I kinda felt energetic, I think, today and did 2 exercise classes with Kenny, it feels good.  Really need to do as many of the exercises I can remember several times a week along with the yoga stuff.  It won’t hurt and probably do me lots of good to kick my arse more.  Did not really want to walk outside so I jumped on the treadmill for a fast ¼ mile, finished at 2.4 mph and in 6:40, and NO HANDS.  Ok, I did just barely touch a couple of times but no doubt my balance is greatly improved over the last few months.  I remember when I was just starting out even 1 mph was almost too fast and I had to hold on the hand rails for dear life.

Getting closer to the Chimera 100 and just got the weather update, maybe rain late morning and chilly so it should be interesting. Especially for Micki since she’ll be driving.

Friday Nov 16  Made another trip to the dermatologist yesterday and today to get the last skin cancer taken out.  Now I’ve about a 3” cut on my forearm and maybe 12 stitches.  I also got the MRI for my back so that is out of the way.  We’ll see what Dr. Stein has to say in about 2 weeks, I have no clue whatsoever about the prognosis or what he might suggest.  Whatever it is I think I am so ready for something, maybe even more surgery.

About ready to make almond cookies and fruit energy balls for Chimera tomorrow.  I think we have everything ready to start making and snacking.  Since Nancy had to spend the night  in Newport Beach on business I have to get myself up at 5 AM. Since I don’t hear the alarm worth a damn I guess I need to wear one of my aids tonight otherwise Mick will have to wake me.  I’ll get everything I need ready later and not in the morning.

Sometimes, sometimes I feel I am walking around the house halfway normal.   Even outside is “normal” somewhat if I can get into the grove.  If someone from the “other side” saw me on one of my good walks they’d probably think he is making great progress.  I am making progress but I still hurt all over.  As I’ve mentioned there is no need for pain meds, I just deal with the hurts and occasionally partaking of a Tylenol.   I do have a couple of important doctors appts soon and looking forward to them. I hit the treadmill again tonight:  ¼ mile in 5 minutes and finished at 3.3 mph or 18:10 min/mile pace.  This was good workout, I needed it since I’ve not done that much lately. This was all walking, no “running” so my rpm is definitely better.

I did get myself awake and ready to go by the Mick got here.  Mick got lots of mountain driving in today, much more than we intended.  We were shuttling drop bags to a aid station on the other side of the mountain, maybe 10 miles as the crow flies.  But driving?  Two ways to Maple Springs, around the mountain for maybe 20-25 miles and about 1 11/2 hours? Or take the paved road the other way – 40ish miles and only have 7 miles of dirt roads and maybe an hour drive.  Which way?  Paved road to save time.

We spent some time getting the drops bags organized and visited for a few minutes. We took the paved road option back since we thought time might be getting short. We arrived back at the Camp Blue Jay and hung out for a little while, it would be hours before any finishers would be arriving and so we left.  I decided I wanted to drive up the Main Divide for just a little way since I have done that route for many races up and down that particular section, it’s a hell of climb, maybe 800 ft climb in about 11/2 miles.  So we got to the top and decided to drive on around to Indian Truck Trail , ITT, where there is another aid station.  From there we could take the ITT down for 6 miles and get back on the freeway home very quickly.

 

HilloldgoatChimera drop bags

 

Drop bags before they were resorted.  Mick had fun driving up this lil hill!

Slight problem:  ITT was closed because part of the road suffered a slide and not safe for vehicles to traverse.  That meant we could go around to Maple Springs the original mountain way or go back, both sucked.  Going back simply did not really appeal to us since a section coming in was semi kinda semi gnarly, steep (above) and did not want to go back down.  It was a longish drive around to the original aid station, we both were ready to get off the mountains and get home.  I slept very well last night..

Sunday Nov 18 Feet are starting to get just a tiny bit of feeling back, I can tell the difference between a rug and the wood floor, the wood floor is COLD. But feet and toes are still numb.  Ankle and everything still sucks. Progress?  Maybe, we’ll see if the is further worthwhile improvements.

Nancy made reservations for my reunion trip to DFW in a couple of weeks.  I hate being a bother to my cousins because they will have pick me up, put me up, and take me back to the airport Sunday.  But I think it will be worth it, some I’ve not seen in several years and really would like to reconnect.

I find myself not getting not excited at all about football, college and pro, or any professional sports.   Yeah, I like to kinda root for the Texas Rangers, Mavericks, Frogs etc but I most certainly don’t let them rule my weekend/day.  If I want/feel like doing something else I will because whatever happens with them does not have any meaningful effect on my life: none, zero, nada! Plus I can read about it.

As many laps (1000+) as I’ve made around the block I should have lots more stamina but it seems I am always having to work at it.  Maybe it is psychological since I am forced to do the SAME ¼-mile route day in and day out I have probably done something like 950 laps around the block, 950 laps!.  Maybe once I can go out and push myself I can really see what my endurance/stamina is really like. I do have t admit even though the stamina seems not to be there I am most certainly walking faster.  I can now do close to a 6 min lap pace without too much effort.

From one of the Kindle books: “The world may try to beat you down. Only laughter can counteract that and laughter is ammunition so resupply often”.  Yeah, I try to keep a positive outlook and laugh when I can. I do not beat anybody down on FB, I may politely disagree and I don’t send out emails etc. that I would not want to receive myself.

Spent 3 hours Wed afternoon at a ophthalmologist, for the defense, so he could check out my vision issues that I’ve been gripping about for months.  Nancy was there and did a great job on informing the doctor of all the very serious medical issues that beset me while in my coma:  high sodium levels, high blood pressure, electrolytes way out whack, etc that may have had a adverse effect on my vision.  Even though I had vision issues before the accident the accident most certainly did me no good. He said my right optic nerve was shot because of uvitis but I think he might indicate on his report that the  hard knock and 2-month coma might be a significant factor of my current condition.  The defense will have to, I think, provide a copy to Ron and I will ask for a copy because I am curious what all the doctors say.

I just happened to remember it has been just over 1 year since the hernia occurred and only about 3 weeks till the 1 year point for the hernia operation.  I wonder what kind of condition I would be in if not for the hernia?  I’d probably been in lots better condition but maybe stark raving bonkers since I would most certainly be wanting to more and more walking and maybe even trying to run a bit.  Right now I do want to do more but my feet, eyes, etc seem to be conspiring against me.  Damn it, I just want get better.  One better believe the longer I hurt, the more I am prevented from trying to get better, the greedier, no, that not the right word.  Uh maybe entitled, want, deserve, ??? I become.  Greedy is not the right word for that implies getting something without earning it or perhaps cheating.  No, I am not earning whatever money comes my way, being get hit by a bus just is not the right way to get money.  I think I’ve mentioned this before,” I’d gladly give it all back to get 1 ½ seconds to get out of the way”.  Anyways, right more is good.

The insurance has approved a visit to a neurologist and I’ve already set it up.  I go in about 3 weeks, this another doc I really want to go see.  Maybe he’ll be able to offer something to help on the sciatica problems

Thur Nov 22 Thanksgiving  In spite of the accident and resulting issues I do, we all do, have lots to the thankful for.  I can walk, really be on my own (except for driving), have no major debilitating ongoing pains, no mental issues, just lots of things for which to be thankful.  I know that my family and friends feel that same way.

Jumped on treadmill for 10 minutes and got in .5 mile walk and finished at 3.3 mph, that is way faster than I was doing a year ago.  I remember all too vividly doing 1 mph which was all I wanted and that only for 3 or 4 minutes.  Yes, I have come a long ways but I still have hours and hours and hours of rehab time to go. I just wish my endurance/stamina was improving.  Maybe it is, but I just don’t feel it.

Damn it, tinnitus is ROARING this evening and I am not a happy camper.  Oh, hip is crappy, sciatics suck, ankle is cruddy, toes could be lots better and mood is sucky. Since I’m not feeling worth crap I’ve let my mind wonder a bit back to the accident.  No, I remember absolutely nothing but I am having a hard time accepting that somehow I might have somehow screwed up crossing the street,  I am still having a difficult time wrapping my mind around everything.  If there were only 1 or 2 things screwed up on me I could approach the future with more confidence that things will get better.

Another day for the tinnitus to be roaring, cruddy day.  Seems I can go from being fairly good to cruddy in just all too fast!   If I could go walk freely, wherever, whenever I think my mood would stay in the happy zone more often.  If the defense wants to postpone the Feb. trial date I will tell Ron, “Hell NOOOO! “ I want settle NOW and get on with my life, such as it might be.  I’ll take X, if it is fair, and not go for XX.  I want to settle NOW.

Nov 24 Sat       Nancy, Pat, and I went to Ray’s last night, her banks’ CEO,  and I keep finding out more and more just how dire my condition was just after the accident.  My blood sodium was at 160 and the normal concentration of sodium in human blood is from 136mEq/L to 145mEq/L. Anything higher than this qualifies as hypernatremia, or an excessive level of sodium. A serum sodium level in excess of 160m Eq/L can lead to death in 75 percent of all cases and at my age the death rate goes up even higher.  In addition, my electrolytes were all the place so everyone was praying for me. It musta worked cause I am still here and bitching.

A bit later, the MRSA infection came up.  Nancy said while she was waiting in the hospital she talked with someone whose husband was having a foot amputated because of MRSA. Here I was with a hernia MRSA infection that could definitely life threatening, no wonder Nancy was very apprehensive.  Looks like I dodged not just 2 bullets but 2 big ass howitzer shots and more.

I probably should not say this but what the hell.  I sometimes think that Nancy/Ron would like for me to be still  wheelchair bound/bedridden because she does not really want me doing much of anything.  If I am Superman, or sorta, less money for the settlement.  I know I’m wrong but it just seems like that sometimes I feel I am really being held back and I just wanna go and go and go. It’d be nice if I had company for some of my 1000 plus laps around the block.  I will not ask Nancy since she had her knee operation a few months ago and I know it hurts still.  I’ll just have to make do with the company of me, myself, and I.  Occasionally, when I’m the mood, one of the dogs will accompany me. Speaking of moods, when I’m funky I don’t yell at the dogs or cats, kick anything, say mean things, or be overtly obnoxious, just quite.

For the first time in months I took both dogs out at the same time and no cane.  We only did one lap, about all I wanted, maybe try to do more Sunday/Monday night. Of course I did this about 9 pm just to be somewhat safer from prying eyes.  I don’t think there is anyone out there but who really knows, just too damn much at stake to flaunt it.

I’ve been intending to brag for a while, just never thought about it.  I can now go upstairs w/o using the handrails or wall, course I need to pay close attention to my right leg since I have not near the strength

I want/need.  I can go downstairs fine, just need to pay attention and not daydream about being on some gnarly downhill trail.  Speaking of bragging, I got rid of our old BBQ grill that was way past repair.  It took me a while to dismantle but it is no more and the back yard has one less bit of clutter.  Bit more bragging, I can stand pretty confidently while putting on pants, and boxers.  I really have to concentrate but I can do, most of the time.

Another moonlight walk at 9, made 1 mile but I intended to do only 1 lap, really had to urge myself to do 3 more laps.  Thank goodness, it was not timed or I might not have made the 3 extra laps.  I did yoga and the treadmill today so I guess it was ok.  Even the tinnitus does not seem to be overwhelming like it has been.

Tues  11-27  Just found out I can warm up nicely if I jump on the treadmill for several minutes and push hard, 3.5 mph or 17:08 mile.  Holding onto the hand rails I am!  Might be able to do free style for one or two seconds, maybe in a few months it’ll be longer.  I just did .5 mile in 12 min and when I can do a whole mile in 20 minutes I will be a little more satisfied.

Friday Nov 30  This is probably the last entry for the month.  Looks like I am building quite a collection of notes, some useless, some a reminder of what was, and some that might be the hopes of a brighter tomorrow.  Last nights night walk was a bit warm after doing the treadmill.  Still, not a too bad a time for .5 mile at 14:18

Took another walk today on the treadmill, ¼ mile and no hands at 6:25   Balance is slowly getting better. I also did another treadmill walk but lots easier and slower.  Did yoga again today, I MIGHT be ready to try to move it up a notch..  I am getting where I really don’t like going out in the day time where I have to carry to stupid cane, I am so ready to get rid of it yesterday and move on.  Damn, I can’t seem to get very comfortable today, either too cool or a bit stuffy, no happy medium and I can’t really walk outside since it is misting pretty heavily.  Although I suppose if I could go out freely I certainly would, rain or no rain, maybe not if it there were a monsoon out there!  Who knows, I might go just for the hell of out and brag a little.  Isn’t that what we road and trail runners do?

 

Got a call from the orthopedic doc today and they were just confirming my shoulder appt for Monday.  Since I have another appt in about a week, I asked if they could be combined.  No can do!  Many thanks to insurance but I can’t complain since they’ve already paid out about 2 million.  As I said, the defense has already paid lots but maybe only a few dimes on the dollar.   As I think about it, I’m not sure Nancy wants me to be writing this journal, she’s afraid I might say something that could be detrimental to our case. Damn it, I am just so fricking tired of being constrained every which way.

I have been so bloomin’ sleepy the last several nights and I don’t like nearly falling over at 8pm, or earlier. I get lots of sleep so have no clue why this is happening and I don’t want to go back sleeping 15 hours plus every day.  Well, probably would not matter so I can’t do very much of anything except gripe.

End of Month, time for another chapter, for what it’s worth.

Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity.

But…eyes come first and I am anxious for the ophthalmologist visit in a few weeks.

It’s a cruel reality to wake up one day and realize you have lots more past than future.

It’s true, we’re not getting any younger

Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habit.

Watch your habits; they become character.

Watch your character; it becomes your destiny

Those of you who know me are aware of the situation that hit our family like a Tsunami. I will not go into details here. So, here I am, I have made it through the hardest part, weathered the worst of the storm. Life will never be the same for me, I will never be the same. Why do we do that? Why do we mourn the loss of “sameness”. Things going back the being the same may not always be that good. Especially because the storm often comes unexpectedly because things were not as we thought they were. Would I want it to be the same? No. But I would not choose the way it has ended up and will always hope and pray that eventually full restoration from the storm will come. Unfortunately, effects of the storm are still being felt, and probably will be for some time…in fact for me for a very long time. I have learned to “move on” but that does not mean the pain or loss will ever disappear, no, it is a part of me now.

I have learned a lot about myself through this process. I have changed mentally, mostly for the better.Physically, not so much!   I do find myself a bit more contemplative, reflective and emotional, sometimes that is good, sometimes it is not. Sometimes it brings me to places I do not want to go and I have to snap out of it before I let it drag me down. I have learned what is important to me. I have learned to be more deliberate in letting my family know how much I love them. I also have learned how much we need each other, I need them, they are part of me.

 

 

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