Chapter 10 November 2012

Chapter 10

November 2012

Tuesday Nov 2   Another month, oh well.  Oh boy, I think I might be drifting in to a “What the hell, I don’t give a damn” stage.  I did not walk or do yoga yesterday or today, just sitting around doing a fat lot of nothings.  I missed Wed and Friday finally got in a walk after lunch on Sat.  I have not even done much on this project blog.

Mick, Nancy and I went to Green2Go for lunch Sat and it was great, will definitely go back.  Finally got enough go juice, and did 1 mile up the alley in a decent time, even though a bit warm.  Going up is somewhat harder because is it steeper but shorter and a longer downhill the other way..  I needed a good workout, if it were a bit cooler I might even go later to get some more time in what should be done every day and without fail.

I often explore different ways to try to get better.  Alternative medicines, cutting edge mainstream medicine like stem cell therapy, self help like the Laws of Attraction or The Magic.  A couple of people in the group sessions that I attended swear by The Magic.  I do not know these people but just from listening to them anything that delivered a positive message that they could use and understand would probably help them.  One lady, in particular, I think, would have given up at the drop of a hat, whined to no end, and really did not know how to push or overcome obstacles till she read The Magic.  I am seeking more concrete answers than the wishy washy New Age crap. I think visualization is absolutely one of the best things I can do for myself.  At my age, and condition, it is probably not too realistic to see myself doing any 100 mile ultra runs so I focus on easier things that are likely achievable with time and hard work. I want to do trail 10ks that are not technical, maybe the Gore Tex Trans Rockies in 2014.  The TTR can be a fairly tough run because you are at altitude doing 20 or so miles every day for 6 days but they feed you well and make and take down a camp every day.  Pricey, yes but well worth it. This IS on my bucket list for 2014.  As soon as everything is settled I will do lots and lots of  road 5 and 10ks then I will hard work getting on the trails.

Image

Trail Headz – I am at the far right with the hat.

ekkmoro

 

Mick and I doing a short walk at one of the Headz meetings down in Laguna Coast Wilderness Park.

Just read about a nonagenarian (someone that is 90-99 years old) that just did 30 miles on a flat one mile loop in 12 hours and he is the first one of that age group to complete an ultra.  I AM gonna do the Nanny Goat next May and I want to see how I stack up to him.  Yeah, he is 20 years older than I am but still something I can shoot for.  I might be able to 15-25 miles or so by then but I don’t care, I just want to be out there.   Oh, for a 90 year old guy he is pretty damn good looking, looks maybe late 60s or early 70s.  Hope I will look as good.

Is writing this journal something of an ego trip?  I suppose it might be.  I do wish to have lots of contact with friends and if this journal ever goes public and hopefully there is feedback.  Maybe it will ease some of my loneliness. If I could just get out and walk however much I could stand or drive it would be lots easier to deal with being by myself all day.  Fortunately, I always seem to have 1 or 2 doctors appt almost every week and I do go to exercise class every week so that helps, some.

I understand why my right foot/leg  is problematic, a severed nerve and compound broken leg, rod in shin, metal plate on pelvis but why the hell is my left leg and foot giving me problems since no injuries on that side so what the hell gives? And sciatic nerves are shot so I cannot set anywhere worth a damn, no Brazilian Butt on me.

 Sunday Nov 4   Still keeps getting warm and messing with my mind set. I did take the dogs out for a

1 mile walk today and I think the times are SLOWLY getting better with them even though Bella has to do a lot of sniffing on the first lap.  Lately my right shoulder seems to bother me more.  Elbow is not great but perhaps a little better. Head is still not on straight, just feels a little woozie and vision sucks – I do go to an ophthalmologist  in about 3 weeks.  That I am looking forward to.  Yeah, I know part of the reason my vision sucks is I did have issues before the accident but I know for certain the hard head knock and comma did me NO GOOD.  Tinnitus comes and goes. Good news, only need Tylenol just very rarely

I love to read about people overcoming adversity.  Greg Hardesty, a running friend and reporter, wrote about a guy that was deaf until he received hearing aids and then heard music for the very first time.  He had tears after listening to Mozart.  There are dozens and dozens of stories like that out there and if I can return to some semblance of being out there I want very much to be an inspiration for someone.

I went to Dr Asher, family doctor, today, to complain about my feet, shoulder, and everything else.  He thinks my feet problems and sciatica issues might be back related so I’ll do back X-rays tomorrow.  He said this might happen even though I have no back issues at all. Once insurance is approved I’ll see another specialist.  Maybe get counseling and maybe something on the shoulder, I’ll take it all and gladly.  I hope they do find something and there might worthwhile treatments.

Did not do yoga again today but did 10 minutes of a new exercise that involves on swinging your arms as fast as possible for 20 second, slow for 10 seconds, and repeat.  Got in 10 minute hard work out today and got the ol’ heart rate up a little.  I’ll play around on some of the other exercises for a while.

Probably should not be doing this but I am walking at night without a cane, and hauling arse.  Fastest mile yet at 24:27 and a 5:31 fast lap.  This all going uphill which might be a wee bit harder. Whoo Hoo!  Wish I could brag on FB about this but not yet.  I happy, checked my weight this morning and 162, pretty darn close to what I was before the accident.  Still don’t think old pants will fit, I know the hip surgery expanded my waist.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Another happy walk thisTues night.  I did 1 mile in 20:35 and had 2 laps under 5 min.  I was actually running although someone could power walk faster than I’m running but do I give a damn? NO!  I can actually do better without the cane. Still, this is way fastest yet by nearly 3 or so  min.  Getting very close to my goal of 20 min miles but I think it would be good if I could actually walk that fast. I then took the dogs out for 2 more laps each and so I did a total of 2 miles w/o a cane.  I’ll be so ready to do the Brea 8k in Feb if we can get everything settled.

I’m not surprised but my hip is a little sore today but the soreness over the injury hurt is a good sore.  The injury/surgery hurts and nothing can be done about that but just deal with it.  Time to do yoga which I’ve not done for a few days.  That’s done and done, I can do 2 almost real pushups.  For months I had to do modified pushups and do them on my knees but now, it’s on the toes and almost all the way down.  It’s hard work and good for me.

Crap, my head seems to be swimming a lot today.  Maybe the fast walking and the election disappointments had something to do with it.  Think I’ll try a little nap.  Did, and still not worth a hoot!  Crap!  Did not sleep all that well last night but did rest a while today.  Exercise class today was good, I really need to do as much as I can throughout the day.  Did another dark walk but this time it was very slow and easy. I did not want to push at all.  As a matter of fact, going uphill was quite tiring and 1 mile was all I wanted. Especially since it is finally getting cooler it’s gonna be long pants/sleeves time soon.

Nancy just told me I have an orthopedic doc appt in Fountain Valley Monday at 3pm.  Yea!  Now maybe I’ll find out something about my feet and sciatic nerve in legs.  I’ll revise my “Health Issues” letter just a bit and give it to him.  This is a lot easier than trying to remember everything and when plus he’ll understand more about my issues.  I don’t say problems, I say “issues”, I don’t why but that sounds a little bit less whinning.

Did another short walk around the block tonight in Crocs, no cane and no brace.  I really did walk like a drunken sailor but I made it.  The Crocs are fine for around the house but if I do this again I will put my regular running shoes on see if those make a difference. I think this is the longest no brace walk and I am NOT gonna try to do much more till my ankle/foot is better

Friday Nov 9  I did not have anything planned for today, but a spot on my arm seems to not look good at all.  Had biopsy sutures removed a couple of weeks ago and supposed to go next week to get the last of the skin cancers out.  The doc looked at and said it would be fine until next week.  Now I just go back in next week to have a bit more cutting done, whoopee and finished!  Fortunately, Mick was able to take me and we had a nice burger at the Habit.  I plan on doing a couple of miles this kinda cool evening, we’ll see.  Knocked out 1 mile before it got dark and now waiting until a bit later so I can ditch the cane.

Well, did it again:  dark, no cane and I took each dog out for a mile so that’s 3 miles for me today, yippee!!  Now  time to eat a veggie supper.   Got in another yoga session today so it seems my “Oh boy, I think I might be drifting in to a “What the hell, I don’t give a damn.” stage. I don’t know what changed but I do seem to in a better mood today, this I like.

Sometimes when walking I think I might be a band the way I snap, crackle, and pop.  Occasionally I even hear a tuba.

Random thoughts:  Today when I was putting on a jacket for my evening walk I remembered a year ago I had to always put my right arm into the sleeve first, it was very difficult to get my jacket/shirt on if I did my left arm first.  I just could not bend my right arm or flex my shoulder very much and now I can go either way with no problem.

It was a slow leisurely walk this evening, kinda cool, slightly breezy and I was glad to get it over but I might, just might try again later.  Seems the go juice is MIA again, dang.  Tinnitus seems worse today, no like.  I did do another mile later on but I needed to have a jacket and vest to stay warm.  It’s just me, I get cold easy.

I’m seeing the NutriBullet ads all the time and now have it as a like on FB.  Seems lots of folks are very enamored with it. Juicing seems to help many people for all kinds of issues like weight loss or just feeling better and having more energy. We have the Magic Bullet and it seems to do fine for now but if I get more into juicing I might consider the NutriBullet.

I’d also like another Garmin 310 to replace one that grew legs about a year ago, and I’d like a another camera (my old one died), I am not sold on the I-phone camera.  It does ok but I do not like the touch screen for the camera and it is hard to see in sunlight.    All that, and a little more, will have to wait until after the settlement.

Jean Ann, an old Bunge friend from the 1980-90’s, sent me an email about a “flash mob” at a church in Spain playing Beethoven’s Ninth and it was wonderful.  It would be nice if I could see a ”flash mob” like this sometime, it would make my day, month and maybe the year.

At the moment I am so ready, and have been for a long time, to wrap everything up and get on with my life and really work on my recovery.  There’s lots I want to do, or at least try. Simple things like walking wherever and whenever, for how long I want without having to worry about the “other” side.  I think the real bright spot in the immediate future is that Mick and I are going to the Chimera 100 mile race next Sat. to help a little on the logistics.  Since I can’t drive Mick got volunteered by me J and she will be driving on dirt mountain roads for the first time.  The weather is supposed to be great and that’ll help everyone greatly, runners, pacers, volunteers, etc.  I may not be able to run but I can sure as hell help a little and keep myself from simply fading away to nothing more than a memory and that I don’t want to happen.

I occasionally go upstairs and now can make it up without holding onto the handrails and this is w/o my foot brace!  I do have to concentrate to make sure my right foot is lifted up so I don’t trip/stumble but I can make it.  It was not that long ago I had literally pull myself up on the hand rails.  Going down is also getting better.  It’s easier, and faster, and I can go much more confidently.

Tuesday 11-13   Nancy and I went to the orthopedic doc yesterday and halfway there I remembered I forgot the dang X-ray cd and we had to drive all the way back for it.  Of course, we arrived a little late but not too bad.  I really like this guy, Dr Stein.  He was very thorough and just seemed to interested in my problem.  He ordered more X-rays, a MRI, and, I think, a visit to a neurologist. Dr Stein’s office is very pleasant and the staff is friendly and professional, beats the Holy Hell out of Dr. Folmars office, the one I’d  been seeing for shoulder and elbow.

Warmish and sunny this afternoon when I did my I mile stroll in about 25 min.  Not a bad time for just walkin’, no running, just faster leg rpm.  I am most curious to see how I do when I  am finally free to really go out for long walks.

I kinda felt energetic, I think, today and did 2 exercise classes with Kenny, it feels good.  Really need to do as many of the exercises I can remember several times a week along with the yoga stuff.  It won’t hurt and probably do me lots of good to kick my arse more.  Did not really want to walk outside so I jumped on the treadmill for a fast ¼ mile, finished at 2.4 mph and in 6:40, and NO HANDS.  Ok, I did just barely touch a couple of times but no doubt my balance is greatly improved over the last few months.  I remember when I was just starting out even 1 mph was almost too fast and I had to hold on the hand rails for dear life.

Getting closer to the Chimera 100 and just got the weather update, maybe rain late morning and chilly so it should be interesting. Especially for Micki since she’ll be driving.

Friday Nov 16  Made another trip to the dermatologist yesterday and today to get the last skin cancer taken out.  Now I’ve about a 3” cut on my forearm and maybe 12 stitches.  I also got the MRI for my back so that is out of the way.  We’ll see what Dr. Stein has to say in about 2 weeks, I have no clue whatsoever about the prognosis or what he might suggest.  Whatever it is I think I am so ready for something, maybe even more surgery.

About ready to make almond cookies and fruit energy balls for Chimera tomorrow.  I think we have everything ready to start making and snacking.  Since Nancy had to spend the night  in Newport Beach on business I have to get myself up at 5 AM. Since I don’t hear the alarm worth a damn I guess I need to wear one of my aids tonight otherwise Mick will have to wake me.  I’ll get everything I need ready later and not in the morning.

Sometimes, sometimes I feel I am walking around the house halfway normal.   Even outside is “normal” somewhat if I can get into the grove.  If someone from the “other side” saw me on one of my good walks they’d probably think he is making great progress.  I am making progress but I still hurt all over.  As I’ve mentioned there is no need for pain meds, I just deal with the hurts and occasionally partaking of a Tylenol.   I do have a couple of important doctors appts soon and looking forward to them. I hit the treadmill again tonight:  ¼ mile in 5 minutes and finished at 3.3 mph or 18:10 min/mile pace.  This was good workout, I needed it since I’ve not done that much lately. This was all walking, no “running” so my rpm is definitely better.

I did get myself awake and ready to go by the Mick got here.  Mick got lots of mountain driving in today, much more than we intended.  We were shuttling drop bags to a aid station on the other side of the mountain, maybe 10 miles as the crow flies.  But driving?  Two ways to Maple Springs, around the mountain for maybe 20-25 miles and about 1 11/2 hours? Or take the paved road the other way – 40ish miles and only have 7 miles of dirt roads and maybe an hour drive.  Which way?  Paved road to save time.

We spent some time getting the drops bags organized and visited for a few minutes. We took the paved road option back since we thought time might be getting short. We arrived back at the Camp Blue Jay and hung out for a little while, it would be hours before any finishers would be arriving and so we left.  I decided I wanted to drive up the Main Divide for just a little way since I have done that route for many races up and down that particular section, it’s a hell of climb, maybe 800 ft climb in about 11/2 miles.  So we got to the top and decided to drive on around to Indian Truck Trail , ITT, where there is another aid station.  From there we could take the ITT down for 6 miles and get back on the freeway home very quickly.

 

HilloldgoatChimera drop bags

 

Drop bags before they were resorted.  Mick had fun driving up this lil hill!

Slight problem:  ITT was closed because part of the road suffered a slide and not safe for vehicles to traverse.  That meant we could go around to Maple Springs the original mountain way or go back, both sucked.  Going back simply did not really appeal to us since a section coming in was semi kinda semi gnarly, steep (above) and did not want to go back down.  It was a longish drive around to the original aid station, we both were ready to get off the mountains and get home.  I slept very well last night..

Sunday Nov 18 Feet are starting to get just a tiny bit of feeling back, I can tell the difference between a rug and the wood floor, the wood floor is COLD. But feet and toes are still numb.  Ankle and everything still sucks. Progress?  Maybe, we’ll see if the is further worthwhile improvements.

Nancy made reservations for my reunion trip to DFW in a couple of weeks.  I hate being a bother to my cousins because they will have pick me up, put me up, and take me back to the airport Sunday.  But I think it will be worth it, some I’ve not seen in several years and really would like to reconnect.

I find myself not getting not excited at all about football, college and pro, or any professional sports.   Yeah, I like to kinda root for the Texas Rangers, Mavericks, Frogs etc but I most certainly don’t let them rule my weekend/day.  If I want/feel like doing something else I will because whatever happens with them does not have any meaningful effect on my life: none, zero, nada! Plus I can read about it.

As many laps (1000+) as I’ve made around the block I should have lots more stamina but it seems I am always having to work at it.  Maybe it is psychological since I am forced to do the SAME ¼-mile route day in and day out I have probably done something like 950 laps around the block, 950 laps!.  Maybe once I can go out and push myself I can really see what my endurance/stamina is really like. I do have t admit even though the stamina seems not to be there I am most certainly walking faster.  I can now do close to a 6 min lap pace without too much effort.

From one of the Kindle books: “The world may try to beat you down. Only laughter can counteract that and laughter is ammunition so resupply often”.  Yeah, I try to keep a positive outlook and laugh when I can. I do not beat anybody down on FB, I may politely disagree and I don’t send out emails etc. that I would not want to receive myself.

Spent 3 hours Wed afternoon at a ophthalmologist, for the defense, so he could check out my vision issues that I’ve been gripping about for months.  Nancy was there and did a great job on informing the doctor of all the very serious medical issues that beset me while in my coma:  high sodium levels, high blood pressure, electrolytes way out whack, etc that may have had a adverse effect on my vision.  Even though I had vision issues before the accident the accident most certainly did me no good. He said my right optic nerve was shot because of uvitis but I think he might indicate on his report that the  hard knock and 2-month coma might be a significant factor of my current condition.  The defense will have to, I think, provide a copy to Ron and I will ask for a copy because I am curious what all the doctors say.

I just happened to remember it has been just over 1 year since the hernia occurred and only about 3 weeks till the 1 year point for the hernia operation.  I wonder what kind of condition I would be in if not for the hernia?  I’d probably been in lots better condition but maybe stark raving bonkers since I would most certainly be wanting to more and more walking and maybe even trying to run a bit.  Right now I do want to do more but my feet, eyes, etc seem to be conspiring against me.  Damn it, I just want get better.  One better believe the longer I hurt, the more I am prevented from trying to get better, the greedier, no, that not the right word.  Uh maybe entitled, want, deserve, ??? I become.  Greedy is not the right word for that implies getting something without earning it or perhaps cheating.  No, I am not earning whatever money comes my way, being get hit by a bus just is not the right way to get money.  I think I’ve mentioned this before,” I’d gladly give it all back to get 1 ½ seconds to get out of the way”.  Anyways, right more is good.

The insurance has approved a visit to a neurologist and I’ve already set it up.  I go in about 3 weeks, this another doc I really want to go see.  Maybe he’ll be able to offer something to help on the sciatica problems

Thur Nov 22 Thanksgiving  In spite of the accident and resulting issues I do, we all do, have lots to the thankful for.  I can walk, really be on my own (except for driving), have no major debilitating ongoing pains, no mental issues, just lots of things for which to be thankful.  I know that my family and friends feel that same way.

Jumped on treadmill for 10 minutes and got in .5 mile walk and finished at 3.3 mph, that is way faster than I was doing a year ago.  I remember all too vividly doing 1 mph which was all I wanted and that only for 3 or 4 minutes.  Yes, I have come a long ways but I still have hours and hours and hours of rehab time to go. I just wish my endurance/stamina was improving.  Maybe it is, but I just don’t feel it.

Damn it, tinnitus is ROARING this evening and I am not a happy camper.  Oh, hip is crappy, sciatics suck, ankle is cruddy, toes could be lots better and mood is sucky. Since I’m not feeling worth crap I’ve let my mind wonder a bit back to the accident.  No, I remember absolutely nothing but I am having a hard time accepting that somehow I might have somehow screwed up crossing the street,  I am still having a difficult time wrapping my mind around everything.  If there were only 1 or 2 things screwed up on me I could approach the future with more confidence that things will get better.

Another day for the tinnitus to be roaring, cruddy day.  Seems I can go from being fairly good to cruddy in just all too fast!   If I could go walk freely, wherever, whenever I think my mood would stay in the happy zone more often.  If the defense wants to postpone the Feb. trial date I will tell Ron, “Hell NOOOO! “ I want settle NOW and get on with my life, such as it might be.  I’ll take X, if it is fair, and not go for XX.  I want to settle NOW.

Nov 24 Sat       Nancy, Pat, and I went to Ray’s last night, her banks’ CEO,  and I keep finding out more and more just how dire my condition was just after the accident.  My blood sodium was at 160 and the normal concentration of sodium in human blood is from 136mEq/L to 145mEq/L. Anything higher than this qualifies as hypernatremia, or an excessive level of sodium. A serum sodium level in excess of 160m Eq/L can lead to death in 75 percent of all cases and at my age the death rate goes up even higher.  In addition, my electrolytes were all the place so everyone was praying for me. It musta worked cause I am still here and bitching.

A bit later, the MRSA infection came up.  Nancy said while she was waiting in the hospital she talked with someone whose husband was having a foot amputated because of MRSA. Here I was with a hernia MRSA infection that could definitely life threatening, no wonder Nancy was very apprehensive.  Looks like I dodged not just 2 bullets but 2 big ass howitzer shots and more.

I probably should not say this but what the hell.  I sometimes think that Nancy/Ron would like for me to be still  wheelchair bound/bedridden because she does not really want me doing much of anything.  If I am Superman, or sorta, less money for the settlement.  I know I’m wrong but it just seems like that sometimes I feel I am really being held back and I just wanna go and go and go. It’d be nice if I had company for some of my 1000 plus laps around the block.  I will not ask Nancy since she had her knee operation a few months ago and I know it hurts still.  I’ll just have to make do with the company of me, myself, and I.  Occasionally, when I’m the mood, one of the dogs will accompany me. Speaking of moods, when I’m funky I don’t yell at the dogs or cats, kick anything, say mean things, or be overtly obnoxious, just quite.

For the first time in months I took both dogs out at the same time and no cane.  We only did one lap, about all I wanted, maybe try to do more Sunday/Monday night. Of course I did this about 9 pm just to be somewhat safer from prying eyes.  I don’t think there is anyone out there but who really knows, just too damn much at stake to flaunt it.

I’ve been intending to brag for a while, just never thought about it.  I can now go upstairs w/o using the handrails or wall, course I need to pay close attention to my right leg since I have not near the strength

I want/need.  I can go downstairs fine, just need to pay attention and not daydream about being on some gnarly downhill trail.  Speaking of bragging, I got rid of our old BBQ grill that was way past repair.  It took me a while to dismantle but it is no more and the back yard has one less bit of clutter.  Bit more bragging, I can stand pretty confidently while putting on pants, and boxers.  I really have to concentrate but I can do, most of the time.

Another moonlight walk at 9, made 1 mile but I intended to do only 1 lap, really had to urge myself to do 3 more laps.  Thank goodness, it was not timed or I might not have made the 3 extra laps.  I did yoga and the treadmill today so I guess it was ok.  Even the tinnitus does not seem to be overwhelming like it has been.

Tues  11-27  Just found out I can warm up nicely if I jump on the treadmill for several minutes and push hard, 3.5 mph or 17:08 mile.  Holding onto the hand rails I am!  Might be able to do free style for one or two seconds, maybe in a few months it’ll be longer.  I just did .5 mile in 12 min and when I can do a whole mile in 20 minutes I will be a little more satisfied.

Friday Nov 30  This is probably the last entry for the month.  Looks like I am building quite a collection of notes, some useless, some a reminder of what was, and some that might be the hopes of a brighter tomorrow.  Last nights night walk was a bit warm after doing the treadmill.  Still, not a too bad a time for .5 mile at 14:18

Took another walk today on the treadmill, ¼ mile and no hands at 6:25   Balance is slowly getting better. I also did another treadmill walk but lots easier and slower.  Did yoga again today, I MIGHT be ready to try to move it up a notch..  I am getting where I really don’t like going out in the day time where I have to carry to stupid cane, I am so ready to get rid of it yesterday and move on.  Damn, I can’t seem to get very comfortable today, either too cool or a bit stuffy, no happy medium and I can’t really walk outside since it is misting pretty heavily.  Although I suppose if I could go out freely I certainly would, rain or no rain, maybe not if it there were a monsoon out there!  Who knows, I might go just for the hell of out and brag a little.  Isn’t that what we road and trail runners do?

 

Got a call from the orthopedic doc today and they were just confirming my shoulder appt for Monday.  Since I have another appt in about a week, I asked if they could be combined.  No can do!  Many thanks to insurance but I can’t complain since they’ve already paid out about 2 million.  As I said, the defense has already paid lots but maybe only a few dimes on the dollar.   As I think about it, I’m not sure Nancy wants me to be writing this journal, she’s afraid I might say something that could be detrimental to our case. Damn it, I am just so fricking tired of being constrained every which way.

I have been so bloomin’ sleepy the last several nights and I don’t like nearly falling over at 8pm, or earlier. I get lots of sleep so have no clue why this is happening and I don’t want to go back sleeping 15 hours plus every day.  Well, probably would not matter so I can’t do very much of anything except gripe.

End of Month, time for another chapter, for what it’s worth.

Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity.

But…eyes come first and I am anxious for the ophthalmologist visit in a few weeks.

It’s a cruel reality to wake up one day and realize you have lots more past than future.

It’s true, we’re not getting any younger

Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habit.

Watch your habits; they become character.

Watch your character; it becomes your destiny

Those of you who know me are aware of the situation that hit our family like a Tsunami. I will not go into details here. So, here I am, I have made it through the hardest part, weathered the worst of the storm. Life will never be the same for me, I will never be the same. Why do we do that? Why do we mourn the loss of “sameness”. Things going back the being the same may not always be that good. Especially because the storm often comes unexpectedly because things were not as we thought they were. Would I want it to be the same? No. But I would not choose the way it has ended up and will always hope and pray that eventually full restoration from the storm will come. Unfortunately, effects of the storm are still being felt, and probably will be for some time…in fact for me for a very long time. I have learned to “move on” but that does not mean the pain or loss will ever disappear, no, it is a part of me now.

I have learned a lot about myself through this process. I have changed mentally, mostly for the better.Physically, not so much!   I do find myself a bit more contemplative, reflective and emotional, sometimes that is good, sometimes it is not. Sometimes it brings me to places I do not want to go and I have to snap out of it before I let it drag me down. I have learned what is important to me. I have learned to be more deliberate in letting my family know how much I love them. I also have learned how much we need each other, I need them, they are part of me.

 

 

Chapter 9 2012

 

 

 

Chapter 9

October 2012

Monday Oct 1  A hot forecast for today 102 or so and for the next day or two.  Crud, so ready for cooler weather.  I’ve missed yoga for 2 days and I really needed to stretch since it is too warm to be out much.

Been thinking about all my aches and physical stuff not working.  As I’ve said, If there were only 1 or 2 things I needed to deal with there would be much fewer mental stresses.  When it takes almost 2 pages to describe everything that hurts or does not work well, that sucks.  But….I am so thankful I need no pain medicines and I can sorta get around, it could easily be so much worse.

Guess not only am I whining(?) about my physical state but also about my mental state.  I just not like at all being perceived by anyone as near helpless, which I AM NOT. I readily admit I may be close to appearing in that condition sometimes but not really.  I am sometimes not very comfortable being in a crowd, especially if a bit noisy.  I sometimes, hell I don’t know, just don’t seem to be very sharp or with it.  Of course, with my hearing/seeing/speech doing not so well contributes a lot to that feeling and don’t know what, if anything, can make me feel a bit more whole. It’s just that my head seems to be “swimming” or sloshing around  more and that just aggravates all the other physical issues and it is blooming hot again today, 105 degrees! I just might turn into a typical old curmudgeon if this heat keeps up.

It is a little cooler today, yea!  I went to the group meeting this morning and I must admit the group leader did a much better today, more people got to speak since I started a few weeks ago.  Still, me and about 4 or 5 others were left.   I still think there are way too many people, the group should be about half the size.

Another doctor visit today, almost forgot about it.  Looks like I am now set for a colonoscopy in a few days, just what I need.  Columnist Dave Barry wrote about his experience of having a 17,000 foot tube shoved up his rear end, funny story. Enough on that!

I did 1 mile this morning and another 1 ½ miles late this evening.  My times are slowly improving, especially with cooler weather.  With just a little effort  I can now do 6:30 min laps for a whole mile.  Yipee!  And I am not totally wiped out afterwards.  This might allow me to really work hard once everything is settled.

Got a FB note from a guy I used to run against at the Winter Trail Runs.  He said I used to pass him with about a mile to go.  He heard about the accident from Baz, the race director, and that does make me feel good that people remember.  Talk about feeling good,  a number of times during races I’d be passing someone, or they pass me, and they would make a comment something like “I hope I can run as good as you when I’m your age”.  Especially if it was a good-looking woman or a young whippersnapper.   I already have plans for Micki to take me to the first run in early Jan, so long as it is not pouring rain.  So many people I want to see.

Thur Oct 4  Weather is cooler and had my fastest 2 miles around the block in a fast 49:22 and got there w/o really having to work as I’ve been doing. Getting very close to a consistent 27 min mile, I guess I might be getting in a little better condition.  But…. Damn it, feet are crap, vision sucks etc.  Blah,   ditto ditto

Did the group psychology meeting this morning and I have to admit it was again a bit better. There are two counselors and I really like the one that was in today, she seems to keep things moving at a much better pace plus she is easier for me to understand.  If she could be in all the time, I think I would be much more inclined to continue.  She did say I was on the right track so far as tackling my physical issues.

A Snail’s Pace runner friend. Kenny Yu, is a physical instructor and I will go see him next at the new community center here in Fullerton.  Hate to admit it, but it is a senior class and that means really ancient people. But….I suppose I am ancient, 67, to lots of younger folks.  I so want to be able to kick younger butts again.

My feet don’t really hurt hurt but they are very uncomfortable, kinda like playing soccer with a bowling ball, and wearing 5 pound ankle weights.  Still, I did a 3 mile walk this morning and the times are faster without any more effort.  I can now do a consistent 25-26 minute mile, yea!

Oct 6 Sat morning:   A big weekend planned:  Mick, Sal and I are going to Joshua Tree for the weekend.  Hoping to leave early Sat. but Sal has to work and so it probably will by late Sat before we leave, dang it.  Fill everything in later.

It turned out to be about 7pm before we left and got down there about 9.  I was able to sit in the truck w/o any major squirming or wiggling and that is good.  We did go out to Joshua Tree late at night to gaze at the stars and moon watch.  My night vision sucks, it really helps to have a flashlight even for walking on pavement.  Ate breakfast at Denny’s and my hash browns were surprisingly good and gave me energy for the day.

Sal drove a few miles along a dirt road, supposed to be 4 wheel drive only was but not really,  it was great being out in the middle of nowhere. Joshua Tree is desert but what a great place to go exploring this time of year.  We did do about a 3 1/2 or 4 mile walk with about a 350-400 ft elevation gain. I can’t believe it, yea I can.  I kicked Sals butt while walking.  Not sure of the distance we walked but when we drove home he had to nap all the way back from Joshua Tree.  It really felt good to do a hard workout w/o worrying bout who might see me.  I’ll be so glad when I can do this all the time, so wanna get back into doing some 5/10ks and being around lots of friends.

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I am most anxious to try a couple of different approaches to my feet and overall health.  First is Neuropathy Support Formula that seems like it might work and is relatively inexpensive.  It uses different types of B1, B2, B6, and B12 vitamins and some other stuff and from what I can find on the internet, it just might be very worthwhile.  After we settle, I want to go to a doc down in Mission Viejo and try something for my overall health. Maybe try his supplements or do a stem cell round.  It is money, but again it is not all that much and I am willing to try it. As I’ve said a number of times, I just wanna get me back or maybe a little different me back.

I went to the group meeting at Dr. Flores office today and still a big waste. It’s like being in a secretary pool when everyone is on break and someone brought their back x-rays showing where a vertebra was broken. That’s supposed to be important?  I suppose it might be good for her to talk about it, but not me. A couple of weeks ago I mentioned I kept a journal and I only wrote about the challenges I face, my triumphs (such as they are), my good days and my not so good days.  I specifically mentioned I do not whine about anything (much), I do not trash anyone or anything, and I just try to be straightforward with maybe a bit of gallows humor here and there and try to be positive.  Everyone thought I was really on the right track and it did feel good to have confirmation. I finally have my one on one Dr Flores Thursday and can hardly wait. It’ll be interesting.

Guess I need to do a little whinning.  Damn tinnitus is still a problem most of the time and from what I’ve found not really a whole lot is worthwhile to pursue and MDs generally say “Just deal with it.”  I did find a tinnitus therapy on CD that sounds interesting, only $47 with a money back guarantee.  I might take a closer look after we settle.  I have no idea, nor does anyone else, if the accident contributed or not.  I tend to think so, the hard knock and 2 month coma certainly did not help.  Nevertheless, the accident is the root cause of nearly all my problems and challenges.

Oct 10 Wed:   Today has been a busy one: Went over to the new Fullerton Community Center, saw Kenny Yu, and took part in his exercise class.  All it is different kinds of stretches and they can be a big help for lots of folks.  I’ll probably do them for several weeks primarily for something to do and they exercises will definitely help.  The only thing a little disconcerting is that I am the youngest one and I used to being the oldest one, quite a change.

Later I took a Bella out for a couple of laps and then Heidi and I did another 11/2 miles.  I smoked em’ the last mile at a 23:00 min mile pace.  Cooler weather certainly helps bunches.  I’ve already done one set of yoga and may try to do another set a bit later.

Yea!  I did do another yoga set and a fast mile at 23 minutes, yippee!  A few more weeks that 20 min mile might be in sight.  Also had my fastest lap at 5:25 min, that’s about 3 times faster than when I first started walking.  I did have to push a little but the cooler weather does make it easier but now it is getting darker earlier, boo!  It seems I wake up lots earlier than I used to.  This morning was 6:45 and not that long ago I would have easily slept til after 9.

Today was my one on one with Dr Flores, think I will just go on Thursdays from now on because I like that group leader better and I’ll go for a few more weeks just to see else might happen.  Still, not real happy with it but….   I did get a call from his office for a final meeting on Nov 26.  Be glad when that is all done.

We had our 1st rain in several months and a lot cooler at 70!  With light sprinkles for the last lap of my 2 mile walk I had to really speed it up since it looked might rain hard so I hauled buns!  Got in my 2 miles at 46:53 and I’ve already done 1 mile earlier so it was a good day for walking.

Another day:  Got in a 4, FOUR, mile walk at a decent pace of probably about 6:45 min average per lap.  I remember a lap taking 13-15 minutes and so this is good, real good.  Especially considering there were grave concerns about me and what I might/might not be able to do when I was in the hospital 16 months ago. Now I just wish I could go out somewhere and let it all hang out.  Not yet, still need to..oh, whatever!!!!!

Bored, bored so I took the dogs out for 2 laps each.  That means I walked 5 miles today and I think that is a record for me at this stage.  Hopefully, in a couple months I can go out and do that every day and go all over the place. Yoga called me again, been just a little slack lately so I need to pick up the pace a little.

 Oct-13 Sat   If I could, I’d be climbing walls right about now, bored shitless and Nancy is working lots, Micki went to Vegas and not sure about the boys.  So anyways, I’ve walked twice today, each for 1 mile and my heart is not really in it, yuck.  I’ve noticed for a long time my night vision sucks, it really helps if there is a little light just so I have some visual clues about where I am walking.  I’ve found a neuropathy supplement I want try, lots cheaper than chiropractors, and everything I can find to check on it seems to be on the up and up: BBB, different supplement information sites has all been very good and at about $145 for a 3 month supply I am more than willing to give it a try. It might even help a couple of other issues I have, we’ll see.

This Sunday evening I really do not feel at all chipper:  tinnitus is a bitch, no go juice whatever, draggin’, too tired to be bored, too early (7pm) for sleep,  too whatever, crap!  My feet are very worser, they hurt a little but feel super yucky for walking. Think I’ll go try to find something a little sweet for a snack.  A tiny bit of good news:  I will order my neuropathy supplements tomorrow, I am most anxious to see if they work at all.  God, I hope they do.

I ordered the neuropathy supplements and one other item, Nerve Repair Optimizer, that is supposed to kick start the repairs.  At $23 a bottle, what the hell, not much at all so I went for it.

This has nothing to do with the accident but just part of being an old fart.  Today I start prepping for a colonoscopy, no food other than broth or Jello for 24 hours.  I might be ready for a big burger or something wonderfully good on Tues after I am done.    I get to drink a whole gallon of the prep liquid, what fun!!!  The good thing is that I will be sedated for the procedure and will not remember anything.

I went through the procedure this morning and I checked out fine.  The only downer is that next time, in 5 years, I’ll probably have to do a 2 day cleansing, oh joy.

I think I am starting to feel a little discouraged in the last few days.  Everything seems to feel worse: eyes, head not on straight, totally no energy, and even walking does not seem to feel as good as it has.  I still walk but because I need to and not because I want to.  Yoga is out for a while, heart just not in it as it should be. Tired, so tired I have been ready to lay down at 7ish  for several days but that is way too early so I have been forcing myself to stay up later, and I’ve been sleeping a bit later also.  Crud.

I seem to be not making any real progress on anything in the last few months and I did note that on the Health Issues page I will be sending to Ron in a couple of weeks.  I have kept track of all my health/mental issues and occasionally forward them to Ron so he’ll be able to use them on our legal issues.  Since there might be something happening in Nov. I’ll make sure he is up to date in late Oct.

I‘ll be on pins and needles waiting for the neuropathy supplements to arrive.  They may work as soon as one week or it might take 2 months,  or more, once I start:  I’ve the time but want so badly for them work ASAP.  I guess all I can do is start taking them as soon as they arrive and hope for the best. I suspect that with all the damage they will probably take months to work, I will certainly try..

Hot again today but I still did some and just walked some. I’ve walked around the block about 186 miles or 744 laps.  That’s right about 744 laps, no wonder I feel like I’m going round and round.  Total miles since Feb is about 250,  Sounds like a  lot but not very much per day.

Oct 18  Thur  Not accident related:  just got back from the dermatologist and had another biopsy done on spot on my arm.  That makes 3 spots and looks like we’re catching all early.  Know in about a week if the arm spot is skin cancer.

Weather is a little cooler but is humid and I will try to get on track today with yoga and go 2 or 3 miles walking today.

Yipee!  Yea!!!  Horay!  Talked with Ron today and he said they are asking us how much I wanted for the settlement and he has already said the City of Fullerton will kick in a little more, plus it will all be tax free and cash up front. So maybe in a few weeks I can really work on me big time, I have lots I want to do. I am SO ready to move on and put what I can behind me.

Oh Boy, got the nerve supplements today and already popped a dose.  We’ll see how they work and I hope my feet really get better.   Since the supplement are supposed to help with the feet nerves it might also help on my right hand and eyes.  Might also help a little with the tinnitus, one doctor said a B vitamin complex might help and this product is heavy on the B vitamins.  Anyways, 2 bits of good news today and now I am in a much better mood.

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B1 is 13,750% and B12 is 33,332% strong so that might do some good but might take months to kick in

Some more good news:  Skip came by and we went to the Fullerton Farmers Market, got to see a couple of old friends and we’ll do one more time before it shuts down for the year.  So that’s three good news items for today.  Yea!

I’ve been intending to mention for several days:  I can now lift my right foot up just barely enough, without pulling, to put on shorts/pants.  For many months I had to pull my foot up by hand and be sitting down in a chair or on the bed to get dressed.  Small things here and there.

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Bella is trying to help by making me step over her and thus doing some stretching and helping my balance.

Oct 20  Sat  Cloudy and a bit cooler this morning and actually had a couple drops of rain.  Now I’m thinking I’m gonna need more long pants when it gets cooler.  Really like to get some hiking types that are so comfy to wear but I don’t really want to pay $70 or $80, or more, bucks per pair.   Maybe I’ll luck out and find a 2 or 3 pairs at $40 or so.   Even if I had mucho money in the checking acct I still WILL not pay more than about $50 unless I get into good enough shape to do a multiday hike and then I MIGHT be willing to spend a little more.   Just too tight/frugal to part with much money.  El Nino might hit this year and if it does it will probably be wet and rainy lots so I might need some rain pants and Goretex shoes.  We’ll see what happens.   I already have a good rainproof jacket I used to wear while trail running and it will be great for those cool misty days.

Just finished a 3rd walk today, getting closer a 6:30 min lap average and this is only pushing a little.  If I push hard I might get down to a 6 min lap consistently and that is my next real goal. Just thinking we might be all settled by Dec and if so, I think I’d like to go to the Snails Bash in mid/late January.  It’s a lot of fun seeing a lot of your running friends, and other Snails clubs, all dressed up in tuxs and after 5 evening gowns.  It’s hard to imagine a formal party being loads of fun but this one certainly is. I missed last year and I want to make an appearance to let lots of people know I am back.  Yeah, I think I am craving the attention

Mick and I did the Stater Bros loop Sun evening and while I did not push hard going down I did push coming back and uphill, really got my heart rate up.  I am a little sore today on the hip but I earned it. Can’t wait till I can starting doing the Summit House Loop and I’ll have to remember NOT to push hard till on the way back.  Right now I am very tempted to do the whole thing as soon as everything is settled but probably would be best to do Hillcrest park a couple times or so and then gradually work into the Summit House Loop.

Dogs and I did another 2 miles today and I am a bit tired.  I don’t mind being tired if I’ve do something to EARN it.  I don’t like being tired from doing nothing and sitting around all day with my thumb up my butt. Still tired and don’t want to do anything I still managed to do another mile up the alley.  Still tired but rereading one of my Kindle stories about the lady that had to reboot her brain after an aneurysm hoping to get some motivation and some ideas about a potential blog.

One of Nancy’s coworkers has gone to a Dr. Whitaker Wellness Center in Newport Beach for Hyperbaric oxygen therapy (HBOT) and said it has helped her (whatever that is/was)   I called today just to see what a consultation might cost, about $325 which is not too bad at all and I will very likely go see what they recommend.  I am definitely not gonna be a typical patient so I make sure they get a copy of my health issues report I’ve given to Ron.  As you know I’ve no weight issues, diabetes, high blood pressure, any disease, unbearable hurts or anything that drives most people to see someone like him, just a heck of lot of hurts/aches and poorly functioning body parts and I wanna get me back.

I took a real nap this afternoon, the first in a long time.  I didn’t think I was out that long but it was dark when I woke up, about 6:40 pm.  Maybe a 2 hour nap? I do sometimes lie down for a few minutes but almost never sleep.  Here it is at 9:30 and I think I’m about to fall back to sleep.

10-23 Tuesday  I think I am really starting to get tired of the way I am, mostly with the vision issues and head swimming.  It seems as though I am not making near as much progress as I was, crappydo.  I readily admit the yoga is helping on some stretches and I will continue them probably for next to forever just because I think it will help at some point on the long run.

I did another mile this morning, late, and probably the slowest in a while.  Just not in the mood to push and no dogs either.  I guess I am really getting older:  I can just brush against sometime a teensy bit hard and I bleed or get a bruise.  Don’t know what to do about it, all the vitamins/minerals should help but don’t seem to be working, damn it.

Still rereading “Rebooting My Brain” and I might be getting some very faint glimmers of how to proceed on this.  Maria is a very outgoing type a person and writes very well.  I, on the other hand, do not have that gift or process that talent so I am basically clueless even though I have many years of school.  Fat lot of good that is doing me now.

Flashback:  I remember the catheter being removed and was told I needed to pee within the next few hours or back in it goes.  NOOOOO!  It took a while but finally managed to get the job done.  I still had the PEG (feeding tube) in and it would stay for in waaay too long and it finally had it removed in June or July, I had to go under the gas because it hurt like a SOB when the doctor tried to remove it.  It stayed in longer because there was the possibility I would need more major surgery.

I do remember Nancy telling me that when I was in the comma my electrolytes went wild.  Just when they thought I was somewhat stable this happened and what a way to jerk the emotions around even more after they’ve been already been through so much.  Nancy did a stellar job of paying my landscaping bills, letting certain customers know the situation, taking over completely everything related to the house.  Cliff, one of my close business associates, did a wonderful job of taking care of customers.  Some of my running friends walked Bella and Heidi, Yen brought over sumptuous fried rice.  Friends really helped Nancy get through a very trying time.  Just remembered:  Instead of calling all my running friends,   she sent out mass test messages to let everyone know all the updates.   It would have been difficult, and trying, to talk with everyone.

Oct 26 Friday:  I have really been a bit tired lately, I wonder if that hard 2 mile walk Sunday with Micki is the root cause?  If so, I am truly pissed.  Here I used to be a decent age group trail runner and doing 15 -20 miles trail runs for fun and now I am tired from a very easy lousy 2 mile walk.  Crap, will I ever recover to do more?  Some say it is a miracle I am even here and much less walking at all.  All I can do is plug on!

Naiveté can be your best friend when trying to make a comeback, you just don’t realize how high or tough the recovery road can really be. Blissful ignorance about legal issues that seem to take lots more time than they should, physical limitations of your current self, just all the stuff that seems to hold one back. I don’t have any big plans after everything is settled, maybe just several small ones like driving, being out on the trails with friends, taking the dogs for long walks and maybe doing/having some stuff done around the house.  Nothing major but I would like to redo the pond with larger boulders, maybe building a covered shelter with a fireplace or firepit.  No, nothing extravagant just some stuff we were planning on anyway.

Am I still me?  I think the mental me is still about the same but certainly not the physical me.  So lucky the head impact did not turn me a mindless lump of flesh or make me totally invalid.  Other than being bored and down because I can’t go walking around or drive, the mental me seems to be ok, not great but ok.  I think once I can get out and really start pushing myself my whole outlook will change for the better. Some might wonder how I deal with all this and I guess it’s really pretty simply: some gallows humor helps some, don’t ask “Why me?”, try to have a good outlook in spite of everything, set goals that are realistic.  When I was in the hospital I was already planning what trail races I thought I be able to do.  To my credit I focused only on the relatively easy ones and none of the challenging ones.

Just found out I have another appointment with another ophthalmologist in several weeks.  Oh boy, now I get to really try to explain why my vision sucks.  Just to make sure nothing important is forgotten I’ll do another short write up on my vision issues and give it to him.  I think this will be the last doctor appt for the defense, they’ve already done the psychological tests, orthopedic exams and whatever else so once they receive the info from the ophthalmologist they might be ready to make an offer.  Getting there.

I’ve gripped some about the group sessions and noted the final appt with the Dr was after Thanksgiving. His office called today and I go in tomorrow afternoon, supposed to take 3 – 5 hours.  More tests, ugh. Ok, I did get to talk with both group leaders for just a moment and one commented she really liked my positive attitude and that made me feel good.  I gave both a suggestion they read  ”Rebooting My Brain” and I think they will probably do that.   Few minutes later I got to do some more tests, mickey mouse kind, and then finally a few minutes with Dr. Flores.  So far as I could tell he thinks I am doing pretty darn good and no more visits.  Yea!!!!  Well, no more visits to him or PT means Austin will lose out on a few hours of easy work.  If he finds a part time job I’ll just have to deal with it and use a taxi.

Sometimes when your life’s suitcase is dumped, don’t’ get mad or upset – get rid of what is no longer needed, repack what you really need and it’ll be lots lighter, and move on.

For several weeks I’ve been able to move the 5 gallon water bottles by actually carrying them to the dispenser and reloading it.  This is the bottom load dispenser so there is no lifting those heavy bottles waist high and then trying to maneuver the open bottle into the dispenser w/o spilling.  I can also reload the dog food container with 35 pound bags so I am getting some of my strength back, it ain’t pretty but I get it done.

 Cruddy day, I did give Bella a bath and that is ALL I did.  Did not walk at all and that is the FIRST time in many weeks I did not do even a single lap.  I, however, did take a very short moonlight stroll in front of the house with no cane or brace.    That was the first time I have been out today and a mixed bag.  I am just tired and the damn tinnitus seems to be worse today.  On the other hand, it did feel kinda good just to be out for a minute.

I spent some time on the Whitaker Natural Health website today and I think I will go see him right after the settlement.  They’ve been in business for 30 some odd years and I think that is a testament for them.  They have many different treatments and I have a lot of things they can work on.  Maybe I can  get one or two hurts/aches items made better.

It might be time to make a distinction between me and me.  There is the mental me and the physical me, related and intertwined, sometimes and sometimes not.  A big part of the mental me longs to be back out on the trails with friends and part of the mental me realizes that may not happen for a while.  Meanwhile, the physical me is sometimes tired from just doing next to nothing or doing several laps around the block.  How the hell am I gonna do anything out there, and what the hell am I thinking? I suppose it’ll all be sorted out in a few months.

Maria, Rebooting my Brain, touched upon something that may be applicable to me.  I did suffer from an extremely hard hit on the head (I broke the bus windshield) and right at the moment, I think I suffer no major mental issues, other than being occasionally down, but she mentioned that brain injury patients sometimes had problems years after the accident, kinda like a delayed PTSD.  It would be nice if the other party would cover therapy or whatever in case it is needed.

10-28  Sunday  I’ve saw several friends Thurs. at the Famers Market and they all commented on how good I look.  I suppose that is true because I certainly do look lots better than when I was in the hospital/nursing home or even a few months ago.  But….as I’ve said before I just wish I felt as good as I supposedly look.  Nevertheless, I should be very happy I can get those compliments because the alternative is sucky.

Still warm today but I did another 1 mile, very easy, in under 30 minutes.  When the weather stays cooler I might be in a better mood to try to get consistently under 26 min mile.  Maybe ankle, feet and toes will feel a bit better when cooler.

Still. A cruddy crappy day, just don’t want to do anything but a little too warm to walk.  Crappy do-do.  I touched on this a few days ago, I can now lift my right leg up all the way to put boxers or pants on. I can now stand on one leg, and not hold on to anything, and get them on.  I can also stand on one leg at a time. Making progress

Think I’ve finally figured out why I lately seem to be out of it.  Well, for starters not seeing well sucks, tinnitus is often loud, and one of my hearing aids needs to be sent in for repair so I hear not worth a damn.  In addition, my voice still sounds not right to me.  Never mind all the physical stuff that aches and other stuff that does not work well, so there!  Kinda like blind, deaf, and dumb! And hurtin’.

I seem to be in a little better mood today but have a little, very little, go juice and so I did just a little bit of vacuuming and picking up.  Done, for the day! I did .5 mile this morning and late today another 1 mile.  Really sucked, no go at all and I had to make myself get out there to go round n round.  Eye, feet, and head not really happy and I am not happy either.  I seem to have no endurance/stamina improvement in spite of all the walking I’ve done.  Craps, there goes my slightly better mood.  The only improvement I’ve noticed lately is when doing cannonballs for yoga I can now kiss my left knee and if I work hard I can kiss my right knee.  A few weeks ago it would have been extremely difficult, if not impossible, for me to do something like that.

Since I seem to be whining a bit I might as well expound upon the hurts:  Toes and bottoms of both feet are definitely worse than a couple of months ago, right ankle is way worse, tinnitus comes and goes (mostly comes!), vision is lousy – its like, I don’t know, my vision and my brain don’t communicate very well.   Even the easy chair is not comfortable for very long.  Damn it, I just wanna get something better.

Tuesday Oct 30 Today seems to be a bit better.  Nick and I did some yard work for about an hour or so and then errands.  I even walked 11/2 miles this evening and the last mile was at 26 min which is decent, not the fastest but good with Heidi and 1 lap going up the alley.  Maybe the Tylenol last night helped, I need to try it again and see if it really helps.

Yippee, did a mile moonlight walk, up the alley, and no cane. Total time 25:56 and I had to push going up the hill, being dark but, still moonlight, probably slowed me a little but not very much.  Probably need to hit the Tylenol again and see how I am tomorrow.

Went to the colonoscopy doc today, Wed, and I get to do a 2 day cleanout and do another colonoscopy in several weeks.  What joyful joy!  I am waiting with baited breath to begin another round in about a month.  I’m really happy, yeah, right!!  Well, I’ll check my weight before I go in and see what it is.

Halloween was nothing tonight, had about 6 small groups come by.  Did not walk today but did do yoga and exercise at the comm. center. Maybe I’ll walk tomorrow so really a lot of nothing.

Another month bites the dust.  The last 3 months have seen a few changes: some good, some could be better, and some, just changes so it might be time to start another chapter for Nov and we’ll see if anything earthshaking happens.

I had lots of hope and aspirations a year ago and some, finally in 2013, are becoming reality.

 

Chapter 8

Sept 2012

Sept 1 Sat  Suppose it is time to start another chapter.  August had a couple of interesting days like the all day visit to the psychologist and the neurologist in Beverley Hills.  Other than those, I don’t think there was anything worthwhile.  But….there will be a very interesting day at the pretrial hearing coming very soon, can’t wait.

I spend every morning reading the paper and this time I kinda glanced at the car ads.  If, when I can drive again me thinks I’d like to trade my Raider 4wd PU in for a Subaru Outback.  Three reasons:  Lots smaller, easier for me to drive and better gas mileage.  Since I’ll never work again there is no overwhelming reason for me to have a pickup other than it would be nice to have.  I will wait until my eyes are better before I do anything.  I am most definitely planning lots of hiking. Why do anything if I cannot really take advantage of a smaller car?  So it really depends if my vision is better and financially able before I do anything other than dream about it.

I intend these words to be a reminder of what is going on with me and my efforts to get better.  Towards that end almost everything here is somehow related.  I do not, and will not, hang any dirty laundry for all to see, it does not help my recovery and I really have no dirty laundry to hang out.  There might be a gripe or two but those are nothing in the grand scheme of things.

This I’ve said before: I am always being told that I walk better, I do, and I look better, I do.  It’d be so damn nice if I really felt as good as everyone says I look.  One or two hurts would be no problem, it’s just when everything is crap.  I know, and I appreciate it that I do walk lots better, all I have to do is look at my excel log to see the big increase in speed and distance.  I guess my biggest frustration right now is my crappy vision.  Probably new lens would help but I am such a tight butt I don’t want to spend the money when there is a chance I will get to do the FL eye program in two or three months.  I don’t know how to express my head not on straight,  it’s kinda like just getting off a merry go round.  Not dizzy, dizzy, maybe just a little wobbly.  Hell. I don’t know. 

I took my very latest night stroll tonight at 10 pm – I was so sleepy going up the alley I was tempted to just turn and go back.  Hell no, not gonna turn around after only 250 feet or so.  Not gonna happen but I did do 1 lap and I did call it quits.  I guess a glass of wine might’ve had something to with my sleepiness. Plus I did do a decent 1 mile earlier today.

Sunday I walked 3 miles nonstop, 12 fricking laps!  And the last 2 miles were good, about 6:25 per lap on average so I am definitely faster.  Now then, I just wish my brain and eye would cooperate so I could see as I should.  It still takes me a minute or two or three to get my head on straight once I start walking after I have been sitting for a while.  No like it at all, not at all. I think about the only part of me that functions well and without any problem are my knees and ???, Hell, I forgot! My back!!!

Nancy and I were trying to count all the depositions for my case:  2 for me and 2 for Nancy, 2 for police officers, one for traffic analysts, and another one for bus driver.  That’s all we know about and there may be more we don’t know about.  Close to a dozen visits for me to various doctors, psychologists, and maybe another ophthalmologist.  The bloomin eye tests will probably show that nothing out of the ordinary but all I know my vision is not as it should be.  So I just don’t know.

Micki and I went to Stater Bros to walk on trails.  It’s 1 mile to the tunnels at Bastanchury so it was a 2 miles out and back with good hills on the way back.  I did my very best walk so far, I really had to work and actually had a little bit of a negative split for the return and that’s going hard up hill, feels good.   Since we were right next to the Sports Complex I remembered we did some walks there about a year ago when I was still using the walker. We went there because it has nice wide sidewalks and no crowds, and I might have done 900 feet on those walks and it was a workout.  I really could have done not very much more so I have come a very long ways in the last year.  Hope I continue to improve.

Tues Sept 4    Today I went to Dr. Flores, the psychologist, for my first group meeting, what a waste of time.  15 people for an hour group meeting did not make for a good meeting.  It’s really more like 50 minutes or less. I think only 4 people really got to say much of anything and then there is another 2 or 3 people that have to say something about everything and they take up a lot of time and waste it. Bullcrapola!  The meeting would be so much better with only 6 people.  Everyone would have a chance to speak and comment.   I’ll wait till the one on one with Dr. Flores and then make a decision if it is worthwhile for me to continue. Right now, very unlikely.

Nick and I did take a little walk on the Courthouse Fullerton Loop for 2 miles, felt good even though it was warm.  I have really gotten some good walks these last few days:  El Moro with Mick and the Headz meeting, Mick and I on the Fullerton Loop and just now, Nick and I on another part of the loop.  Maybe by Nov I might be able to do, and finish, the Chino Hills 10k trail race without having to be carried off.

I think my feet don’t bother me quite as much if I am out walking and I am with somebody, but my vision is still fricky.  I go to Dr. Boyce, ophthalmologist, later today and find out if he has anything worthwhile to say. Probably not.  Yep, not much at the eye doc.  Eye pressure is good, do have the very beginnings of a cataract in left eye, damn.  Go back in 6 months.

Crap, I am not me today.  I don’t feel bad, just not with it.  Just funky feeling all over, feet are funky, little aches in forearm and hand, ankle is so-so, and I don’t like it.  No motivation for anything, restless, bored, whatever!!!!

Friday Sept 7:  Nancy and I met with Ron yesterday after my group psychology meeting.  There was good news and news that could’ve been better.  The defense has already paid, or will soon pay, all my medical bills except maybe the hernia tab.    To us, that indicates that the bus driver is primarily at fault and they need to pay.  Could’ve been better news:  no pretrial on Sept 17, but there might be a settlement sometime in Nov.  More could’ve been better news.  If there is a trial it will not be until Feb.  Well, there goes my intentions of my comeback event on Nov 3, it’ll just have to wait a while longer.  Damn, and damn!!!!

We did find out there are 6 doctors on the case, 3 for them and 3 for me,  and each may make $10,000-$20,000 for maybe a week of testimony. I don’t know if the traffic analysts will be an additional amount.  Whoa, it’s a lot of money for this case.

Oh, the group meeting was lots better than the first one.  Still, with 15 people that is a lot of people that would probably like to talk and that can’t be done in 50 minutes.  Hi!  I’m Sam and I have family troubles because of the accident. Next!!!!  Not quite that bad but feels like it. Seems to be almost all workers comp claims and that is a whole nother animal.

I do play a lot of Scrabble because it helps, I think, keep me a little sharper, something to do and costs nothing. I just checked my won/loss for the last few games and I do fair for the average player. I lose about 1 of 5 games and just rarely use the help to complete a word.  Sometimes I’ll ask where and maybe what letters to use.  The dictionary is used lots but I suppose that is not really cheating, just part of the game

I am so tired of everything not being worth crap:  vision, head, shoulder, forearm, elbow, hands, sciatic nerve for both legs, feet, right ankle, toes, Did I forget anything?  Nope, I am surprised I got everything on the first try and in one sentence. Yeah, PT and yoga seems to give more flexibility but things still ache and hurt.  As I’ve said before, I don’t use pain meds and take Tylenol very infrequently.  If I were to be “normal” again I don’t know if I would know right away, probably take several days to realize it.   Well, I did forget one thing:  my hip, how could I forget that?  The shattered hip is probably a major problem contributor to the hernia and infection, my right leg and feet issues. At least no nightmares, headaches, or back issues.  I am almost tempted to say “So fricking what!” but I am very grateful those I don’t have to deal with those issues.

Since I am talking about me:  I understand everything hurting/working poorly on my right side, but my left foot, numb!, and left sciatic nerve? Makes no sense.  About all I can do is go to PT and do the DDP yoga workouts.  Been doing yoga about a month and I think there is slight improvement but I need to keep doing the workouts several times a week. I really want to at least go out and walk, I am so tired of sitting around all day with my thumb up my butt.  Let me do SOMETHING!

Another crappy day.  Head not on very well, don’t feel like walking, blah and bullshit!  I did walk out front tonight for several minutes and even with a great night, just not into it.  Crap.  We’ll see how Sunday fares.  Oh, I will ride with Nancy and Austin tomorrow go to LAX.  Nancy is going to DC and the rest of the family will head out Wed.   So that means Wed, Thur, Fri, and Sat I will be on my own, not a big deal.  About the only difference is that Nancy won’t be coming in at night.  Since she’s comes in so late often that does not bother me.

Just day or so ago I was thinking about doing 6 miles in Nov and right now I’d be lucky to do ½ mile.  Just don’t know, just don’t.  Well, time to hit the sack, we’ll see if things are better tomorrow.

 I do feel better after a good sleep and my head is on straighter this morning.  Hope it lasts. I’ve already got one yoga session out of the way and will probably try to do another later today. 

9-10 Monday  Seems as though I have a bit more energy today and I did a fairly fast late morning walk in just over 27 min.  It’s warm but not as bad as it has been.  Some decent news:  I found my clip on sunglasses in my room.  Maybe the cleaning lady cleaned the shelves and put them under my hat and out of sight.  At least they are found!

Did another mile at 1:30 pm and in little over 26 min.  I looked at my old times and when I first got home in Feb it would take me 12+ min to do one lap.  Now I am doing it 6 ½  minutes fairly consistently and I have broken 6 minutes a several times and that is my next goal,  a consistent 24 minute mile.

Almost pulled a good one:  Thought the one-on-one appt with Dr. Flores was today, it is still 1 month away.  Crap, I really wanted to meet with him and vent a little. I went another group meeting this morning, another total waste of time/money.  With 16 people a good group meeting is not gonna happen in an hour.  If the facilitator moves along and nobody talks incessantly, one does, about half of the group will get to say something.  I’m sure that some people do benefit from this kind of meeting, they realize they are not alone in their struggles, either mental or financial.  I’ve said it before, I think I’ve done very well with the mental issues other than being frustrated by not being able to walk as I’d like and then taking so long to resolve the legal issues.

I walked twice today, 1 mile and later, fastest 2 mile walk for me so that’s good.  Tinnitus does not seem as obnoxious today but vision is still crappy.  It’s cooler today so that is helping with my attitude and get up and go.   Crud, spoke too soon about the tinnitus.

Went by The Snails Pace today and got some new socks and racing/run schedules.  Yeah, I am whileing away the time looking at all the good runs coming up in the next few months.  And yes, I want to do the Nanny Goat 12/24/100 mile run next May 2013..  About 3 years ago I did the 24 hour portion and managed to do 69 miles and with a 2 or 3 hour nap.  It’s a 1 mile flat loop around a horse ranch in Riverside and a great run, I had lots of fun and I feel like I accomplished something.  Next year I am aiming for LMF, or DLM. Least Miles Finished or Did Least Miles!  We ultra runners love acronyms like DFL, DNF, DNS, Did Finish Last, Did Not Finish, Did Not Start. I may actually have a new one and it’ll be just for me!

9-13  Thur  Hit another milestone today, passed 200 miles walking since Feb 8.  Sounds like many miles but…that is less than 1 mile per day for that time period.  Still, I am passing everyone on the stupid couch watching TV and it will only get better.

Somewhere I need to work this into my story:  I move with sureness and grace of a slime cascading over a rock.  It’s not pretty nor fast, but I’ll get there wherever it might be.

It’s still quite warm and I am ready for it be just a little cooler so walkin’ will be a tad more enjoyable.  Still, I depise being locked up as a prisoner and having to stay on my block.  I know, I know, it’s the damn legal issues still.  I am fully capable of walking 5 or maybe 6 miles if it is not too warm.  Yes, I said 5 or 6 miles. I can do 3 right now and get me out where I can extend myself there is no doubt in my mind that is I am capable of lots more.  A half marathon is beyond me for a long while yet, not even near close.

For lack of anything better to do, I wrote my resignation letter to Greg Wittstock of Aquascapes giving notice I can no longer work as a CAC .  Just wrote it so I can revise  it many times before the settlement so it’ll be ready to send out when we are ready.

I’ve noticed that within the last few weeks when I lay on my back I can point my right foot straight up and down.  For months and months my foot, or bent leg, would always flop over to the right and I could not control them.  Now I can hold both straight up and down.  It’s  slow progress, and I’ll take every little bit I can grab.

Skip and I went to the Farmers Market last night and got to see some old running buddies.  It was fun and I caught up a little of the latest going ons.  Mostly good news and some, well, a bit unsettling for me.  It’s about two former friends that are having legal issues, not with each other though.  Snails Pace is still a great group of people, just wish I could be more active, and along with the Trail Headz.  I just wanna get back out there and maybe inspire some folks.

Damn, another hot one today, 106 degrees.  It was supposed to be about 85 degrees now and for the last week or so.  The weather forecasters are screwing up big time.  I’m ready for just a bit of cooler weather so I can walk more.  Another warm one Sat and then a tiny bit cooler.  Still gonna get my walks in.

Still another hot one today so ended up doing a whole lot of nothing.  But… I did wash Bella yesterday and Heidi today.  In some ways Bella is easier for me to bathe than Heidi.  Heidi, I have to bend over or set on the bathroom floor and parts of me no like that.  I can set on a patio chair and get to Bella.  She does not like baths but really not too bad. 

Speaking of no like that:  My feet are crappy, ankle is just a little sore and someplace around the hernia incision seems to be talking to me more today (but not red!), but I do seem to be making a little progress on the yoga program, especially the cannonballs.  As a matter of fact, I think I’ll revise some notes on the health issues that’s already set up to see what progress I might be making.

I think that if I were not into trail running big time and have such good friends I could see how someone in my condition could drift off into a serious depression.  The settlement is getting closer all the time and that does give me some hope.  I really so wanna work on me big time.

Oops. I said last week I passed 200 miles walking.  Not quite, seems I keyed a number wrong and so it is only 194 miles.  I’ll still take it, close enough to round up to 200 J.  Nancy and the gang will be back late tonight and so today is another day to strangle.  Too warm to be outside and walking, crap!

Thought of another way to describe my head not being on straight: head feels like it is swimming around or sloshing about.  It did get a bit cooler today not much and it was late before I did my 1 mile walk.  Other than that, nuttin!

Mon 9-17   Bored stiff, I guess all the hot weather for the last week or so drove me inside and made me very lazy.  I did, however, do a 1 mile walk about 8 this morning when it was cooler so I may try to do 2 miles in a few minutes and at a slow pace just so I can.  Did not happen, heck,I only did 1 lap each with Bella and Heidi, 1/2 mile!  I may try to yoga in a few minutes just to do something, I need to do it anyways.

Everyone made it safely back from DC last night, good to have everyone here again.  I sent Ron an email today voicing some thoughts on my physical condition. Basically, the same things I’ve mentioned the last few months and I hope that gives him some bargaining power on the settlement. He did tell Nancy that I was one of his hardest clients, hard to deal with because I don’t tell all my aches and pains to the doctors.  Nancy has told me already several times I could do a better job of communicating the hurts.  Well, think I’ve mentioned this before, I seem to have a high threshold for pain, what is a 4 for me might be very a 7 or 8 for someone else.  Oh, being a former ultra runner has enabled me to tune out some of the aches and hurts, so long as it is not too bad and makes it harder for me to be forthright.  Used to be good to be able to tune out but I guess I should become more vocal.

The weather has finally turned into the more moderate weather we should have had all along.  To that end, I did 2 miles after PT and had several new first for me:  fastest 2 miles, fast 1 mile, fastest ¼ mile and I may pay for it a little tomorrow but it’s worth it.  When I can finally break free from the legal issues and start really working on me I should be ready to go all out, just not quite yet.

The more I hear from friends about my recovery thus far really makes me want to do a blog and enter lots of 5ks this spring and show up at trail races to help out.  I have to admit lots of folks were very concerned if I would ever make it and what I would be.  Well, I have made it, sorta.  But, I do have my work cut out for many more months.  I need to be more flexible (yoga!), build my endurance, get my head on a bit straighter and, of course, hope my eyes get better after I do the Healing The Eye program in FL.   Hope to work on all that and do more after the settlement.

Right now about the only thing I can do for more than 5 minutes is FB and walking.  I did a SMALL amount of yard work this morning and it did tire me out way too quickly.  Maybe when it is cooler I’ll be able to more. 

Friday Sept 21 Another warmer day, maybe not too bad.  The space shuttle while be flying over Disneyland in just a bit and hope I get to see.   I did 2 miles this morning, early, and for the most part, very consistent times except for the last lap when I did push a little. But… I am tired and I still need to do yoga in a bit.    

I did see the shuttle!  It was over Disneyland and pretty small but we could make out the shuttle and, just barely, the two chase planes.  Our street in Fullerton was probably one of the best spots to see it and there were several people from around the area just to see it. 

Flashback to May/June 2011.  I remember just getting home and we had a hospital bed set up in the family room.  I really needed one for a few weeks, just not ready to be in a regular bed and still wheelchair bound.  That meant I could not easily get up to go to the bathroom in middle of the night so I had pee bottles, just as I had in the hospital.  I musta been drinking a lot of water then for I remember filling 3 bottles a night and one time I remember falling asleep with a open bottle and it spilled. Ugh, embarrassing.

Nancy and I went out to lunch today, I don’t LIKE feeling the way I do when we’re out, just wanna be halfway normal.  I don’t mind the drop foot and brace, too much!, but just wish my head was on a bit straighter so I would feel more at ease.  No, I am NOT gonna stop going out, as a matter of fact once we’re settled everything, I WILL be out walking lots and going to running club meetings, etc.  I just don’t know how I can work on the head part, just don’t know nor have a clue other than being out.  Basically stopped using the cane except we when go to Ron’s office or to a doctor.

Hoping that when I do get “back” out there will be a young lady, or two, to keep me company on the long hikes/runs or whatever, just for company of course.  I will be more than willing to accept company from anyone, just so long as they don’t leave me out in the middle of nowhere.

Sunday Sept 23  What a frickin’ boring day, little too warm to do much.  Nancy had her car washed today and I tagged along for something to do and we then hit the store for some food.  Nancy is going to a wedding somewhere down in Tecumula by way of Dana Pt , I did not want to go and so I am here by myself, again.  Don’t want to do anything outside but it is getting better and maybe this week it will be really nice.  Right now I’m thinking maybe 3 miles in the morning or maybe even 4, we’ll see. Oh, I really need to do yoga too.

Nancy went to a wedding down by Temecula and someone talked her into stopping by a casino for a few minutes.  She was there 10 minutes and won $504 on the slots.  She left with all the money J  Sure hope that’s a harbinger of things to come on my end.

Damn, so tired of not being able to sit, head swimming, crap, everything!   Just want something to be better.  As soon we get the settlement I WILL spend a little money on me, some, well most is outside the MD stuff, but I think the alternative medicines will be worthwhile shot and I have to do my due diligence to make sure that it might be worthwhile.  I did go to one doctor for my feet and I have no doubt he could probably help but right off it was money, $2000 to $7000  and that just turned me off right then.

I think it is probably easier to tell someone what does not hurt rather than go into detail about all the things that don’t work or hurt.  Things that don’t hurt and function well:  back, knees, left shoulder and arm, appetite is good and I mostly sleep well.   Did something a little different tonight – walked in front of the house without ankle brace or cane and in crocs.  Course it was dark so no biggie but I was tired and that 600 ft was about all I wanted,  and it was very warm too!

Another day:  a good day.  Walked 3x 1 mile already and did 2 yoga sets.  Actually feel half way decent, but still crappy in the grand scheme of things but I’ll take whatever I can get.  Lots cooler today and I am more with it.  Did another 1 mile with dogs and another yoga so that’s 4 miles and 3 yoga sets!  Whoo hooo!

Went to the group meeting at Dr Flores office, still pretty much a waste of my time but still…it is something to do and while I’ve always known people can have really severe medical/financial issues, it does help to put on face on some of the people.  I am extremely fortunate, and thankful, I have no unending pain, at least somewhat what mobile, and while we do have financial issues those are not bad  

Looks like today (Tues) was my last PT session till I can get some more approved by Dr. Asher and insurance.  So…talked Austin into taking a walk with me by Stater Brs where Mick and I walked a few days ago.  Really pushed hard, the weather was great, and knocked 25 minutes off my previous time with Micki,  46 minutes vs 1:10 a few days ago.   Nearly running most of the way, well..what I call a run.  And there is a drop of about 80 ft going and a uphill climb back of 80 ft. with the last 50-65 feet being a definite workout.  Yipppeeeee!  It helped that Austin carried my cane for most of the way so I could concentrate on moving fast, it really helps not having that damn thing around.

I keep thinking my voice is about “normal” for when I talk with/to Bella/Heidi it seems to be almost ok but when I talk with someone, the voice just does not sound quite right.  Frustrating, but if that was the only issue to deal with, I’d take it in a heartbeat. 

Wed Sept 26  A cool overcast morning.  Not sure how I’ll do once it really gets to be wintertime and handling the cool mornings and overcast skies everyday.  Part of me is welcoming the change, the other part is deathly afraid I’ll be freezing my buns even though the actual temperature may only be 55 or 60 so degrees.  I remember all too vividly having to wear a jacket frequently while in the HOUSE! I did not want to turn the heater up 80 degrees and run everyone out so I just bundled up and dealt with it.  But now, I can do yoga and walk so that might help keep me warm and give me a little something to do.

Did yoga early and a 10 am walk, sun is just now breaking out. Just a little tired from yesterdays walk which was a heckva walk for me and so I’m happy. Got in another walk about 4ish and not really into it all that much.  A little tired but took the dogs out anyways so they can get out a bit.  As it gets cooler and I get in better condition they will get out more.  They actually walk very nice which is good.  I am a bit tired, and very bored, but I don’t mind being tired if I’ve done something to be tired from.  Just sitting around all day is tiring and that’s crap.  I did clean up one of the flower beds today for all of maybe 20 minutes and that’s about all I can handle for now.   Before the accident that would have been absolutely nothing to even mention.  But now, I think it is a bit of an accomplishment and hopefully there’ll be more.

Went to the dermatologist Thur and Friday.  The place on my face is healing but it will be several more weeks before it is really passable.  The spot on my thigh was no big deal, go back in 3 weeks.  Other than that, it was warmish today and only a little walking.  Head is again not on worth a damn and vision is well, yucky.  Maybe in 6 or 7 more weeks till a settlement.  If not then, it’ll Feb.  crap, crap and more crap!!!!!

Sat Sept 29  Another totally worthless day.  It’s not that I feel bad, just not in the mood to do a fricking thing.  I took a 1 lap walk which was all I wanted.  All my go juice is gone, gone.   When I’m like this my mood goes South and everything seems to work even worse and that makes me even worse off.  So ready for me to have just a little of me back, tired of being yucky.

 

 

 

Posted on FB yesterday: “Halloween is drawing closer and I’m seeing Frankenstein and friends more often. With all my scars, a little pasty do-over and bulking up, I could probably do a stand-in for Mr. Frankenstein, what’da yall think?”  Gotta couple of cute comments

Well, I really feel down again tonight, the Headz are doing a full moon trail run up on Santiago Peak tonight.  They can be hard runs but what fun being up in the mountains at night under a full moon, seeing all the city lights virtually all around, and being in a big group means virtually no worries about being a midnight snack for a cat that might be about your size!   I did a half hearted moon light stroll around the block, hip seems to hurt more than usual.  Everything seems worse, damn it.

I just checked the walking log and it is now right at 1 year for the hernia confirmation but it was Dec. 15th before the operation because of the blood clots and blood thinner.  If not for that, the operation would have been within a couple of weeks.  As I said before, the hernia and MRSA infection was probably a good thing, otherwise I would now be a real SOB to be around cause I would be 4 or 5 more months into my rehab and pulling at the reins to do something.

I am stealing the next few words from somewhere, most of them in kind of haphazard fashion.  “I will not make my days full of pity, wallowing, depression, full of doubt, what if’s, regrets, and self pity”.  I never look back at that day when everything changed, I don’t remember anything anyway, and think what could I have done differently or why I was there at that particular moment.  Really, it is my nature to try appreciate everything and now, more than ever it just makes me want to try harder and try harder I certainly will once everything is settled.

Received from my cousin in Dallas:

Hi,  

Have you ever felt a little nostalgia at a period of your life seemingly coming to a close?  Remember that when a door closes, a window opens.  It’s an artform to learn to turn our attention from the closed door and to the window — Not only to it, but through it, into the possibility of what is next In your life right now, there are some doors that have closed, or are in the process of closing.  At the same time, there are windows opening, inviting you into this next stage of your life.  Accept the invitation.  Look through the windows.  Pay attention. Enjoy The View,

Yes, there have been doors slammed shut and I am looking for the open window, just hope there is not a tornado outside waiting to invite itself in.   Right now I feel like I’ve been in bed for days, weeks? No energy, don’t really even want to walk, or do yoga. I am just ready to move on. Part of the reason for no energy is it is hot, again and will be for 2-3 more days.  Everyone is so ready for cooler weather.

We celebrated Haley’s birthday a little early today, we all went to Super Mex and enjoyed ourselves, me especially with a margarita.  I still can’t find my voice worth a damn, don’t like being near an invalid or at least feeling like one. I can’t say I had the time of my life, oh it was enjoyable just wish I was more me to enjoy.

At one time I semi-toyed with the idea of becoming active with the Headz running group again, I’m pretty sure I could get reelected as President again if I were able be active and take part in some activities. I really would like to see how and what I could do as President.  Now, I just don’t know.  My voice seems very soft, can’t articulate very well, and I would want to do well if I were president.  If I can’t, I’d rather not.  Well, I have over a year to decide and when the time right I may go for it if I feel up to the job.  The “I just don’t know” seems to be one of my favorite sayings for the moment.

“I don’t know” seems to be recurring all too often and I know no way around it.  Probably better than “I can’t”

Enough for Sept. and time to see what October has in store.

As I review this in Aug 2013 I see the Sept pretrial hearing did NOT take place.  Right now I don’t know why but I suppose it was postponed to a later date.  Have no idea I did not gripe about then.

Aug 2012 Some good, some coulda been better but nothing really bad!

 

Chapter 7

August 2012

Aug 1   Wed   The pretrial hearing on Sept 17th is inching closer and closer.  Not counting the days but certainly looking at the weeks, soon I’ll be able to count the weeks on one hand. Can you tell I am excited?  You bet I am, just wanna get this over and start living, rejoin my friends, and do lotsa things. The Healing the Eye in Tampa, sauna, Ellipitigo bike are the real biggies.  Get those done and I just might be on my way to getting most of the real me back. 

Trying to do the DDP Yoga every morning and so far, I have but just barely getting started.  Hope to say that in a month I only taken off mostly on Sundays.  For not doing anything strenuous it can be a real butt kicker, and I need it.Image

Trying to touch my toes and really trying  - but not there, yet!

I did something last night I have not done in a over a yearand since the accident.  I walked around the block at 10 pm with a bright moon, pleasant weather and it would have been great for a moonlight trail run up in the mountains.  Damn, I miss those runs even though I only did just a few.  They were fun, being out with like minded crazies. Even thinking about Ridgecrest in Dec.,  the 30k that is, but I really need to do several 10ks, and a couple of half marathons before attempting something like that otherwise I might have to get a ride back.  I don’t mind DFL, did finish last!, but a ride back would be embarrassing to no end.

Went into out in the garage again yesterday and got more stuff  tossed.  Have a pile for Cliff, a pile of aquarium stuff for Haley, all the paints are in one spot, and the garage is starting to shape up a bit. I’ll go thru the paint cans again later to see what is good and what goes to the hazardous waste site.  Still have hours of work to do but it does give me something worthwhile to do.  Oh, I still have the storage area by the RV carport that is full of kids stuff, old National geographic mags, Playboys, camping stuff, Christmas lights, and just stuff.  I’ll worry about that AFTER I get the garage in good shape.

Just found out I have a probably 8 hour interview, Aug 21, with a neurologist over at UCLA in Los Angeles, an hour drive at best! I think they will do the sessions in 2 four sessions which suits me fine and I am really looking forward to it.  Sometime soon, there will be another session with another doctor and whatever that is about, I am looking for it too.  Just wanna get it all over with and start being me again, but getting closer.

August 15, Wed   Oh shit!   I overwrote the file I was using for the last several weeks and now have to start over from almost the very beginning.  I’ll try to remember the important stuff, well… at least important to me right now.

I do remember taking Heidi in for her nose.  Not only did she get into her medicine she got into Bella’s meds.  Nancy had to take her to another vet, weekend thing, to get her stomach pumped out, and today more meds were delivered by mail and Heidi got into those.  Damn dog, she’s costing us a fortune.  The meds are not supposed to really bad for overdoses so she seems fine right now but really pissed at her.

Nancy had her deposition last week, for her little accident and her knee, I think it went ok.  Just what we need to deal with, 2 lawsuits!!!

 Sometimes I think it would be better lawsuit wise if I were still in a coma, bedridden or at least in a wheelchair. This is really a Catch-22.  If I do well it just means there may not be as much money.  I really want to be better, lots and lots better but I really don’t want to give up anything either.  It has most certainly been no fun for these 20 months.  Damn those Catch-22s.

Jean May, a good friend from Ft. Worth sent me an old photo of me when I was hashing lots.  This made my day and lots more.

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Zero the Gay Blade!

Probably in late 80’s or early 90’s

 I went a few days ago to have a bit of skin cancer removed from my face, really was not too bad and I’ll be glad when the stitches are removed in a couple of days.  Then there is a little spot on my leg that’ll be a non event.  That’s one thing I will not try to blame on the accident, just not me.  I’m sure there are some people, and attorneys, that would try for anything and everything to get all they can.

I did go Monday for an 8 hour interview and testing with a psychologist, it was quite interesting and a little fun at times but I was really tired that evening.  Went back today for another 2.5 hours and some of the “games” are diabolical.  They show a picture with 6 or 8 diagrams laid out in a grid of 24 spaces.  You have 10 seconds to memorize and then shown 12 diagrams and you get to pick  6 or 8 and then place them on the correct grid spot.  The diagrams are just a little different: mirror images, extra spots, lines or circles.  It is difficult, have no idea how they score on that cause it ends up nothing more than pure guessing.

I get to go to a neurologist way over in Beverly Hills next week for a couple hours.  Can’t wait for that one and then it will only be 1 MONTH till the pretrial hearing.  This is the event I am really waiting on.   The trial itself is in October and Ron, our attorney, said it is not unheard of the defense wait until the morning of the trial for the defense to make a good offer.   I am getting closer and closer to being really excited.  As I’ve said before lots of times, “I am so ready for this to be over and really start working on “me” big time.  I have been working on “me” but this will allow me to go to the next level.

As I think about it, lots of money is being spent for and against me.  The traffic analysis study was about $15,000, and the doctor I went to a few months ago for testing may have been 4 or $5,000 (both were for Ron). For the defense, the psychologist standard rate is  probably $500 per hour for 8 or so hours, and the neurologist will probably be at least $500 for an our or so. I know the traffic analysis is in my favor and hope all the other tests will help me lots. 

The hot weather finally broke so I got in a fairly fast 2-mile walk today, 2nd mile at 25:30.  When I do a mile in 20 min flat, I just might break out a whole bottle of wine just for me to celebrate.  I do feel more lively today I might even do yoga a bit later today.  Yesterday was the first time yoga has called me since last week, really gonna work on it lots.  Oh, I also went back to PT for the first time in several weeks, had to get more authorization from the insurance.  I’ll go so long as they let me, I think it helps and it gets me out for just a little.

Heidi must have an extra gene to get into so much trouble.  Her and Bella meds were delivered yesterday and dropped thru the mail slot.  Guess who opened the envelope and ate all of her meds again?  Heidi of course.   Nancy is really ticked at me for not going to the vet right then but the meds are not supposed to be that much of a problem for an overdose and I did not want to spend another $500 to have her stomach pumped out.  She’s fine but I think we need to have a built-in safety deposit box about 6 ft off the floor that is totally unreachable for her.

The weather is still a bit warm but not quite as hot as it was.  I think I’ll do another walk in a few minutes and hopefully another round of yoga, we’ll see.   Did not do!

Aug 17 Friday  Went to the dermatologist this morning to have stitches on face taken out, now have a half-dollar sized crater just underneath my right sideburn.  They want me to keep it filled with ointment and no bandage, which means I get grease goop all over the phone, don’t know what I’ll do at night because I really don’t want a greasy pillow and sheets every day. Bandage it is.

Just found out from our attorney I have another psychologist visit next week, at least this is just in Santa Ana.   Nancy said this one might be a good one for me to have, I agree with her.  If there were only a couple of things on me that worked poorly, hurt, or both, I could pretty easily deal with it.  But…when it takes 1½ pages to describe everything it can, at times, seem a bit overwhelming.  Not there yet on the edge, just skirting far away from the edges, if I get closer than I want I make myself go for a walk around the block a few times, play on Scrabble, Facebook, or do yoga and so far I’ve managed to stay pretty far away from the edge. So long as I can stay far away from the edge, I’ll be satisfied.  Maybe not as happy as I would like but still satisfied. 

I did a fast 2-mile walk late yesterday evening and then a bit later I did nother round of yoga.  I slept pretty good last night and woke up around 7:45 this morning.  But right now, I am bored silly.  No, I am going to go there about my pants.

Another 2-mile stroll in the bag and during the walk I was thinking a bit about me.  I have no serious pain issues, I can walk (like a drunken sailor) and I have no real weight issues.  It would be too easy for me to sit/lay around, do absolutely nothing, and gain 150 pounds.  When I first woke up I probably weighed 125/130 pounds and that is way too skinny. I was up to 168 for a short while and decided I really needed to be around 160.  That also gave me an excuse to watch my cholesterol and now I have dropped a couple pounds or so, still have just a little more and then I’ll be satisfied.  Now then, if I were to get down to 155 because of lots of walking I would be ecstatic.

I have never asked “Why me?”  What good would it do?  The past is past and unchangeable but sometimes one might make try to amends for something that happened in the past but I don’t think I can do anything about a bus hitting me other than just deal with it.  The pretrial hearing is now 1 month away and I can now count the weeks on one hand, finally.  I clearly remember Ron saying that it would probably take a year for everything to settle and looks he is going to be very close.

 

I’ve not shaved for several days, just waiting until I go to the neurologist in Beverly Hills tomorrow; I just want to be really clean and with it.  Not that I want to impress him with how well I am doing, or not.  I just want to…I don’t know… feel good.

Flashback time:  When I was in the rest home, I did not shave for several weeks, and really no shower to speak of and my hair was yucky and Nancy thought I stunk.  Maybe I did, don’t know.   I do remember my first wheelchair shower and shave.   Ack, the razor musta been used a few times before, no fun being shaved with a dull razor.  Wheelchair showers are not something we typically look forward to but nevertheless I did feel lots better and so glad they have been in the past for months and months.  I likely had a couple more wheelchair showers, don’t remember.   Shaving, I could not do, right elbow would not bend enough and still clumsy with the left hand so either a nurse shaved me or I got Micki to shave me.  Micki was so much better, thank you Micki.

Tuesday Aug 21  Well, I had the neurologist appt today way over in Beverly Hills, 43 miles over there!, and I really liked the guy.  He did all the typical neurology things, checked for feeling in hand and feet with a pin, knocked on joints, short memory tests.  In short, really a whole lot of nothing but I think he could tell I was not faking anything.  At least I hope so. Tomorrow I go for another psychologist visit and as I mentioned before, this I am really looking forward to it.

For fun this evening I did yoga and 3 miles with only a very short stop for water and to get the dogs out for a couple of laps each.  Got a good sweat, oboy!  Hope to sleep well tonight.

Went to Dr Flores for the pysch evaluation today and was really unhappy.  Waited 45 minutes and then took a mickey mouse test that had been photocopied way too many times.  Needless to say, not good quality. That took an hour or so and then more waiting, finally went to his office with 5 other folks and he talked he talked on his cell phone for 10-15 minutes  After that he talked none stop for an hour all about this and that legal stuff. He could have made his point in 20 minutes easily. By that time, I was a most unhappy camper.

 Went back in the waiting room for another 2 1/2 hour wait.  Finally, I got up, told the receptionist “I’m tired of waiting and I’m leaving” and just like that, I left.  Called Austin, he came very shortly and meanwhile they called him and said I would get right in.  So, being the good guy I am, I went back, reluctantly, and did go right in.  The visit with Dr. Flores was just ok, he has a pretty heavy accent and I have to work hard to understand him.  And another conversation on his cell phone, he just needs to turn it off or do something.

I’m set up for group visits 2x weekly and I’ll start week after next.  He should help our case considerably and so I’ll stick with him for a while. A few months ago, I made a list of all my physical ailments and gave him an updated copy so he could use in our case, hope it helps.     Crud, my feet are starting to feel funky again, Nancy does not care for me to say “funky” when describing my ailments so guess it’ll be “not good” or “not normal”.  Hell, I may not even know what “normal” is anymore!

Friday Aug 24   My visit with the orthopedic surgeon today was a disappointment, my elbow shows a very slight improvement and he is not ready to do anything just yet, I go back in 6 months for a x-ray and visit.  So, bullshit! I was really hoping he would be at least willing to proceed a little further on options. Oh, instead of a 2 hour wait like I usually have it was only about an hour or so.  Much better than previous visits.

Just not with it very much today. I did get my blower back and it did start… and not start, again,  bullshit again.  Just don’t feel like doing much of anything but I want to. Stupid body and mind are not cooperating with each other today.

Most folks like bit of quite/down time.  I, however, have waaayyy too much quite time.  Quite time can provide one with a bit of looking within yourself, day dreaming, or it might be a time for brooding moody misery.  I do like a bit of daydreaming but I want to stay away from being moody and miserable.  There is plenty to make me unhappy but I will NOT go there.  Instead, I’ll go wash my truck and maybe that will swing my mood around a bit.  The truck got washed but do I feel better?  Some, but not a whole lot, I just wanna have me back.  Well, at least part of the “new” me maybe will be arriving in a few weeks or so.  After everything is settled, the very first thing I will do is make an appt for the eye program in FL.  After that, it will be as everything comes along.  Hopefully, I will be allowed to walk freely, this hanging around here is a huge drag on my smiling face and attitude

It has been 19 months since the accident, I still cannot wrap my mind around it.  I see, and feel, the physical aspects of it but still, I no comprehende. Don’t know what I can do or if I even need to be able to wrap my mind around it. Just deal with it and go forward?

My feet seem to be much worser today; it is not at all comfortable to walk.  Damn, I was doing pretty good for a long while, now I guess I’ll have to wait and see what develops.  Maybe go back to Dr. Cho for more laser treatments or try acupuncture.  We’ll see how the money situation is next week. I am so tired of several forward and more back.  Just wanna move on.

8-26  Sunday  Mick and I went to the Headz meeting at El Moro today and it was good.  We got in about

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2 ½ RT miles in about 1:10 with some good hills, maybe 400-500 ft. elevation change. 

 

I could do that every day and maybe in a few weeks more I can really start doing the Fullerton loop.  I decided a very good walk would be around the Summit House loop. It has hills and not paved so that could be of help with my walking. I checked on Google Earth and it could be about a 6 mile round trip and cross only 3 small streets.  That would be a great route for me. Can’t wait to get started.

My left eye was worser today, everything is not as sharp as it has been and I’m frustrated to no end.  Damn, I really don’t need/want this, I just hope we can settle soon so I can sign up ASAP for the eye program in FL. Also thinking I would like to try acupuncture for feet, ankle and arm, again I need to wait until we have money although Kristy did email me months ago and said there would be no billing until the case is settled.  Tempted to go ahead and try it but I probably ought to wait for a few more weeks to be sure.

Nancy and I drove down to Laguna Beach to look at a house the bank just sold.  It is a nice place but not me.  I have no desire to live there and fight horrendous weekend traffic, be right on top of neighbors and have a tiny yard, no thanks. I can spend 2.3 million lots better elsewhere. Almost forgot to mention I actually fell, I missed a couple of steps that were the same floor stone all around and took a little tumble.  Thank goodness, it was inside, out of sight and no one else was around. Then we went to eat at one of Nancy’s favorite restaurants right on the beach.  It was good but somewhat pricey but expected.  Again, I’d rather do something rather than look at an endless ocean.  Give me a patio with a view up in the mountains or rocks/boulders, good food, a beer and maybe even be able take a walk/hike afterwards. That, I can appreciate much more than the beaches.

Did nutin whatever yesterday and really about the same for today except for a doc visit, vet visit, physical therapy and a Snails meeting tonight, if I feel up to it and in the mood.  The doc visit today was for the skin cancer removal on my face.  Looks bad, just a scab and should fall off in maybe 4 weeks and I’ll have a normal face again, yea!

Heidi is losing a lot of fur and probably all related to all the meds she ate a few weeks ago.  Damn dogs are expensive, but worth it.  I go the pt later today and do I want to go?  Not really, just not with the program again.  Don’t feel bad, just no energy, everything seems like it hurts some, no smiling face on me, and it is a bit warm and so I’m staying in.  Blah, bah, humbug, whatever!!!!

Aug 29 Wed   Hot!!!  The weather is hotter than forecast, the weathermen were wrong again. I am so ready for it to be cooler so the walkin’ can be longer and I can push myself a bit more.  Saw a young lady this morning that used to live behind us and across the alley.  She remembered me, I have no clue what her name is.  But, we played a bit of catch up and she seems to be a very pleasant young lady.

I am even thinking about trying some acupuncture to see if it helps on any of my hurts/aches. After Nancy gets back from DC would be a great time to try. Heard lots of good stuff about it and would at least like to try and see if it does anything for me: shoulder, legs, feet, etc.  Just wanna do sometime besides sit around all day with my thumb up my butt.  Too warm to do much in the yard or anything, I may try to do another walk this evening when it cools off a bit.  At least tomorrow may be a bit busier with the dermatologist visit, pt, and some running around.

Friday Aug 31  Last day of month, only 17 days til pretrial hearing, won’t be long until I can count the days on 2 hands and then one hand.  I did get my pressure washer back yesterday and, damn it, it is no better than it was so I guess we’ll take it back next week.  The hand held blower is finally starting as it should so now I can keep the deck clean.

Just remembered tonight is a Blue Moon so I may just take a stroll around the block after the moon starts shining and then have a Blue Moon Beer. A long walk was callin me this evening and even though a bit warm I got in the 2nd fastest 2 miles to date and a fast 25:00 flat 2nd mile. I checked my heart rate and it was only 82 which must mean I am not a total wussy yet.  I remember having to work very hard to get it up to 160 but most it was mostly 120/130 on long hard runs.  I think my normal rate is probably around 64/66 which is not too shabby.  I will probably never be able to run like l used to but still, I can probably get it down to the high 50’s when I start doing my hours long walks in Oct/Nov. I will go all over the place.

Posted FB tonight: “Since tonight is a real Blue Moon I think I might go out for a few minutes and enjoy it. Then I will have a Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale so there will be two Blue Moons for me tonight.”   Did not take long to get several likes. Mission accomplished and took Bella/Heidi out and NO CANE for me tonight.  First walk w/o cane and both dogs.  Bella had not been out much this week and kinda a handful for a couple minutes.  Heidi, no problem.

In 2010, Karl Meltzer ran the 2064-mile Pony Express Trail, from Sacramento, California, to St. Joseph, Missouri, in 40 days, averaging 53 miles a day and ticking off 105 miles in 19 hours on the final day.

 “Knowledge and preparation are rarely a part of most of us in our attempts to do the impossible.”  Unknown.

I hope to be doing the near impossible in a few months. Just being up and semi coherent for the last 1 ½ years is a huge step, just need to push more and more!  Once everything is settled, watch out world.

July 2012 Now only a year behind! Things did not happen near as fast as we expected but…. that’s life.

Chapter 6

July 2012

July 1 Sunday   Today seems to a good day start another chapter on my recovery journey.  Nancy and I went for beignets and coffee at a great little place reasonably close by.  Stopped by Sprouts and got some stuff to grill outside on the new grill. I’ve already got in an 11/2 mile walk with Bella and Heidi for decently fast several laps.  Probably do another mile or so this evening when it is a bit cooler.  Eck, just remembered to do some PT exercises so let me jump on those real quick.

I try to remember every day to appreciate what I do have in spite of the events in the last 1 ½ years.  It could have all too easily been lots worse.  I could still be wheelchair bound with little hope of even walking, have lots of severe pain, or even completely bedridden, I am none of those. No, I am not the old me but there is a lot of hope in getting at least some of the old me mostly back.

My best walking speed is slowly improving, down to almost 24 min per mile if I just push a little bit.  As I said earlier, my immediate goal is 20 min mile so I am getting there.  It was not that long ago when I first really started walking long my average was 40 minutes mile and here I am knocking off nearly 16 minutes per mile. Whoo Hoo! J The PT exercises are coming along and I can do 12 pushups, still from the knees and not toes as I should.  Trying to become more flexible on the toes but that will take a bit of time. 

The major impediment, I think, to my recovery is being an old fart, I was 65, nearly 66!, when the accident happened.  I think most people my age would have never made it, I’ve just been around too many folks , young and old, that don’t have the whatever to do better and get better.  If I were 20 years younger it might have been a faster healing process for me but it is useless to dwell on the “what ifs”. I can still feel the hernia incision sometimes on a harder walk but I am not surprised.  I had a kidney removed 30 some years ago and even though I healed within a few months I still could feel the incision for about 2 years, it took that long to completely heal.

Took another hard 2-mile stroll this morning and got under 51 minutes.  I had to work at it a bit and Heidi accompanied me for 3 laps, I think she was ready for a break after only 2 laps.  What’s she gonna do when we really start putting the metal to the pedal?  It should not take her long to get back into shape.  I’m tired, feel like I just did a 15-mile run and here I am only doing 2 miles.  Jeez, how long will it take to get back to doing the 15-mile walks/runs?  Looks as though I will have lots of time and just need to bid my time for a few more weeks before I get back doing the long walks.  Damn, I’m ready right now!

Doing some PT exercises with my right foot and trying to make it turn in since I have little control in that direction it is a hell of lot work.  One grunts, groans, and grunts some more and nothing, or little, happens.  But… it is a teeny weensy bit better than before, just needs a lot more work.  Since I am on the subject of PT, I am doing some, actually very little, yard work.  I am doing it so I can bend, stretch balance or whatever and I use that in lieu of exercising all day long.

July 3  Tues  A trip to the defense doctor was most interesting.  I guess all of my several hospitals, a whole bunch of different doctors, and probably a foot thick stack of medical records is not enough for the defense, they wanted their own doctor to examine me.  We were there 3 hours with virtually no waiting.  They made x-rays of my right hand, shoulder, hip, right leg, and both feet, really almost all of my right side.  Of course, there were lots of different kinds of measurements and strength checks and I think I had no problem convincing the doctor I needed my PT, lots of time to heal, and I would be fortunate to be nearly whole.  I really liked that doctor, and his staff, and if I could, I would certainly prefer to go to him instead of the orthopedic doc I am now seeing.  Oh, I know that it did not hurt that the defense doctor had done several Camp Pendleton Team Mud Runs and we talked just a little bit about my running.

Ron, our defense attorney, has 5 depositions to do in the next 2 or 3 weeks.  One is for the traffic analysts, a couple of police officers, and I don’t know who else.  The police officers are mostly clueless so there should be no problem with them.  The traffic analysts did a great job on my behalf so they should be a big help. I’ll see if I can find out from Nancy who the other people are.

Wed. July 4   Here it is 4 o’clock in the afternoon and I am so fricking sleepy, sleepy, sleepy.  I think getting up at 7 am or earlier for the last 3 days is doing me in.  Hopefully I’ll be doing that lots when everything is settled and I can drive somewhere.  Have no clue what’ll I be doing somewhere, hopefully lots of walking all the place, new places to walk, riding an Elliptigo bike, something.

I do remember last year Nancy wanted me to go down the little hill in the wheelchair to watch the fireworks and not use the walker cause she did not want me to over exert myself and be safe.  Our neighbor across the street, Jake, had to push me back up to the house, Nancy just did not have the wherewithal to get me back.  This year, no wheelchair, no walker, and no cane, yipeeee!  I still use the cane on walks for appearances sake.

Weighed myself this morning and, not happy at 168.8 pounds. This is the heaviest I’ve been in a very, very long time.  Guess it is time to not eat, just not cut back and just not eat for a day or so and then very lightly.  And walk a lot along with lots of PT exercises. Then Sat. morning I’ll check myself again. Two or three years ago, when I was running really well and working hard I could weigh 148 pounds.  Yep, 148!  Now I would be ecstatic to be 158 or 160 and that is my goal within two or three months.

I did find 3 quarters and a penny; hope this is a harbinger of things to come. I did 2 miles in 60 minutes, could I do a 10k in 2-2.5 hours?  Right now I kinda doubt it but give me a few weeks and you bet your bottom dollar I could, and maybe a bit faster.  25 years ago, I would say a lot faster but this old fart is just gonna take longer; age just does that to you. Cruddy dud!!!

More walkin’ and trying not to really push myself on every lap but I am happy my average lap times are slowly improving to under 7:30 lap and often right at 7 min. Lots on my mind today:  the settlement is coming soon (I hope!) and what I want do once everything is settled. As I’ve said before I do not want a sports car, expensive clothes, or lots of clothes, lots of fine dining (maybe once in a great while for Nancy), lots of exotic trips and anything expensive. I will take a sauna, an Elliptigo bike, treatment for my eyes and do almost whatever for all the hurts or is poorly functioning.  All this is relatively inexpensive. Basically, everything I want is to help me get better and get the real me back.  Also thought about which trail runs I might be able to do this fall/winter, provided I could get in shape for them.  Probably no 50 k’s for a long, long while but I might be able to do a couple of 30 k’s (18 miles) next spring. The Ridgecrest 30/50K next Dec might doable since that is the easiest 50k in SoCal.   A half marathon easy trail run would be great; I just need to make sure my eyes are not bigger than the run.

I want to be around trail/road running friends and enjoy myself out somewhere.  Driving will make everything so much obtainable.  Nancy does get a bit irritated with me cause I tend to downplay my hurts, I guess it is the ultra runner in me and I just overlook most pains.  When I say a pain is a 3 it is probably 5 or 6 for most other people.  I’m trying, I’m trying to do better.  About the only thing that really aches when I walk is my shoulder and it is really a 3 or maybe 4 but I probably should say a 5.  Speaking of walking, I did 4 ½ miles today and ½ mile each with Bella and Heidi, they were good.

July 7 Sat  I guess the 4 ½ miles yesterday really did me in, just don’t want to walk at all today.  I guess my spirit wanna be is bigger than my body.  I think once I can roam further away things will be better.  I hope so cause I really want to go all over the place.

It has been said the biggest regret is often not doing something and later wishing you had.  One of my biggest regrets is not taking lots and lots of photos out on the trails or runs.  I do have a few really good ones but dang it, wished I had lots more.  When I get back out there, I will make sure to take lots and lots of photos.

I’m hungry, but not really, I think.  For breakfast, I had 1 waffle with a tiny bit of syrup and late this afternoon I wolfed down an In-and-Out burger (no cheese!) and more fries than I really needed.  Later today I made energy bars and they are good.  All they are is dried fruit like dried plums, dried figs, dates and just a little bit of nut pieces and I feel a little guilty when I eat one, they’re like candy.  We’ll eat out Sunday for Nancy’s birthday and I’ll really try not to pig out.  It won’t be hard cause I do a pretty credible job of watching the diet.

FB is a great way to pass the time especially since I feel I can’t do anything worthwhile.  Love reading about everyone doing this race or that trail, the occasional trail owie on the knee or whatever.  Just wanna do something besides sitting around all day with my thumb up my butt. 

I will have several of these shirts made once everything is settled.  I think this will a huge attention grabber.

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July 9 Monday    Because of the accident, another pond contractor ended up doing a rainwater harvesting system with 2 waterfalls at Huntington Beach.  Just found out from Cliff, a fellow pond contractor, that the contractor who ended up with the job instead of me still has not been paid by the general contractor and is out $15,000.  That would have done exceedingly great damage to my finances.  That’s one really good thing because of the accident and one minor thing, no more athletics feet!  At one time I was really bummed out because Cliff tried to salvage the job but the general contractor ended up being a flaky operator and so we lost out on what would was supposed to be my biggest and highest exposure job.  Now I am so glad we lost out and not do the job.

I went with Cliff today to see a lady about doing some work for her.  She’d originally called me but I told her I am no longer working and that she should talk with Cliff.  Since it is so close by Cliff and I went together and it appears that he might get a good job out of this, I hope so because he has been a huge help in the last 1 ½ years. Being the good guy I am and wanting to get rid of stuff anyways Cliff ended up with all my leftover Aquascape stuff, nearly all my pvc fittings and irrigation stuff. I will never work again except for stuff around my house and just want a lot of stuff just gone!

Our housekeeper needed to come in a day early so I got up really early, 7 am, washed and dried all my bed stuff.  She makes the bed for me since I can’t really do that very well, yet!  Got in an early 2 mile walk, weeded the garden and washed the truck, all before 12:30 pm. There were a bunch of leaves in the back of the truck and normally I would just use my blower to blow out the leaves.  But… my blower no workee and I could not climb into the back of the truck, just too high with the way the driveway slopes down. 

A lady from the Project Clear came by this afternoon and just checked on how I was doing with all the MSRA stuff (soap, mouthwash, and nasal ointment) I’ve been using most of the year.  Also she takes swaps of my nose, mouth, armpits, and groin area.  I am no longer embarrassed about dropping my pants, at least a little ways, and I received $35 and I’ll save it for something special.

About to do PT and I need to do some like right now! Pushups were a bust today, guess I am a little more tired than I thought.  But I can do some stretching and I need lots cause everything is way too tight.  I mean everything, well almost everything but I be darned if I know what works like it is supposed to

Crappy, crappy, just found out the trial is scheduled for Oct. and that means up to another 2 ½ months of this bullshit.  I am ready to wrap up everything NOW.  I want to really work on getting me back.  Me means my vision and driving, getting rid of most of my hurts/aches, going out for club runs (walking for me!) and just getting back into life.  Probably a good thing for the hernia and MRSA for if it did not happen and losing 4-5 months of rehab I most certainly would be in a piss poor mood right now, and stay that way for weeks and weeks more.

Just found I can do real pushups IF I wear my shoes.  Right now I can only go down about half way but it’ll get better cause I’ll do them at least once a day along with other odds and ends of PT.  Don’t know if I’ll get everything in at one time but should be able to get most everything in throughout the day.

July 12  Thur    Did a solid 3 miles today and my weight if finally is headed in the right direction, 165.8#.  Oh, the last mile was just a hair over 21 minute mile and so I ‘m closing in on my goal of 20 min mile.    Did all 3 miles in under 1:10.   I remember walking over to Brea blvd and that took a 1:22 just for 2 miles.   Definitely, getting faster and my endurance is improving and finally getting an endorphin rush.

Flashback:  Back in June/July 2011 when I first went up and down the stairs, Austin was on the down side of me for a long while just to make sure I was ok.  My balance was still iffy and I was just barely strong enough to go up and down the stairs. About that same time I was learning how to step up on the front door threshold.   It took me a while to comfortably go in and out.

Crud, there’s been another bike fatality here in Fullerton.  A biker was going down a hill on the Fullerton Loop just before Bastenchury and maybe lost control and went into the very busy street.  One car hit him and left (hit and run!) and then the biker was hit by another car, this one stayed to try give assistance.  I know that hill all too well both running and biking.  It can really be dicey on a bike if you are going very fast at all and try to stop while doing a  rather steep downhill, the tires just slide all over on the loose dirt/sand/small gravel and one could end up on the busy street which is just right there!

Regrets, there been a few and it is mostly what I did not do.  I wish I had someone take photos of Indy, Ginger, and me running and biking.  Yes, I had the big Dalmatian, Indy, and the smaller whippet like dog, Ginger, running with me while I was biking or running.  They really did well and we took up the whole sidewalk.  They NEVER pulled me over, ran into anything, and I never crashed while biking. People just can’t believe I took 2 dogs, on leashes, and rode my bike.  If I was in the right place, they could run free but they behaved wonderfully. 

Friday July 13   Did lots of walkin’ today.  1 ¼ mile each with Bella and Heidi, Bella was great today, one  

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               Notice how my right foot is turned out?  Now it is mostly straight!

of her very best walks.  Heidi left her calling card down the street and I had to pick it up on my last lap.  Did another 1 ¼ miles and a grand total of 3 ¾ miles and 15 frickin’ laps, if it were not for the stopwatch on the I phone I would simply lose track of the laps and distance.  I want my Garmin back!

Along with the little bit of weight I’ve lost my shorts do feel a bit looser, yea!  Hopefully within 2 months or so I can really work off another 6 or 8 pounds. That means I would be back to about my normal running weight, very likely not in shape like I once was but good enough for now.

I’ll be the first to admit it does get lonely around here since I can’t really wander off like I want to, about all I can do is walk and piddle around on stuff.  If I could drive, everything would be so much different and better, at least I think so.  I always say “be careful what you wish for, it might end up biting you in the ass.”

Got in an early, for me, a 9 am 1 mile walk and the marine layer burned off just as I finished 1 mile, decided that was enough for now.   I read a lot on the Kindle and I’m always coming across a passage that I think might apply to me, ”Limping is better than being disabled and much better than being dead.”  I’ll take a drunk walk anytime over not being here. Finally wore some running socks instead of my grey Hanes I’ve worn exclusively for the last 1 ½ years, dug out some of my old ankle high running socks and now I have a nice band of white skin showing above those socks.  Looks kinda funny but I really don’t give a hoot.

A GPS is really great for going somewhere, too bad there is not such a device for life.  Something that could show the best way, shortest way, fastest, most scenic or whatever way to wherever one wants to go or do.  There is really no substitute  for hard work and being smart.  Even so, one still might have detours, like me! But all one can do is to try to make the best of it.  What is past is past and not a damn thing we can do to change it.  I’d really like to have another 1 ½ seconds to get out of the way but…..life goes on.

We’ll almost certainly have a settlement by Oct. and to that end I’ve been looking for 5 or 10 k races I might enter. The Chino Hill Series starts Nov 3 and is a 10k and I have been on parts of that course many times so that would be a great start on my comeback. Plus I’ll get to see many trail running friends and maybe even get a hug or two from the good lookin’ ladies. And I get to wear my new shirt, the one with “I really was hit by a bus, What is your excuse?” Can hardly wait.

I am really tired and sleepy.  I don’t know if it is the walking from yesterday or what, perhaps if I could walk somewhere else it might be a little more tolerable. Or just being around here all day and doing a whole lot of nutin’, just don’t know.  I’m sure the accident had nothing to do with me being nearly profoundly tired, yeah, right!  I did take Bella out for 2 laps and walked with Jane, our neighbor, and Heidi for 1 very slow lap and 1 more fast lap with Heidi.  The slow lap took 12 minutes and when I first started walking the block it would take me 13-14 minutes to one lap and now if I push I can do several under 6 minutes or even almost 5 minutes ;-)

Today is nice and cool at 76 degrees and I’m cold, cannot seem to get really comfy unless I’m out walking, hard.  It would be nice to have the sauna now but maybe in a couple more months. I’ve already done 2 miles today so I guess it is time for another 2 laps or so to get warm and sweaty again which means it’ll be shower time.  It’s probably a good thing I had the hernia and the MRSA infection since they probably set back my rehab for a good 4 maybe 5 months.  If I now was where I should be on my rehab I think I would be a real bitch wanting to do lots more than I should right now.  Maybe a setback or two is a good thing. In addition my vision still sucks and not sure if I could drive, I think the pink eye might have screwed my left eye up a little, it just not seem as quite as good as it once was and my depth perception sucks.

7-15    Monday   Another great day for a walk round and round and round and round, 16 laps for 4 miles.  Bella and Heidi each got to do 2 laps.  I pushed a just a little harder for the last mile: The first lap was slower at 6:24 then 5:55, 5:38 and finally a 5:14 quarter for the last lap. That gets me down to about a about 22:30 mile w/o really pushing too, too hard, this after 3 miles.    I should be hitting 20 min miles in 3 or 4 weeks.  When, not if!, I can do several 20 minute miles it be time to reevaluate and set my next goal.  Whoopee, I did another mile this evening and not really too tired so I guess my endurance is building, slowly.  Now time to do some serious PT exercises.

It really gets boring and lonely around here without anyone to talk to or visit.  My head still feels like it is not quite on straight, it may have something with being bored, vision sucks and tinnitus is still there but comes and goes but mostly here, ugh.  I stopped taking the tinnitus medicine a few days ago, I wanted to see if it made any real difference and so far, I just don’t know if it really does anything. It is not just for tinnitus, but is supposed to help with sleep and is an antidepressant. I don’t think there are any issues with depression, just boredom.  If I could go walking wherever I wanted most of the boredom issues would be gone, maybe in another 2 months or so but damn that’s a long time.

Mick came over and we sat out by the fire pit for a while.  I enjoyed a bottle of Blue Moon, first in quite a while and it hit the spot.  She also made some homemade chicken noodle soup made with purple carrots so everything had a purplish tint, said it was really lots more purple earlier but was very good.  Saved some for Nancy.  We might try a new hamburger joint, Umiburger ?, that is really supposed to out there, probably better split one since I think they are quite large.

7-18 Wed   Pulled a good one today.  Really in the mood to clean stuff out of the garage so I went thru a lot of the sales brochures, etc. and tossed all, lots and lots. Unfortunately, it did not go into the recycle trashcan as I intended so I had to literally dump it all out so it could go in the right container.  They are too big just to reach in and grab everything.  I’ve done this before and will probably do it again but at least not for a while.  Pam, one of my good Cal Poly friends came over and took all the Water Shapes mags, a bunch of LA books and some other stuff, she will take them to a library so maybe a little good might come out of this.  Still have lots more stuff to go thru. Going thru all my old jobs, bank statements, etc, and tossing nearly everything, those I will have shredded.  Finally found a cheap place over in Orange and it should be less than maybe $25-30, about ½ price, or less, than anywhere else. 

Went to the dermatologist today to get sutures out and I do have two more bits of skin cancer. I think we might get to them before they become a real problem.  Go next week to do the face first and then the spot on the leg.  This is one thing I cannot blame on the accident and there is no intention of even trying.  Undoubtly, some jerks would try to do just that.

Another day, today I just really feel like doing a whole lot of nothing although I might try to do a bit of carpet shampooing downstairs.  Heidi has been taking some medicine for her nose and she is drinking a whole lot.  Not sure if she has really peed but sure seems like she might have.

Golly, just not the most chipper today, not even taking a walk this morning, maybe this evening when a bit cooler.  I don’t like this.  If I could just go walk somewhere I’d better feel a lot better.

Oh, Nancy told me I have an appointment with our attorney, Ron, next Wed to talk about our case.  She did say that initially the defense thought I was 75% at fault and now the faults have reversed, me 25% and the bus driver 75% at fault.  That still does not excuse the fact that 4 other cars were stopped and the driver knew the area, the bike crossing and there were no vision issues from his perspective.  I am most anxious to go see Ron and see what the game plan might be.  I am so ready for this to be over and settled.

Trying to do some PT exercises like standing on one feet and balancing.  Left foot is great, right foot, not so great and I can manage balancing on 1 maybe 2 seconds before touchdown.  I am working on my pushups, right now I can only go about half way down for 10 pushups but it is way better than just several weeks ago. I can do sit ups w/o any problems and stretching not a problem, just standing on right foot is the real challenge for me now.

I have been out in the garage tossing stuff I will never ever use again.  Damn, I used to be able to clean and put up or get rid of stuff in the garage nonstop for 2 or 3 hours  and make it look good, now I am good if I last 15 minutes. I did come across something very unexpected, a cd of quite a few photos from my Cal Poly trip to Italy, still missing all the Paris/Rome photos.  They might be on the hard drive of one of the dead computers.

I want me back so bad; I struggle with myself trying to get myself (mind and body) better.  As I’ve bitched rather numerous times, if my vision was good enough to drive everything would be, I think, so much better.  Even if I could just get out of the neighborhood and walk, it would be better.  But I guess I better be happy with my status right now for it could be lots worser.

Jumped back into the garage for a bit more cleanup and a very small part is looking more decent.  This after a decent walk late is morning, did 1 ½ miles and met another neighbor, Dawn Marie.  She also a PT and has her own business.   I would not mind working with her sometimes, she’s cute.  Now cut that out Leon and stop being a lecherous old man. I might actually try to take a nap today, just seems that kind of day.

Flashback:  Just trying to remember when I gave up the wheelchair, at least for the most part. I started using the walker almost exclusivity around July 2011 and used the wheelchair only when I woke up late at night or early morning or was going to do a lot of walking like at a airport or shopping. I was still so stiff it took a few minutes for me to be able to walk with minimum problems. When I recovered from the MRSA infection in Feb 2012 is when the wheelchair was parked permanently.  Sure hope I have no more use for it.  Nancy still wants to keep it and I guess when all my old clothes are donated to Goodwill I take the wheelchair out to the garage and find a home for it.  Right now all those old clothes are all parked on it.

Sat July 21   Today started decently:  Finally got rid of the vanities that had been sitting in the garage for about a year, they were left over from the bathroom remodel.  Now I can really start making progress in getting the garage in shape.  It never has been really bad, just a little cluttered but Nancy has always been able to park her car in there with no squeezing in.  Think I’ll try to do some PT exercises and then go back out to the garage and see what else I might be able to do.  I do know one thing I really want out and that is Nancy’s Dad old table saw.  I have no use for it whatsoever and don’t want to just sell because her Dad had it for years and years.  I’d like to get someone to drive me to Deming NM and have Dan, her brother, meet us there and he can get it.  I very briefly talked with him this last spring and he really would like to get it back.  If he does not want to drive halfway then I guess the only option is to sell it but I want it out.

I think I don’t like the way I am right now:  Just can’t do much of the stuff I really want to: like going for long walks, doing much of anything around the house or even driving, just a bitching a wee bit. My shoulder aches a little, forearm is crappy, and tinnitus seems worser today and bored to almost tears. Hell, even my sneezes drive me nuts.  If I had a stuffy nosy one of my sneezes would blow snot all over the place.  Guess that’s one way to get a clear head.

While doing a bit of cleaning out in the garage I found a Wild Miles Relay 2005 cd.  Our team captain did a splendid job of putting it together with movies, stills, and music.  Oh boy, does it ever bring back many good memories, hope to make more memories someday.  My cleaning out mostly consists of throwing all the work related brochures that have accumulated over the last several years. I am saving just a tiny bit of certain ones, why?  Really don’t know, well the Aquascapes stuff is really near and dear to me, at least for a while more.  I am saving some of the Unique Lighting brochures since I would like to do our house sometime this fall.

On my garage cleaning, I am bouncing around working on this for a while, then that for a while and another something else for a while more, but I am making progress it may not look it just at the moment but progress is definitely there.

Jose’, our yard guy, has been doing a fair or so-so job with the yard.  He’s regular, misses no days except for holidays but his edging is just not very good cause he uses a string trimmer instead of a real edger.  I’m not picky, yeah guess I am.  His edging in the yard instead of being nice neat 1/4”or so wide cut is starting to get an inch or more on the curves.  A string trimmer just won’t cut it unless one is very good and careful.  Even I have a hard time being satisfied using a string trimmer so I might consider letting Jose’ go and getting an electric push mower after the settlement, it would pay for itself in about a year or less.   Our yard is not very big, I can push the mower, get some exercise and yard work would give me something worthwhile to do.

Damn, FB is making me jealous with all the big races going on, I don’t know if I would have attempted a 100 miller by now but surely would have done a 50 miler  or 100k (62 miles) in and brag about it.  Maybe in a couple of years I might be able to at least consider it.  Hell no, I am not too old, Trail Runner mag had a feature article a few months about a 80 year old lady doing, I think, a 100 miler, maybe a 50.  At any rate she is someone I can look up to and say to myself, “I am NOT TOO OLD!” 

Just saw this on FB; 70-year-old Arthur Webb beat a very talented female friend and runner by 5 hours at the Angels Crest 100 mile run which is a very tough run.  Maybe someday I can be sorta like him.  Man, I am just going crazy wanting to be out there with friends and enjoying myself.  Certainly I’ll be able to puts lots of time into training, and for now it will be mostly walking a lot.  Just thought of something:  I have an excellent, I hope, bottle of wine I got in Italy several years ago squirreled away upstairs.  Whenever the settlement is reached I’ll probably get it out and celebrate.  It’ll probably be close to $100 now if it can be found at a better wine shop.

7-23  Monday  Think I have mentioned this before:  I am staying up lots later and getting up earlier, and staying up.  It was not that long ago I was ready for bed at 8 pm and slept till 9 am or even later.  Now it is common for me to stay up till 10:30 or even 11 and get up around 7 am.  I get to do my walks while the marine layer is still on and fairly cool.

Finally ordered the yoga cd and it appears there is a very active support group.  I’ve already received 7 emails letting me know there is a great support group and be sure to take before and after photos.  I might just do that and be featured on their Warriors Page.  That would be so cool, even if I don’t make it the end result is gonna be great.

I had a little trouble going to sleep last night, did not lay down until about 10:45 or so and was up at 12:30 am for a while.  Damn restless leg bothered me sorta lots last night, finally drifted off ?????.  Got up around 8 and vacuumed downstairs cause the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow and the house should be at least halfway clean.  After that, no go at all, farted around and worked really hard at being lazy meaning no shower till noon and finally dressed about 1 pm.  Don’t feel bad, not really in a bad mood, just not with it at all today.  I will make myself do at least a little PT today and piddle around in the garage a bit.

Ended up doing no PT to speak of but did an exercise that DDP Yoga had on FB.  I admit it does feel better good, just need to get in a better mood so I’m with the program.Wed, tomorrow is a big day, Nancy and I meet with Ron to discuss the lawsuit.  I am so ready to get everything over with and start, really start, on getting me back.   Have no idea what it is about, maybe because we are getting closer to the end?

7-25 Wed   Today is a big day, I think, but I am just not with it today.  I don’t feel bad, just sorta out of sorts and can’t really describe it other to say it is yucky. My head is on poorly too, tinnitus is a bit worse, everything, it seems, is crappy.  Maybe the feeling of being trapped, not able to do much other than fart around a tiny bit on this or that is contributing.

One thing I do enjoy is reading ultra runner blogs, just makes me wish I could do something.  I’ll never be fast again, but I think with lots of training and yoga, probably lots and lots of long walks, slow jogs, very slow jogs, I might be able to do some of the easy runs.  When I can drive again, being out there definitely will happen.  I want so badly to start a blog and post on FB about my trials and the comebacks but I need to wait until everything is settled. It would be nice to get lots of positive feedback.

I did see Ron this afternoon and things will start in fast forward soon.  Nancy gives her deposition Aug 9th. I will go see a psychologist and an ophthalmologist sometime in the next few weeks.  There will be a preliminary hearing on Sept 17th and after that, I just don’t know. Oh, the City of Fullerton will probably kick in 3 or 400,000 and maybe even $500,000 towards the settlement.   It turns out Ron is good professional friends with the defense attorney and that probably helps a bunch. I mentioned this earlier, Ron is most happy with the 75-25% my fault changing to 25-75% my fault.  It’s getting better all the time, but I still wish the end would just hurry up. At least I think I do, sometimes the wait is better.

Went to the dermatologist today and he removed a quarter sized piece, basel cell cancer, from my left sideburn area and it did smart a bit, especially the second time when he needed to get the leftover carcinogenic cells.  Go back tomorrow and he’ll take a piece of skin off my shoulder to use as a skin graft.  Did it hurt?  There were a couple of times I really flinched and moaned a little and those were not moans of pleasure. As I said before, I can’t blame this on the accident, just being out in the sun too long for too many years.

I did pull a good one.  When they were setting up the appointment Thursday was mentioned and I said that was ok.  What I did not hear was “Aug 16th, thought she meant next Thurs!, and here I am 3 weeks early. They worked me in and Austin came and got me at the bank just as we planned all along. Nancy did not have to take me back home and so no wasted trip for her and that was good.

Went back today to get a skin graft cut out of my shoulder and implanted on my face.  Just a couple of flinches, good ones, but not too bad at all.  Supposed to put ointment  on every hour, ended up every couple hours so I coulda been a little better.  When I got home I looked at my shoulder, wow, a cut about 3” long with about 15 stitches! At least no hurt.  I’m kinda backing off the yoga for cause I need not stretch my shoulder stitches for a few days.

Doug Malewicki, an older very good running friend and another ultra running star, Gordy Ainsleigh, had the best business cards to hand out for the Trans Rockies run. “U Bin Geezered”  They’ll hand the cards out to everyone they pass and it will probably be quite a few.

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When I get back out on the trails, maybe in Oct/Nov, I certainly will have some cards made up with me wearing my new shirt.

As I think about the maybe upcoming interview with a psychologist might be a good thing.  I think about all I can tell him, or her, is along the same things I’ve written about for months.  I just wanna get me back and I will work hard at it and there is no way to recover 2 lost years of my life.  I’m tired of being old and decrepit.  Being old is not too bad, it’s being decrepit that really pisses me off.  I am really starting to dislike having to depend upon someone else to go places and not doing anything I used to do with ease. About all I can do is go forward, maybe slowly, maybe backwards now and then, but keep on going forward.  It’ll be nice when everything is settled because there is much I want to do and can get to work on it.

Sun July 29   Finally got around to checking the elevation change around our block, it’s about 40 ft.  So a 1 mile walk, 4 laps, means there is about 160 feet elevation change up and down and that means I am getting a bit of a hill workout.  Be most interesting when I try for the Chino Hills 10k in Nov. But at least it is all walkable on fire roads with just a short single track trail.  I really don’t care if it takes me 3 hours to do a 10k, all it means is that I am really back and it’ll be so fun to be out there.

Did the DDP Yoga energy workout today for the first time and, let me tell you it is one hell of a workout for doing almost absolutely nothing.  No impossible positions, maybe hard for a few but almost anyone can get there within a few weeks.  No weights, no running in place, it really appears to be doing nothing but I was out of breath  and the heart rate did jump a few notches.  All this in just a 21 minute workout, there is no doubt that almost everyone can benefit with only a small investment of time several times a week. Of course if the goal is to lose weight one probably needs to cut out the half dozen Krispy Crème donuts every morning, the big slice of cheesecake, and the midnight snack of a pie slice.

I really wished I knew about DDP Yoga and used it before the accident, I’d probably be in much better shape now. Since I’ve nutin else to do, I’ll probably try use it every day and maybe even 2x a day. Let you know in a few weeks how I progress. Don’t mind wearing the hard ankle brace too much but I have been, for a few days at least, been doing w/o any ankle brace at all.  Seems I do walk a bit better than a few months ago.  About the only time, I now wear the hard ankle brace is if I am out outside or walking outside and that is more because of the legal issues.  If it were just me, I would definitely try a walk around the block with no brace.  Maybe in a couple months I can do w/o the hard brace and just use the flex brace and go from there.

Crap, I can go from being comfy to cold in a nano second, from ok to stuffy or too warm nearly as fast, and all over the place.  Crap, I go outside where it is not stuffy to me and I get cold and here is it nearly August and I get cold outside, what the heck is going on?

End of July, done for another month.

May/June 2012 Once the challenge/setbacks were over I felt I really progressed in June.

Chapter 5

May/June 2012

May 1 Tuesday  Today is another momentous anniversary  day, the day I came home from the rest home a year ago (May 2011) and saw that neighbors had put up a BIG “Welcome Home” sign, that was so sweet! I was in a wheelchair and would be for a few more weeks. I was so weak I could do virtually nothing; thank goodness, we had a live in nurse for 2 months but that was a year ago.

Well, shot another 2 hours or so reading blogs.  One about a 71 year young gentlemen riding his Elliptigo from SC to San Diego for his boot camp 50 years ago and for the Semper Fi  Project , what a inspiration.   I really would like to do something like that but first I don’t think I can go cross-country on a bike w/o going on roads, I need to stay on paved bike paths because I am still a wussy bout roads. Another blog is about a guy doing a thru hike on the Pacific Crest Trail from southern Ca to Canada, about 2650 miles!  If I could sleep in a bed every other night, I think I’d to try that too.

Damn, another cool, cloudy grey day.  Really wanted to walk a bit in the sun since I’ve not done much in the last several days but I did do some exercises this morning and should do more, like right now.

I really like calling friends but I am careful not overdo it, my phone lists all my calls/dates so I just make sure to check it.  About every 1 monthly should be fine.

May  1 Boy, did I ever do a good one.  I walked over to Ralphs for the first time to get some coffee and forgot my billfold.  Ended up doing a slow 1.2-mile walk. Bet I don’t forget my billfold again.

Thur  May 3  Today I went to Dr Yoo for another round of the laser/infrared treatment and my feet do feel better, they are still numb but do not hurt when I walk.  Also, Bianca at PT worked on my ankle and it feels better, the shoulder pain is just about gone.  Slight problem, hip now hurts when it was just stiff before but it’ll probably be better tomorrow.  Talked with my cuz Don for an hour and he suggested I try a hot bath with Epsom salts.  The Epsom salts are supposed to draw out toxins in the skin making you feel better.  This is my excuse go walk to Ralphs and I will not forget my billfold this time.

Friday, my feet definitely feel better, now just a little numb but no longer walking on crushed gravel and my ankle still hurts just a little.  The shoulder is better with just has a slight ache and my hip is much bette

Did a longish walk and actually feel pretty good other than just a wee bit tired.  Nancy will be late and so a hot bath will be a good way to kill another 30 minutes or so.  I did do a sloooowww jog/run back and forth in the house for just a few feet.  I CAN RUN!  sorta!  I do not dare to try this outside, sure as heck someone that should not see me will!

Ordered a new flexible ankle brace a few days ago and they came in today.  I want to use  them instead of compression socks that are the devil to get on and unless they are on just right the creases at the ankle causes a blood wound. I did use the new flex ankle today and could probably use that instead on the regular brace.  Lots and lots cheaper, 10 bucks vs. 300 or so for the carbon fiber brace. And I can wear regular shoes, but I’ll stick with the regular brace for now for just in case someone sees me

May 5 Sat    Saw friends/customers at the Fullerton College plant sale today and of course, Helen commented on how good I good.  Damn it, if only I felt as good as I look.  I am really out of it today, my good eye really seems like the focusing is on a delayed cycle and it is bugging the heck out of me.  My head is really off today and I really feel like I’ve been hit by a bus! I really don’t feel bad, just not all together. Maybe it is time for a nap.   Could not nap for whatever reason, crap, I want me back and just to be a little better.

Sunday May 6  Feel like shit warmed over – I really don’t feel terrible but my head is on really crooked today, tinnitus seems worse today, my eye hurts and is red, just don’t feel like doing anything, nothing at all. But on the good side, my ankle does seems a bit better and I am using the flex brace nearly 24 hours daily.  Sleepy as all get out but I think if I took a nap that would not bode well for me later on.  I did just a little pt exercises this morning but my heart was not really in it.

Monday   Damn, now I am battling an eye infection and pink eye in the left eye.  Now I really cannot see worth a damn and besides it hurts .  And that goes along with everything else that hurts or is poorly functional.  Cripes, I do not need this.  Please, just one thing, or two, at a time.  Oh well, with the eye drops, ointment, allergy pills, and nose spray at least this should be under control within a few short days.

Feel better, kinda!, today but dang it, the ointment for the eye is like putting a glob of Vaseline on the eyeball.  Takes a lonnnnggg time to see decently.  Even though I do feel a little better, it is not anywhere like I was a couple of weeks ago.   What great day to be out, warm and sunny and cruddy do I just do not really feel like doing much.  Later today:  I am so tired of taking 2 steps forward and 4 back.  Seems like it is every few weeks that happens:  leg clots, hernia, hematoma and mrsa infection and now pink eye and eye infection.  Damn it, all I want to is get better, and stay that way.  I don/t need any more challenges.

Crap, eye is really worser today and I can just barely see with my left eyelid swollen.  At least it does not throb and hurts only just a little.  Really do not feel terribly bad, just do not want to do anything: no walking, no scrabble, no nothing. Hell, I suppose it could be worse and for that I am grateful.  But still, all I want is just to heal and be done with all this crap.  I’ll give Dr. Quon a call about my eye shortly and go from there.

Me thinks I am doing a lot of bitching this week, it is true I am bitching lots this week cause I don’t know what else to do to make myself better. I did go for ultrasound today for my legs to see if there are any remaining blood clots, it’ll b e next week before I know for sure.  Jeesh, I do hope everything is clear so I can cross off one item on my long list.

Thur May 10  Deposition Day  Today was my final deposition and Ron, our attorney, said I did well, this is one day I really needed to say “Yes, Sir” “No Sir”, ”I do not remember” and I did not volunteer any information not asked for.  Nancy is supposed to do her deposition, which we did not know about!, in the next couple of weeks or so and then maybe we can get down to brass tacks and start playing hardball.  I wanna just get this over with so I can really try in earnest to getting me back.  I am doing all I can but it has been just a little under the radar.  I wanna go do some 5k walks and wear my special T-shirt, ”I really was hit by a bus, What is your excuse!”  I think that will garner a lot of attention and comments!

Eye feels better but still see like crap most of the time.  Sometimes it is good and others, everything is out of focus. Really tired now and I guess the toll of the eye infection and giving the deposition for 5 hours today or so must have taken all of my go juice. To sum up, I am tired of not being me, head not on straight, tired of infection this or infection that, tired of the tinnitus, tired of this hurts or that hurts or simply just can’t do whatever.  But, I do realize I am a long way from where I was and still have a ways to go in front of me.  At least I am surviving, maybe not thriving right at the moment but still going forward.

I’ve found that I really like lying in bed for a while in the mornings.  About the only thing that bothers me might be the tinnitus and other than that, I can really dream that I am mostly healed and doing real stuff until I am fully awake.   I might daydream a little about doing some races, with my special t-shirt, and enjoying the attention of everyone.  But… today my eye is really crappy.  I found another doctor for stem cell therapy and he seems to be real, and he is fairly close by.  That’s another seminar I’ve scheduled in about 2 weeks.  I am not grasping at straws, yet!  I am most certainly searching for ways to try to get myself better.

Nancy suggested it might be worthwhile to see a psychologist, in part because it might help our case and it really is probably a good idea just because.  Every roadblock/challenge that pops up does seem to be taking a toll on me mentally and physically.  I am so damned tired of those challenges, I just wanna heal!

As I think about her psychologist suggestion, I’ve decided it really would be good for me.  Battling the eye infection, pink eye, and tinnitus really has soured my disposition.  Don’t think I’ll go out today with Nancy and the girls for her Mother’s Day outing.  Just don’t feel up it with my crappy vision and the tinnitus being really loud today. Everything sucks and don’t really want to battle any crowds at all.  I did go with to eat after all, really was not up to it but went anyway to make Nancy happy and getting out did help. 

Tues May 15  Eye is finally getting better,  not cured but a hell of lot better than Sunday.  And I feel better so I might try a little walk this afternoon when it is not so glary.   Haleys bedroom carpet shampooed so it should be nice and clean.

Damn, really fallen off my goal of at least ½ mile per day higher walking or treadmill. I think there’s good reasons:  the weather was kinda cool, windy and rainy, not the weather I really want to be out in.  Second, the eye infection has really done a job on me. Today I wanted to get back on track but felt really tired this afternoon and just not in the mood for anything.  In addition, CVS pharmacy is a joke and totally incompetent.  I’ll not go there anymore but Nancy likes because it is convenient.  Even when the eye doctor faxed a refill in they would not refill because it was too soon.  Thankfully, Nancy found the eye drops.  It seems I must have knocked it off the bathroom counter and a certain dog picked it up and took it, not to her usual spot for contraband but somewhere else pretty close by and I missed it.

Look, I don’t want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you’re alive you’ve got to flap your arms and legs, you’ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you’re not alive.” Mel Brooks  That is a very good summation of life but right now I really don’t feel like flapping my arms or doing much of anything. I will be so glad to just be a little more alive if I can get rid of this damn eye infection.  

Damn, if I did not have glaucoma issues Dr Quon would have given me steroid drops and that would have cleared the inflammation almost immediately.  But… as always with me there is a Catch 22.  If I take steroid drops the eye pressure zooms, more problems will happen, and that is not good.  Damn, why can’t anything be simple with me?  I’ve said it before a number of times,  I just wanna heal, or least get something that works, somewhat, and get back to walking and having a bit of life.  In no particular order:  feet are numb, eyes are crappy, tinnitus is sometimes really loud, ankle hurts, shoulder hurts at times, and surprisingly, the hip is the least of my concerns.
My mind thinks a lot like a 25 year old but the body behaves like it is 90, posted on FB today.  Yeah, I’ll admit to looking at the cute girls but really rather be out running on the trails with them.  How do you know when you are really into trail running?  When you are just about ready to go and a young lady is changing her bra into a running bra and you just look at your watch and tell your running buddy, “we gotta get going!” 

“It’s impossible” said pride. “It’s risky” said experience. “It’s pointless” said reason. “Give it a try” whispered the heart, another good saying from FB.  Don’t think I’ve said this before:  “Even if we get a good settlement, I would give it all back, and then some, to have 1 ½ or 2 seconds more to get out of the way of that damn bus and at least not have all the traumatic injuries”.

Even with a good settlement I have no wants to go on a round the world cruise, get a new house or a major rebuild on our current house.  All we’ll do is some stuff we’ve talked about before like refinishing the wood floors, refinishing the cabinets, repainting and all that is stuff I would have done anyways.  I did refinish a floor in of the boy’s old rooms before the accident and now looks great.  It was work and now really cannot do anything like that.  Well, I might be able to but it would take me weeks/months to do one room whereas the one room took about 4 days total. 

There are a couple of inexpensive things I would like to have for my own use: another Garmin 310 since the one I had apparently grew legs.  The other is a Canon point and shoot camera.  All of mine have died and just would like a real camera rather than an I phone for photos.  Just found out there are used cameras I like on Ebay for next to nothing.

 I have no interest in being a fashion statement, just would like one decent general-purpose suit, 3 or 4 pairs of Dockers, and several nice shirts.  Absolutely not: expensive shoes, $2000 suits, $200 shirts, etc. it is not me. The $200 meals are not me, I really enjoy beans and cornbread, a bottle of beer or a glass of modestly priced wine.

One thing I am definitely interested is me getting better whether there is some kind of vitamins, micro electric current, stem cells, acupuncture, or whatever that will help. One thing I am sure will help is an infrared sauna and I already know which one I will order. I will do my due diligence on the other things and go from there.  Eyes, feet, numb fingers, everything!   Course I will not spend $50,000 for something. But… maybe it may not be too far out!

Finally felt good enough to take a long walk around the block for maybe 1.3 miles in about 52 min, which is not too bad considering I’ve not really walked since May 4th!  But that was all I really wanted today. Even though the feet are still numb; the hurt seems to have subsided a bit.  Another catch 22:  If I don’t walk cause the feet all the comeback fitness will quickly leave me so I just put up with a little discomfort for now.

Such a nice day I did another 1/4 mile Heidi and gosh, I am tired.  That time off from walking really caused me to lose a lot of stamina, dang it!

Friday evening Fricking eye is still crappy and bugging me to no end.  See almost as good w/o glassed as with the glasses.  Damn, why does everything have to be a catch 22?  All I want is for something to be well:  fingers, feet, eye, tinnitus, shoulder, anything!  I did call a local psychologist today to ask about his fees but he out of the office until June 12th.  Saw some others but this one seems to be more in line with me.

Sat:  Eye is still crappy damn, damn, damn!   I know it could be lots worse but…..  I am going out for a long walk as I can make it and don’t give a damn about how tired I might be afterwards.  I might try to walk to Garden of Weeden with Austin on the Fullerton Loop.  I’ll measure the distance when I get back.  Saw Terri today at Ralphs? and now going to a Snails party tonight, yea!  Was not going to ask anybody to take me cause I don’t want to be a bother.  It’ll be good to play catch up with everyone at the party.

I certainly did enjoy myself last night: had a bottle of beer, a half shot of good tequila, a sip of sangria, good food, and saw a few old friends.  We played lots of catch up.  Today, however, my eyesight still sucks:  cannot read a newspaper or the computer screen very easily with or without glasses or reading glasses and that sucks big time.  Tomorrow we’ll out find how I am really doing when I visit Dr. Quon and with my luck it’ll probably not be good.  Damn it!!!!!!   Later I go the eye seminar with Dr. Steinblock.  At any rate, it’ll be an interesting day.., 

Going to try another long walk, it is warm and sunny so maybe that will help my disposition. I did, I may it do again about 6 when it cools off some and I get my go juice back a little,  Whoo, Hoo, that’s 2 for right now and maybe another 2 this evening.  By far the most in one day.

Shit, I am really in a foul mood, cannot see worth a damn out my left eye, cannot read or really watch TV.  Tried calling a couple friends but nobody is around..  You ask how I type w/o seeing?  Well, I know the keyboard and my nose is about 8” away from the monitor.  Still have not figured out how to make Vista internet type bigger.

Monday May 21  Left eye is a tiny bit better, I can sometime read the small newspaper print, can read the monitor without too much trouble and I am going to the eye doc in about an  hour so we‘ll see what he says. Walked 2 miles, it was warm and sunny and worked up a real sweat,  Oh that felt good.  I even had to change clothes cause they were a bit wet and needed to be clean before the visit with Dr.Quon.

Now I have some kind of yellow particles in the eye that is not good and have no idea where they came from.  Now trying to get an emergency appt with Dr. Boyce, my regular Ophthalmologist.  I did go to Healing The Eye seminar with Dr Kondrot and I really want to go in Aug to their new facility in Tampa.  It’s half price ($3,100) and even at full price it would be a bargain if it even works some.  He seems to have a great program and has the credentials, ophthalmologist and board certified homeopathic doctor, to back it up.  The seminar was in the office of Dr Steenblock who does stem cell therapy.  I will do a bit further research to see if there is any help there.

Whoo Whoo!  Slept for 2 or 3 nights in a row without having to stumble around to go take a whizz.  I vividly remember the last few weeks in the hospital and with the live in nurse having to have 2 or 3 pee bottles handy every night.  Just could not get up and go walk by myself, sure glad that is past.

The ophthalmologist had good news today, the yellow particles were not seen but there is a viral infection so I’m taking more eye drops and go back in one week!    Eye is somewhat better today, I can see, most of the time, the I phone and read the paper.  That’s a far cry from just a couple of days ago when I could not read or watch TV.  Distance is still a bit blurry but we’ll wait and see what happens next.

Thur   May 24  Just finished a long walk and damn I phone stopwatch sucks.  Just a teeny, tiny wrong touch resets everything on the stopwatch.  Damn it!  Gonna load a new I phone app and see if that is any better.  Knocked out about 3.5 miles today and worked up another sweat, feels so good.  Actually running, if you can call 24-28 min per mile pace running.   Well. It feels like running to me and that is all that counts.  I am so ready to do a 5 or 10k run  and I also want to go to the Healing the Eye in FL for their 3 day treatment program.   I’ll ask Dr. Liu next week what he thinks of the program.  If I can get my vision back (pre-accident days) I will be ecstatic, then there is no doubt I’ll be able to again drive.

Oh, I almost forgot the big news:  I am no longer on blood thinners.  That means real food like spinach, broccoli, carrots, etc.  Yeah!!!! And oh yeah, more beer! And wine too!  That is really a big deal and there is more one medicine I really want to drop, the cholesterol reducing stuff. Maybe the next time I see Dr. Asher I’ll ask about it.  All the other pills are mostly vitamins and one for tinnitus so those are not a real concern.

The day is cruddy, cool, grey and windy.  I really wanted to go for a long walk but the weather is doing me in.  Maybe in a year I’ll be a better able to handle days like this.  As I contemplate the coming months about all I want to get physically better.  I already know that walking is in the bag and maybe a bit of running is not too farfetched to least at dream a little about it.   This is pure speculation but I think it would be cool if Trail Runner magazine did a little article about my comeback from just an average trail runner, losing nearly 2 years in a horrific accident, and then getting back on the trails.  I fully accept I will never be competitive except maybe in the really, really old farts group. There I might have a chance since there are not that many of us really old farts out there. I already know Greg Hardesty will do a great write up for the OC Register when all legal issues are settled.  In the past I might have not wanted any attention but now, it’s nice to be seen.

Skip and I went to the Fullerton Farmers Market last night and got to see a couple of folks I had not seen in a while.  Even had a beer and it hit the spot.  A little cooler than I wanted but a long shirt and pants did me fine but I really would like to have a Brazilin Butt so I can set for a while on a hard seat.

Flashback:  Trying to remember all the visitors that came by to see me.  Nancy did have a visitors log so everyone could sign it.  Sure glad they did cause I only remember bits and pieces.  Not sure if I mentioned this before but my cousins, Don and Morton, from the Dallas, TX area came out for a few days.  They stayed at our house and then visited me at the rest home several times.  Don’t have a real clear memory of all the visitors but do remember Leo, Don Gertz, Jean Ho, Doug and Terri, Mike and Tammy and others I just cannot remember.

Sunday May 27  Nancy, her sister Pat, and Micki returned from Hawaii Friday and they had a great time.  Nancy said she was worried about my eye but it slowly seems to be getting better.  Pat has left to go back home in Globe, AZ, I always enjoy having her around and she’ll be back in a couple of weeks for Austin’s graduation.

Mick and I went to the Nanny Goat 12/24 hour run in Riverside Sat night.  I did not even enter even though I had plans months ago to at least walk for 12 hours.  The hernia greatly interfered and more importantly, I don’t want to be superman just yet, the legal issues are still there. So maybe this fall I can enter lots of races/walks and really later earn a medal for the Nanny Goat in 2013.  I did walk a 1-mile loop with Micki and got a really cool medal from Steve Harvey, the RD, There are so many great people in the Trail Headz club.

When I go back to the ophthalmologist Wed.  I’ll be sure to ask about the Healing the Eye Program.  Probably will go unless he flatly tells me it is a total waste and even then I’ll look carefully into it.

Nancy and Pat probably would like me to do very little walking outside till everything is settled.  It’s tough for me not doing anything so walking is about the extent of something I enjoy and do semi semi well especially when the weather in nice, like today. I rather not have the cane at all but I do use it every time I walk outside for just in case.  Do I need to walk hills?  I really want to get me better and hills are a significant part of the program.  But what if someone from the other side saw me walking the hills or a video surfaced? Guess I’d better ask Ron, but damn it, I need/want to walk so I guess better to be safe than sorry.

I think I have an idea why I continue to write several times weekly:  It gives me something to do since I have lots and lots of time, can’t really do much else and I guess, a way to monitor my process, my starts and stops, up/downs, mood of the day/week, dreams and aspirations. I read earlier entries and think of something else that may/may not be worthwhile to note and as it is pondered, I may/may not add something else to the journal.

Just thinking a bit about my health right at the moment:  tinnitus comes and goes, sometimes it is barely there and other times it is very distracting.  My feet do not seem to hurt as much when I walk but the numbness is still there, my eye is very slowly getting better and balance seems to be better also.  Hip is tolerable meaning it does not really hurt too much but I do have quite limited range of motion.  Shoulder still bothers me some but I survive all the aches.  Head seems to be on little better at times, perhaps something to do with vision improving? Still need a Brazilian Butt so sitting is easier.

May 29  Tuesday   Damn, I am so ready for everything to be settled so I can really do something.  I’m pretty sure that if Ron and Nancy had their way with me I would only walk in front of the house where it is flat and do like  a robot, back and forth, back and forth dozens of times. Hell, if it was not for the legal issues I’ really be pushing myself like walking up to Laguna Lake and back, 6 miles round trip, and doing a little sorta run for a bit of the way. I really want to do that twice daily for a while and really start working on my endurance. After that, I have no idea, but somewhere/something. 

I am doing at least a little something:  planted a small garden and now have 10 or so tomato, eggplants, kale, green peppers and the like.  That should be enough to keep me occupied for a bit every day or so.  Oh, almost forgot Nancy got some foot lotion that is supposed to warm the feet.  It does but I can just barely feel it but it does feel good.  Also, got some very good mango pineapple preserves that is yummy, yummy! And a cool long sleeve T-shirt from Hawaii.  Working just a tiny bit on the koi pond and really would like to do some major revamping like adding a several larger rocks, new lights, and maybe an electronic gizmo to keep the algae completely at bay.

Since I ‘m kinda prohibited from walking much I think the patio needs a good power washing and the truck needs a bath.  That’ll be my chores for tomorrow.  Looks like I still have to go to another doctor, he is an expert witness for the other side.  Should I give him my health issues list I made several months ago? Perhaps I should talk with Ron about this and the appt is on a Wed so Nick can take me, or Nancy if she gets off work.  I am so looking forward to this, confrontation, not the right word.  What is the right word? engagement?Image

 Steve Harvey Nanny Goat May 2012

Steve Harvey, Nanny Goat 12/24 hour RD, summed my life up very nicely, “Getting hit by a bus may have wracked Leon’s body but it didn’t dampen his enthusiasm for our sport…”       I like it, making my day!   FB is great!

Well, since no serious walking is in sight for me for a while I jumped on the treadmill for a fast ¼ mil, 5 minute and that is excellent.  When 20 or 30 minutes is doable at 3.5 mph (18.20? min mile) I’ll really be happy.  Vividly remember when ¼ mile at 1 mph was hard , that was before I found out how to go in increments of .1 mph. 

June 1  Friday   Did it again today, another fast 5 minutes on the treadmill. Really going too fast but it is hard to be a slow poke when I really want to do something, anything.  There was a great article in the OC Register about the Santa Ana River Trail.  It now goes all the way to Riverside and San Bernardino counties for a total of 43 miles from the Pacific Ocean to the current end.  And, hopefully, one day it will extend all the way the Big Bear Lake for a total of 110 miles.  Wow, a century ride without ever getting on a road.   Boy, when I get my Elliptigo late summer/early fall I will be out there racking up the miles.

I have noticed I am going to bed later and later.  It used to be I was really ready for bed before 9 pm and now it 10:30 or 11 before I hit the sack, and going to sleep easier.  I sometimes still wake up at 2 or 3 am but if I go play on the puter for about 15 minutes it is pretty easy to get back to sleep.  I tend to wakeup earlier and earlier, maybe around 8 most of the time or a little bit later.

I believe my eye is finally healed but Dr. Lui wants to finish all the eye drops and I should be fine.  Still want to go to the Healing The Eye program sometime in Sept, or whenever there is an opening.  Dr. Lui said he was not convinced but it might be worth a shot and so I really want/ need to go.  If it helps just a little, it will be worth it.

Along those lines, I talked with Dr. Quon today.  He said it was an interesting program and he too was a little concerned about the lack of solid clinical studies.  He is quite interested and if I went, he wanted to know how I did. Now I really want to get in, maybe sometime around Sept. and that will be a great excuse to see Tom and Marilyn in Ocala.  Now I really need the settlement to kick in.

My left foot seems to be not be not so numb, actually feels half way good. My right foot may have a bit more motion up and down with my toes, really need to move it lots so it will get better.  I really want to kick the quad cane; I am tired of being perceived as old and decrepit.  I don’t mind being older, it’s life but I sure don’t want to be decrepit.  I’ve the wants, the will, and enthusiasm to go out and kick some butt, even though it may be like sending a one legged man to a ass kicking contest.

I am spending a fair amount of time looking at trails on the internet with most of them being pretty close.  Once I’m ready, I’m thinking that I’ll get Austin to drive me to where I can really walk some trails and hills.  Chino State park would be a good one and there are lots others.  It may be warm when I can get out there but I don’t give a rats hairy arse!

Having a glass of wine, got the last of a bottle that was already opened and may have to open another bottle.  Probably should’nt but who cares? I don’t.

Jumped on the treadmill for a while today and it was good; did ¼ mile at 3.3 mph.  I remember back in Feb when 1.4 mph for 5 min was all I wanted.  I really need to keep this up and do this two or three times a day just to build up my speed and endurance, especially since I cannot really do much outside.

June 5  Tuesday Went to Dr Asher today primarily to see what meds I still have to take.  A couple I can stop for a while if I want and see how it is in 3 months but still on some meds for the time being.   So glad all the meds are done with except for the vitamins and stuff. 

My elliptical workouts are getting lots better.  Two months ago, I could do about 2 or 3 minutes and that was all I wanted.  Now I am up to 10 minutes and ¾ mile at lots faster pace.  Maybe in a few months the Elliptigo will be feasible. Saw a great video on You Tube (FB) about a soldier (Arthur) that made too many parachute jumps and ended up using arm crutches for 15 years.  Lost 140 pounds, is now running, and looks fantastic, I want to order the CD set when we have a bit of money, actually, pretty inexpensive.

Another good elliptical workout today, 10 min and .77 miles.   Did another ½ mile on the treadmill this evening and another good workout.  Gotta really push myself on these so I can get better.  Really rather be out doing real walks and going to Snails/Headz meetings once in a while, but, oh well. Been looking at the YouTube video  about Arthur Boorman and his amazing transformation using yoga.  Still on my bucket list to do/get.

Crap, another ache/hurt this morning.  Toes on my left foot do not like it when I walk.  If I walk w/o flexing the toes it is not too bad but really gets my attention when I try to walk normal and flex the toes. No, I have not been kickin’ arse. Never had this problem before, we’ll see if it goes away with a bit of use.  Later in the day: the left toes do feel better but it was a strange feeling. They still feel a little strange but lots better, hope it was a onetime deal.

Just doing a bit of reflection upon life:  Be sure to take great pleasure in doing the simple things: dressing yourself, tying your own shoes, the simple act of walking, going shopping, just lookin around, or to put it simply, enjoy life, family and friends to the fullest.  One never knows when everything might change in a heartbeat.  Go enjoy life and take advantage of all the good things!

I’ve mentioned before I can’t do very much in the way of walking (legal issues) but it is hell of a lot more than most fat asses watching sports all week/weekend and killing a case of beer. Did lots of PT exercises today including semi pushups.  I still can’t do real pushups because of toes/ankle so I use my knees.  It ain’t purty but it is a good workout. If I don’t kiss the floor every time I can do 10 pushups and my arms do feel it.  Just trying to do everything I can think of to get better and stronger.  Jumped on the treadmill twice today, ¾-mile and a fast /14 mile.  It’s hard for me not to try to do faster every time, really need to work on a decently fast pace and work on my endurance.  Just need not to go faster every time, just longer.

June 9  Sat   Damn, damn, damn:  left toes still hurt like hell when walking.  I do not need any more hurts, I’ve enough to deal with without adding more.  It’s nearly noon and a couple of Tylenol seems to have helped the toes.  I even walked outside to the koi pond barefoot.  Probably the first time in over 11/2 years I’ve been barefoot outside.  Hurts a little but entirely tolerable.  Now, now if I could get better vision and get rid of the tinnitus I would be really happier.  As times slips by I might be lowering my wants, I think if better vision came my way a lot of my wants/needs would be within my grasp.

Sunday  June 10 Left foot/toes is definitely better but sciatic nerve seems to be worse.  Tolerable so don’t need Tylenol or Vocidyne and that is good.  Kinda in a funky mood right now, really don’t want to do much of anything but if I could escape for a couple of hours and do a long walk I would, but I can’t.  Guess that qualifies as a bit of conundrum.  I did jump on the treadmill for a lap so kinda a fair workout.

I really can’t focus on anything, except walking, for more than a few minutes.  Always switching TV channels, reading a few pages on the Kindle, or just generally moping around trying to figure out what to do next.  This sucks big time.

Killed some more time this evening by reading several running blogs.  Golly, do I ever want to get back out there and be with friends. If I ever drive again I’ll be gone lots and lots.  There a lot of catching up I intend to do.  Mostly running but I’m sure there be lots of other things that will need tending to, like going to REI, The Snail’s Pace, meeting with Headz and Snails or ?

Wed. June 13 Actually did a small bit of real work today, cleaned off the driveway.  That is, until the blower ran out of gas and would not restart.  Crap!  Very nearly finished it too.  Maybe on Tuesday I’ll have better luck.  Oh, foot was better today but tinnitus sucks big time.

Oh boy, think I’m really in a piss poor mood right now.  Just wanna do something besides mope around the house all day.   Yeah, I can do a little bit of something but what would help best is just getting out of prison and really work on getting me back. At least my visit with the defense doctor is only 3 weeks away.  Don’t know who will take me yet but really would like Nancy to take me.  She’s good at talking with/to doctors and I think it would help my case if she were there.

Nancy had some good news tonight.  Ron said the traffic engineer said the yellow light was only 3 seconds and should be at least 5 seconds.  Like I mentioned before another 1½ or 2 seconds probably would have made a big difference.  I still might have been hit but probably on the rear of the bike and I might have had some serious injuries but nothing like a full broadside.

Tuesday is my last visit with Bianca Uy, a physical therapist, I will miss her cause she is very professional, and cute.  She’s off doing some work on her degree and I wish her the best. Have no idea who will take her place, probably some other student but I don’t mind since they’ve all been thoroughly trained and probably good to have another person work on me.

Just trying to remember if I made any comments about the bus driver.  I know he did not hit me intentionally but he did make a mistake, a big mistake.  He’ll probably have nightmares for a long time and what can I say? “Get over it!?”   I don’t think that will cut it. At some point he does need to get on with his life and I do hope everything works out well.  And for me too.

Well, Bianca is gone and have no clue when I might see her again.  She did a great job working on most of my hurts and stiffies.  I know she likes to hike so I might see her out somewhere someday.  Speaking of hurts, my left toes are really funky and hurt when flexed.    Probably all I can do is to flex them as much as possible with heel lifts, walking etc. and see if anything works.

Tinnitus is really loud tonight, toes are funky and hurt.  I think I know how to describe better, toes are numb to all heck! Hip bothers me a little but not too terribly bad and head is only sorta on.  Damn, wish I could say ”This is healed, that no longer hurts”, but not yet.  Maybe in a few months something will get better.

Ditto for tonight too.  Can’t say really much else right now except that Austin, my youngest grandson, will graduate tomorrow, June 14.  He’s like a typical teenager, good years and could have had better years but now he is through.  Whee!  We’ll do dinner tomorrow night and celebrate.

Trying to get in a better frame of mind.  My cognitive, physical and emotional challenges forced me―sometimes kicking and screaming (only somewhat screaming in my mind)―to reframe my life, and get back to the real me. I don’t think I actually kicked and screamed but perhaps I was in the mood to do so a time or two, or three.  But overall I have, I think, done better than many folks might have in the same circumstances.

Posted on FB our 43rd  anniversary and got 39 “likes” and 18 positive comments.  Whoo Hooo! Once I can post on FB about doing trails, races, etc I have no doubt there will be many “likes” and good comments. Can hardly wait.

Posted these on FB the other day: “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West    “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde   “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed     Lots of the old screw you sayings are great, get right to the point without being vulgar or mean.

June 15 Friday Pat, Nancy’s sister, talked about using “The Secret” and the Law of Attraction and it helped in a surprising way.  Found the cd, used, for very cheap and will probably order today.  It never hurts to have a good outlook on life regardless of your circumstances.   I do, and have been for a long-time, visualized myself out on the trails and actually running, working up a good sweat, and having fun with my friends.  I wonder if that works along with, or in conjunction, with The Laws of Attraction?  I hope it does.  I did order a used copy from EBay for next to nothing and will try it out and see what happens. Should be here in about 10 days and really want to get it started.

There is no need for me to worry about athletics foot.  I was bothered with it for some time in spite of changing socks 2 or 3 times daily, changing shoes, using medicine etc.  It would go away for a while and reappear and drove me, at times, slightly nuts.  For the last nearly 1 ½ years, no problem.  All I can say the accident, and aftermath, is one hell’vu way to get rid of it.

Regarding the traffic engineers report:  It all seems to be very much in my favor but one thing that is surprising is that there were about 40+ people who showed up at the accident: 21 police officers, 15 firefighters and 3 fire engines,6 others for something, a helicopter and paramedics and several others.  Hell, they were their own traffic jam and all for a minibus and bike accident. One thing that did catch my eye, and thank goodness, not true, was the original statement said 1 fatality.  One thing that might be of importance is that one of the passengers seems to believe I was pedaling hard as if I was trying to beat the light.  I really don’t know about trying to beat the light but I think I always pedaled hard to cross any street.

Golly, I seem to tire out all too easily.  10 or 15 minutes is about all I want for a while.  That means for me to weed my small garden it’ll take me two trips and 30 minutes.  Used to do stuff like that in 10 minutes with no problem.  But…. It’s a hell of lot more now than just a few months ago and it’ll get better.

“You have to wonder at times what you’re doing out there. Over the years, I’ve given myself a thousand reasons to keep running, but it always comes back to where it started. It comes down to self-satisfaction and a sense of achievement.”- Steve Prefontaine.   It really does boil down to self –satisfaction and sense of achievement.  Going out for a long great trail run does give one self-satisfaction and achievement and you just feel good and/or a good tired.

June 18  Fathers Day   It was a good day, especially I became owner of a new BBQ grill and it got used to make tri-tip, sausage, chicken, and beans.  It was all good. All in all, a good day in lots of ways.  Great wife, daughters, and grandsons and I actually felt pretty good most of the day.  Tinnitus was mostly at bay, head seemed to be on fairly good, nothing really hurt, just the usual aches and pains but ankle does seem to be achy but not too bad.

Doing part of my due diligence in researching  Dr, Steenblock and his stem cell treatments.  He was censured by a medical board but after reading his David and Goliath piece on alternative medicines it seems he was NOT really given a fair chance by Quackbusters.  We read all the time about some prisoner being freed after a long prison term because the prosecutor did a piss poor job, deliberately withheld evidence, or witness lied. Why should medical boards be any different? http://biotheorist.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/goliath-v-david.pdf

Talked with one of my old Celanese coworkers today, it has been probably almost 19 or so years since we talked.  He is still doing the same thing as we were years ago when I was laid off during the layoff craze of the mid 80’s and still feel I was screwed, but not gonna tell him that, though.  He may come out in a few months to see his sister in Newport Beach and we’ll have a cold beer then.  It’ll be fun to catch up and visit.

Started walking around the block again.  Pace is not too bad, considering I’ve not walked hard for several weeks.  Be so glad when I can start venturing out again and really working on getting me back.  Meanwhile, there’s lots of PT exercises and yard work to do so I better get cracking.

Wed. June 20  Wow, I seem  to be in a lots better mood today, I was not really in a bad mood, just kinda funky.  Did some pt exercises, went around the block for a 1-mile walk in 28 min. and got a haircut.  Also cleaned the oven and my new BBQ grill, been busy today and it just feels lots better.  I have no confirmation yet but I think my positive visualization (The Secret) about everything does have some benefit besides making me feel a little better.

Seems the better mood is carrying over today even though I got up later,9.30 am, then I really wanted to.  Did several of my pt exercises (10 real pushup – on knees) and got busy again just doing stuff.  And thinking lots of positive thoughts!  I did, Whoo Hoo, a mile in 26:15 so the times are getting better and sweated just a little and that feels good.

I’m so easy to make lunch for myself:  Been making smoothies with bananas, applesauce, strawberries, maybe a touch of agave syrup, maybe peanut butter, and…? Of course, I forgot to mention ground flaxseed to help my cholesterol. It’s easy, cheep, good, and good for me.  What else can I ask for?  Really been watching what I eat: quantity, very little fats, cheese or dairy, little refined sugars, lots of almond milk along with ground flax seed.  Walking helps burn a few calories but I can’t wait till I can go out for a several hour walk.

Along that same line, I’ve been making my own energy bars just using dates, dried figs, dried prunes, dried fruit, coconut flakes, and ground nuts.  They are so good I make a small batch every few days and use them as snacks throughout the day.  And I do feel kinda guilty because it is like sneaking a bit of chocolate in now and again.

Double Whoo Hoo!  A mile in 25:47.   My speed is way faster, I can lap the block in 6:13 and it used be 14-15 min per lap, so I’m a bit more than twice as fast  J  I did pt tonight and Jamie, the new therapist, has me doing some more exercises for my ankle and hip.  Probably try to double/triple on them.

Friday June 21  Skip and Mike Miller invited me for lunch today, yeah!  It is nice to be remembered.  I’m pretty sure if I did not show up at the Snails or Headz meetings once in awhile, post on FB, and do emails I’d probably fade off in the sunset.  I wanna be here, I wanna be now and that partly the reason I try to stay active. Beside it does help, I think with my well being and keeping on a even keel. 

Did another walk today at a warm 3 pm, 1 ¼ miles at a decent pace and got to sweat some more, whoopee! When Nancy and Pat suggested I no longer walk far from the house, I was disappointed but I understood why.  I resigned myself to just doing the block and at first really did not want to do that, it was beneath me and no challenge doing it.  Well, I’ve sorta changed my tune; I’ve made it a challenge to walk faster and do repeats maybe even twice a day.  I can get my heart rate up a little and get a little short of breath, that all is good.   It helps the block is almost exactly ¼ mile so it is easy to track my minutes per mile pace and each lap.  But, I still want my Garmin back so I can check my heart rate easily.

For the last few days I really feel like starting to take Mel Brooks quote to heart about flapping your arms and legs and jumping around a lot and being alive instead of dead.  Feels so good to be in a better mood.

In my view ethos is about overcoming previously perceived limitations. Keep trying new things and scaring yourself, and then learn to get over it and doing it some more or differently.  That’s what I like about trail running, trying new trails, some easy, some hard, and some knock down stunningly beautiful.

Did another 3 laps around the block plus down Hillcrest Lane that adds another ¼ mile so that’s 2 1/4 miles today.  Endorphins must be kicking in J  Talked with Erin, neighbor around the corner, for a few minutes this afternoon and she did have fun on the Mud Run and wants to do it again next year.  It’s a year away and I would love to be able to run it again next year.  I’ll know for sure by the end of Dec if feasible.  I have to know by then because sign up is on New Year’s Day and it sells out in just a few hours, all 12,000 or 18,000 tickets.  I just looked at the results for this year, there are now 5 days and they are starting in waves.  If I were still running I’d place in my age group most days based on my past performance.  Don’t know if I’d ever get to back to any semblance of long ago but I am sure as hell gonna try, and try, and try.

Another reason I want to get back to me is so I can take the dogs out for walks.  Bella, she would probably do mostly neighborhoods or the Fullerton Loop.  Heidi, as slow as I am, can do long walks with me with no problem.  When I drive again I’ll probably take her all over the place but if we do that very much she’ll need to get her rattlesnake shots again and go rattlesnake training next year.

One thing I have learned during the last 1 ½ years is that visits can really be important.  When I find out a friend is in an accident or hurts I will definitely make it point to visit even if I have use Austin or Nick.  So glad Nancy had a visitors log so everyone could write something when they visited, especially since I was in a coma for 2 months and after that, in a fog for a while.

I did two walks today, 1 ½ miles and later, a 1 mile stroll.  Not my fastest time but hell, I don’t expect to have a record every time I go out.  But…my average pace seems to be improving.  One of my favorite races, I think 90% are my favorite races, was today The Billy Goat ½ marathon, “Ain’t But One Hill”.  I might have placed and gotten another cool medal.  It is definitely on my list for 2013.

Another walk accomplished today.  2 ½ miles in 1:06 and about 2 pm when it was nice and sunny and fairly warm, worked up a real honest to goodness sweat that really felt good.  My average lap speed is getting a bit better.  Back in Oct it was 14-15 min per lap and now I can do 6:30 min laps if I push a little but a realistic average Is closer to 8 min lap..  When I can get down to 5 min laps, oh boy, I will be ecstatic.

One week to the meeting with the defense doctor, should be interesting. I’ve already typed a list for Dr Kriedi a weeks ago and so I just need to update it a bit first.  I should probably send it over to Ron to get his opinion on what should be emphasized and what is best left unsaid.  Oh boy, Ron told Nancy about the email and said that I’d probably say whatever I wanted to.  I’d like to but we do have a goal and so I’ll tell the defense doctor everything that hurts or what I can’t do and not about my 2 mile walks I was doing and certainly not about the accident of which I remember nothing even after almost 1 ½ years.

June 27 Wed.   I remember too well sleeping to 9:30 almost every morning, taking an afternoon nap and be ready for bed at 8:30 or 9. Hope those days are gone:  I can stay up til 10 pm, or  a bit later, and this morning I woke up, and got up, at 6:30 am.  Need to do some PT exercises and then take a 1 ½ mile walk before it gets too warm.

I did 1 1/4 miles this morning.  Later today: I feel like my ‘get up and go’ left for greener pastures, absolutely lifeless.  Not quite lifeless, but pretty darn close it.  And soooo damn sleeeeeepy! Yuck.   I still did most of my PT exercises and I am now at 10 pushups on knees and not toes.  Give me time and I might be able to do real honest pushups.  Maybe bed at 10:30 pm last night and getting up at 6:30 am has something to with my tiredness, ya think?

I do feel better today and thought of a couple things I might tackle like cleaning my closet and getting rid of some socks and stuff, working on the pressure washer, maybe a bit of weeding in the garden and of course, walking.

Just happened to think about something I read on my kindle.  What happens if you are wearing a spacesuit and you let a good fart loose from the Mexican dinner you had last night?  I sure don’t wanna find out.

A great walk late this morning, 2 ½ miles under 1:07:00. I pushed just a little bit and had one mile at just over 26 minutes.  Whoo Hoo!    I’d better take a shower before I go to PT today since I worked up a real sweat again, and feels good.  I probably ought to start my walks before 11 am before it gets too warm.  A walk and then feed my face?  And then FB? And finally, Emails.

I’m reading a Kindle book about a guy who has battled depression all his life with wild mood swings and being a total ass.  I think I at least somewhat understand his problem.   Circumstances have been most fortunate in that I have been able to keep a pretty even keel.  Yeah, I do get down a bit sometimes but we all probably feel a little “off” now and then.  I flatly refuse to do any drugs, medicine, or alcohol to get in a better mood.  I take that back, I might have one, one!, beer or a glass of wine, but no six-packs, or 2 bottles of wine.

These pages are not intended to be a self-help journal, they are for me, or a close friend, to try to remember the good times when friends visited, when I went out for a long walk, maybe did some mundane chore for the first time, or even the setbacks like the hernia, hernia operation and subsequent MRSA infection. Of course I want to remember reaching my goals, as small as they were, because they all add up to several big steps. Going from the wheelchair to the walker and finally walking, with a cane.  When the legal issues are behind me I will be in a big hurry to ditch the cane and really start doing a real power walk or slow, very slow jog.

I remember being in the rest home and just starting to use the walker and my imagination was going full force, I dreamt of doing trail races and being again somewhat competitive for an old fart and still passing a few younger folks and maybe again in a year or so that will be a reality.  At that time a 2’ step was like me trying do a 6 foot high jump, it wasn’t gonna happen so I just had to do a little attitude/goal adjustment.

I’ve ran across several recovery stories that’ve really given me encouragement that I can get better.  I’ve already mentioned Arthur and DDP Yoga, and there’s one about a drug addict that ended up doing Ironman races. A drug addict who recovers, does several Iromans, and helps others to recover is a absolutely wonderful.   I don’t know about me helping anybody but maybe in a few months my story can get out there and help others.  I think I can at least provide encouragement from another perspective.

Nancy and I drove to Running Springs up in the mountains to look at some bank property.  It’s on 78 acres with a number of pretty nice cabins. I think this was my longest ride since the accident and I did pretty well.  Looked on the Iphone and found us great place to eat, Deep Creek Cafe.  After we returned home I took a 11/4 mile walk.  I was beat when I first started but woke up nicely after a lap or 2.  Actually did 1 lap in just barely, 6 min which is my fastest time up for a lap.  Getting a little closer to my goal of 5 min lap.

On our trip today I noticed my right vision might, just might, be a teeny weensy bit better and the tilting might also be a gnats ass better.  There’ll be no complaints if I see more improvements in the next few weeks. Along with that my head seems to be on a little straighter.  I can look at different objects while riding and don’t feel as off like I once did.

I am keeping a spreadsheet for all my walks and since Feb I have walked over 90 miles! yep 90+ miles.  Everything from a ¼ mile to 3 ½ miles.  Can’t tell you how many dozens of times I’ve done laps around our block, a bucket full!

I sometimes walk around the house without the ankle brace or flexbrace and feel as though there is a twenty pound lead weight tied to my toes, just cannot bend my foot up at the ankle.  Ugh!]

Going to name my story “I Really Was Hit By a Bus!  What’s Your Excuse?”  Think that might garner some attention?  Hope to order the Tshirts soon and I’ll be starting a new chapter today since May and June is quite long enough.

Journal April 2012 Starting to dream about the road back!

Chapter IV
April/May 201

April 1  Sun    Reading an email received from an older runner friend, Doug Malewiki.  He has a road biker friend who was in a bike accident and has been in a coma for 3 years, I can’t even imagine how friends and family are dealing with that, gotta be really hard.  I guess in retrospect my 2 month coma was not really as bad as it could have been and for that I am very grateful.   One of the upsides I did not get to experience the hurts of the pelvis surgery, broken leg, and other scraps and scratches.   Today I walked 1 ½ miles in 46 min and then ¼  mile on treadmill in 5:21, about 20:05 min  per mile pace, the way fastest I’ve done.  But I am winded!

Tues April 3  Really tearing it up today,  walked 2 miles in 1:10. I think it was my fastest time yet and not really too tired. Hit the wrong button on my Iphone and lost all my times, damn!  Wish I could find my Garmin 310, just don’t know where it went.  Maybe this summer I can get another so I can check my heart rate. Image

Have no clue when, just sometime June? 2011 at a Snails run.  With my wild hair and still with my walker!

Heidi and I did another ½ mile and Bella and I did another ½ mile for a total of 3 miles for me today, and not wiped out!  Bella did pretty good considering that was it was my first walk with her since before the accident.   Maybe in a few weeks when she is more walkable I’ll take her out more.  

Hip is a bit tender today, most likely from the PT with Trevor yesterday, he really worked on the hip and the 3 miles today may have contributed a small bit to the soreness.  But it is a good ache and I earned it.

April 5,  Thur    Tinnitus is quieter today, hand feels better, head is on a bit straighter so it might be a good day.  Especially if I can get Austin to run me over to Fullerton Hearing to get a new aid for my right side.  Really don’t like wearing them but if I want to hear something it is a must.  Between not seeing as good as I used to, being a semi cripple, and not hearing well, well, it’s not really how I want to be.  But if I can participate in 5 and 10ks, easy trail/walks run I’ll be happier.  To be really happy I need to be the old runner me.  Since it’ll probably not happen I’ll have to never stop working to get better.  Sure gonna work hard at it.

 Took Bella for ½ mile walk, her first ½ miler and, hopefully, first of a lot of walks She really had fun and I set a new time record for me, 1:04.  Beat the old record of 1:10 and the other record of 1:22. Dropped about 18 minutes, wow, that is making progress.   I can actually look over my left should a wee bit while walking and not feel woozy.  Forget about the right side since I can not really look back.  But I can at least turn my head and kinda look over my right shoulder.  Really would like to brag on FB about my little triumphs like the walks but I really need to wait.

Did PT exercises tonight and they’re a bit easier.  Laying on my back, pulling my knees to my chest, sort of!, I find the right hip hurts a little but that is expected.  Not expected is the pain in my left thigh from the sciatica nerve and really cannot do much stretching at all, hoping that with time it’ll get better.  I have noticed the sciatica pains and leg spasms at night have diminished to nothing within the last several weeks.  I like that!

It’s Friday!  Yipee!   Really should be  but Bah humbug!  Really have no reason to celebrate Fridays anymore– can’t drive and have to depend on someone to get me everywhere, Bah Humbug!!  Guess I’ll do some pt exercises and maybe Sal can get me to pt later today.  Austin would miss out on going to the beach with friends so Sal is it, if he is available.

Kristy, the acupuncturist I saw earlier this week made me an interesting offer.  She knows about the accident and is willing to not bill until there is a settlement.  I really like her and her staff and she seems to really know her stuff, she did not make any promises but was guardedly optimistic.  Beats the heck out of Dr. Folmars office where the staff and office sucks and a 1 ½ to 2 hour wait EVERYTIME.  Told her I see one doctor tomorrow and I have my deposition the 18th and I’ll talk to our attorney at that time.

Today is Easter and probably a good time to review where I have been and where I’d like to go.  About 13 months ago I was just waking up from my 2 month coma.  It took many weeks and a lot of hard work before I could even use a walker, more weeks of work to use a cane and finally I can walk without a cane although I do use one for longer walks. A hernia and a MSRA infection really set me back about 4-5 months on my recovery and physical therapy.  I’m really pissed about that but what can you do?  Just move on!

 I have to admit things are much brighter now.  I am walking up to 3 miles once or twice a week, doing my PT exercises, and even thinking about this summer when, or when everything is settled, and I can really start pushing myself to get back to the real me.  Maybe we can order the sauna, the Ellipitgo bicycle, and I can jump on the treadmill or exercise bike and really start working on my speed.  Don’t have a recumbent exercise bike yet but we can get one whenever Nancy decides she’d like to have one.  Everything combined should really let me kick some proverbial arse.

 We had the family over today and we all enjoyed a great meal, thanks to Nancy and her hard work.  Nice seeing all the family again.  After every one left I cleaned the pond skimmer, pump and biofalls for the first time.  Really would like to rebuild the stream and add larger rocks to the pond this summer.  It’ll just look a lot nicer with some larger boulders and I’ll definitely need some help.  Last year I would done that all myself but now it is out of the question.

Late Easter evening:  I was trying to psych myself up for a 1 mile walk over to Hillcrest Park and as I was walking up the alley I decided I was too tired and not really in the mood.  Ended up doing a ½ mile which is my flex goal.  Even though I was tired the first lap was not too bad and the 2nd lap was better.  Tomorrow I might get ambitious.

 Oh, one of the things I did while a Snails President was to institute an awards program for runners for almost anything.  It be could a personal record (PR) in a race, first marathon, 10k or whatever, something that one would brag to your friends about it.  The Snails Pace now has done that two/three times since I left office.  I personally think it is a great idea, especially for beginner runners, it seems to be a great motivator.

Monday April 9:  Just returned from the pelvis doctor and…. not really good news, some of the pelvic area is becoming calcified and that MIGHT be a problem with mobility or pain.  The cure is worse than doing nothing as it might/will leave a big void where the calcium was. Damn, I just wish my body would just heal and be done with everything.  It seems to really like doing the calcium buildup thing, elbow, shoulder, pelvis, and ????    I just wanna get healed and with no complications. I am so tired of this crap.

Posted this on FB several days ago:   “Such a nice day, hate to waste it by doing nothing when I should be out for a long trail run. At times like this I like to reminisce about the companionship, the many races, trail races and runs, and beers, I’ve enjoyed these last few years. Like the Unknown 50K put on by Charlie Nickell , all of the Camp Bluejay races, the Camp Pendleton Mud Runs and many more. Maybe sometime I’ll be out there doing some of wee ones.” I really did not put out a timetable, just said “Maybe sometime “ So far there’s 13 likes and  several positive comments. That’s a good morale booster.
In lieu of ½ mile walk tonight I opted for a ¼ walk on the treadmill in 9:30 min and, and I did not use the handrails once.  I finished the last 3 min at a 2 mph pace and was tired and winded, balancing is hard work.
April 10, Tuesday Today was quite a day.  Walked 2 miles then took Bella out 1 mile and then Heidi another mile for a real total of 4 miles today.  I am tired but not wiped out so I suppose my endurance is better.  Still need to do some PT exercises later on and I bet there’ll be some good sleepin tonight.
Can’t wait till I can start entering 5 and 10ks and doing DFL lots.  Did Finish Last and  if you’ve a potty mind DFL can be another sayin. There’ll be no doubt there’ll be a cheering section just for me.  Probably need to start 30 min or an hour early since I am so slow.  Slow enough that I’ll have to speed up just to stop.
I did get a new hearing aid for the right side today and supposedly it might help with the tinnitus, we’ll see and I do hear better.  Probably should have done this months ago, oh well.
I am so tired of my feet being numb, it always feels like I am walking on rough crushed gravel, no fun. Hopefully, the acupuncture will alleviate the numbness somewhat.   Kristy might be able to help me with the challenges of just sitting on a hard chair.  I think I may getting to the point where any kind of promising treatment sounds good.   I’ve always been the skeptic for lots of things and I see no reason now to blindly rush into something.  The due diligence will continue to be done and I might be tempted to try something like stem cell therapy or whatever if the cost is not too bad.

 

April 11 Wed.  So glad I got my long walk in yesterday, today is cool and semi rainy.  Not sore at all from the long walk yesterday and that is good.  But, I really need to do lots of PT exercises in a few minutes.
Exactly one week till the deposition.   Really lookin forward to it so we can really start getting this all settled.  Not much for me to do to prepare since I really do not remember anything at all, nothing, nada, zip.  So if I am questioned about the accident all I can say is “I don’t remember.”  I will read over everything I’ve written for the last few months just to refresh my memory.  I’ll have to remember not to volunteer any information, just stick to the question even if is just a “Yes” or “No”
I have lots and lots of time, good thing I really can’t do anything otherwise I’d surely be in trouble up to my eyeballs.  I do, occasionally have one beer and I don’t do more than that because of meds. Each mile I walk, I think, burns approximately 100 calories. Each beer is about 150 calorie so I need to walk a 1½ miles to burn off one beer. My normal weight is of about 155-165 pounds and been that for years. I used to run about 20 miles a week and occasionally would hit 40/45 weekly. If I ran 85 miles monthly I’d burn off 8500 calories or 2.4 pounds each month and there’s about 3500 calories per pound. That could allow me to enjoy nearly 57 beers per month.  Of course, I really never had that many but it sure does sound good right about now.  Once I get off all my meds so my upcoming 8–10 miles weekly would allow me to enjoy a couple of beers guilt free. Probably a good thing I am on meds so there is a bona fide reason not to enjoy alcohol otherwise there might be times when I might over indulge! 
First time in weeks that leg spasms kept me up and for way too long.  Tried playing on the puter for an hour at 3am and that did not help.  Finally I got cold enough to snuggle up in the warm bed and drifted off.
 April 13  Friday   We have a big Jacuzzi tub upstairs and I finally took a decent hot bath for the first time this year, felt really good.  Since it is upstairs and I don’t really care to go up the circular stairs since it is harder than regular stairs.    Maybe in a few weeks I’ll move back upstairs but for now downstairs is suiting me just fine.
I really don’t feel bad, just don’t have the ol’ get up go I used to have, especially today since it is rainy, windy, and cool.  Occasionally on a nice day the bug will bite and I’ll venture out for a long walk.  I’m really starting to have lots of empathy for those unfortunate souls that do suffer from a debilitating disease or accident.  I am extremely fortunate in that at least I do have some mobility, can get around on my own two feet, kinda!, and I don’t really have a constant hellayius pain.  Oh, I do hurt, I am stiff and not very flexible, but some of it is sloowllyy getting better.  That is why I like going to therapy, it really helps and there is someone to talk with.
The do something bug gave a teeny bite today, shampooed the upstairs bedroom.  Not really much to clean but it did give me a good workout, need lots of good workouts.  Took me less than 15/20 minutes and I’m done for the day.
Today is really rainy and lots cooler and I seem to be…don’t know, more stiff than usual and more blah.  The grey, cold, and dreary day is probably not real conducive to a smiling me. I don’t like being blah, just not me.
My day did brighten considerably:  Micki, my oldest daughter, is letting me borrow $2,000 to help pay for the sauna.  I have some money socked away in a big piggy bank and with the $2,000 should have almost enough to pay for it completely.  I’ll call Wed to see if they have any demo units available at a better price.  I’ll wait till the deposition is over and really would like Mick to have the money for just in case for car repair or whatever.  Decisions, decisions!
Damn, I just wish something of me would heal completely.  Hand, leg, feet, shoulder, getting head screwed on straight, I don’t care what so long as it is something.  The tinnitus is really bad tonight and I really don’t feel with it at all, blah.  I don’t feel bad, just not even close to me. My ankle seems hurt more bothers me more tonight.  Sometimes, often? I even don’t like walking, feet just feel really funky. As soon as I talk with Ron I will go an appointment to see the acupuncturist, it may actually help something and surely will not make things worse. About the only thing better lately is that the hernia is healed and the MRSA is no more but all that was the result of the pelvic surgery and we know why that happened.
Really thinking it would be a good idea for Dr. Folmar to do a little surgery on the elbow just so I can have one part of me on the right side that works pretty good. Just looked at my appts and his is not till Aug.  I do remember being in the rest home and could not use my right arm at all so Micki shaved me several times.   Had to eat left handed and I would make sorta a mess almost every time, depending on the food.  With lots of time I have gotten so I can do almost everything with my right hand.  Shave, eat, put shirts/jackets on with no problem but it took months to get there.
Need to be getting ready for a native garden tour next week at one of my customers in Monrovia.  We put in a 40 ft long pondless steam and waterfall with a 1,500 gallon RainXchange system (a system that captures rainwater for landscape and other uses) and a killer landscape lighting.  It was a total makeover and we planted a big native oak that is awesome.  The whole yard is native and wow good.  We’ll have lots of fun and hope the weather is decent.  Really don’t need to do much especially since Cliff will do most of the work.  I’ll let him get any jobs we may get since I cannot do any kind of real work right now and he has bailed me more than a couple of times with my own customers.

 

April 15  Sunday  Spent all day Saturday over at Wynesta and Steves place for their Native Garden Tour.  Cliff and I talked with lots of people. Many had already been to other houses and most thought our landscaping was one of the best on the tour.  I put a lot of time into that project and in the last 1 ½ years it really has matured and now looks fabulous.  It’s always nice to see a landscaping project turn out really well.  But… since I have not been out in the sun much I ended having a really red face last night, not too bad today and just a bit tired.
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This is what I used to build: streams, waterfalls and ponds.  Fun and hard work and I do miss it.
Damn, Nancy was telling me last night how much we are paying in federal and state taxes. It is a  fricking’ lottttttt.  Not sure how we are going to pay for that, Nancy will probably have to take more out of her IRA and she’s already spent, I think, about $23,000 out of pocket for medical stuff for me. She’s even going to run our taxes separately to see if that makes a difference.  I know I did not make very much at the beginning of 2011.
Tinnitus is really bugging me tonight so I am not real happy. It seems to be more of a whinning noise today, yuk!   Think I might try a long walk tomorrow and see how I feel. Might take Heidi out too and Bella, I might try to do a short walk with her.   But I am concerned about going out too far or too long since my deposition is Wed so I might just do the block several times.  And I do have PT tomorrow evening and don’t want to be wiped out.
April 16, Monday   Damn tinnitus is still there but not too very bad, been worse but has been a lot better at times.  Just got through doing some pt exercises and I still feel so puny and weak, I know I am a bit stronger but it sure does not feel like it.  Ankle is bugging me today, and hurts, but I am lucky in that it could be lots worse. And my right forearm is a bit funky too, kinda like it starting to be numb.
It is an excellent day for at least a short walk so I’ll take Heidi out for a bit and then Bella.  Don’t want to do too much since PT is on the schedule for this evening.  I did sign up for a free seminar/dinner for neuropathy.  Just curious is there anything for my feet/ankle.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  Since this is free I really can’t lose.
Oops, PT is Tuesday and Fri this week because of the deposition.  So I might do a longer walk today. So I did take Heidi out.  Sunny and quite warm and actually sweated a bit and that did feel good.  But I feel like I just ran a hard trail race and as I think about it, maybe the walks are these are harder given my current condition and not nearly as much fun as trails.  Gotta do them if I want to get back to a semi- me.
I am tired but really want to do sometime constructive but too restless to take a nap.  I did trim a small bit of ivy and roses before the battery conked out. Not sure if I’d been able to do much more.  Dang, no like this!   I did finally get enough energy to take Bella for a 1 lap walk.  I almost feel like if I hit the bed I’d fall asleep in seconds but I won’t.
Another random thought:  I’d only been awake from the coma for a couple of days when Nancy told me I a had 5 ½ hour pelvis surgery.  I looked at my hip and said  “Where’s the bandages?”  She said “You healed while you were in the coma.”  I’ll probably remember lots of little bits and pieces like that for the next few months. Oh, another one: When I first woke up and started therapy my right leg simply would not straighten.  It was as though I was sitting in a chair and the leg was bent 90 degrees.  It took many months and lots of pt but now I can nearly extend it completely straight, just a little more I will be there.
Just looking back at when I first started walking the ‘block’, it took me up to 14 or 15 minutes to make one lap.  Now I am consistently around 7:30 minutes, some slower and some a little faster.
Wed April 18  Today was interesting: gave part of my deposition about the accident.  Mostly talked about my medical condition since the accident and just a little about biking and running.  The defense attorney thought I was a big time biker and I am not, just a average joe blow that does a little mountain biking for fun and a little cross training, lots more into running.  That probably helped our case just a little and I’ll take all the help I can get.  Anyways I did not have to expound too much on my condition since they have everything anyway.  We were there for about 3 hours and our attorney was ready to knock off for the day before I said anything I should not say and I was started to get just a little tired.  Don’t know when we’ll convene again. Ron, our attorney, does expect a bit of fight but we’ll get to that soon enough and hopefully there will be a settlement by June/July.  Heck, if the settlement is right, I’ll settle yesterday
I am soooo sleeeeepy but it is waaaaayyyyyy too early for bed, only 6 pm.  Need to wait until at least 9pm before I conk out. I guess getting up at 6:30 is part of the problem and maybe my go juice from the deposition is running out.   Think I’ll eat the rest of my burger and have a cup of soup and make me really sleeeepppyyyy.
Heidi can be such a pest but a fun one.  She has a favorite cloth snake that she carries around a lot and loves to retrieve it.  I can now throw it overhand with my right hand, not very far or very well.  Several months ago I just could not begin to throw overhand so it is a tiny bit of progress.  I look at everything that is hard for me to do as a bit of physical therapy, like putting dishes up or reaching for something up high.  I do lots with my right hand even though it might be easier with my left hand.
Thur 4-18  Took Heidi out for our usual walk and just barely our fastest time.  Later I took Bella and she pulls and pulls to the right just a little.  She could be better but could be a whole lot worse.  I think I am over, or mostly over my wussiness, I think can walk along a busy street and do the crosswalks w/o any problem.  I did have real concerns for a long time.

It’s not the amount of years in your life that count, it’s the amount of life in your years!!!!  Stole that from a FB friend!

Just remembering when I was in the hospital a year ago and I could just barely turn to either side, I needed to use the handrails to turn just a little.  Even when we had the rental hospital bed it was still much the same.  It’s only been in the last few weeks could I comfortably do a 360 turn.  Now I can even lay flat on my stomach and not have my shoulder or elbow yelling at me! I can even bend over enough to somewhat comfortably tie my shoes.  For months I had to put my right foot up on something to get to it.

Sat April 21   Just realized my tinnitus has not been too bad for a couple of days, Yea!!! Did my 2 mile walk w/o Heidi and was 4 min slower L   But still I remember when I first got on the treadmill and 1 mph for 5 min was all I could do and now, almost I can do almost 2 mph for an hour in a real walk.J

Speaking of walking, I totaled the miles thru April 21st and I have done 26 miles total, WowJ

Instead of Gatorade, I’m making homemade electrolytes with Agave syrup, a tiny bit of salt, lemon juice and it seems to work just fine.  Lots cheaper than store bought!  From what I’ve read, a hell of lot better for the body than Gatorade.

Sunday April 22 Today might be a good day for bitchin bout myself since it is a grey cooler funkyish day.  My ankle hurts and seems to really yucky.  I might see if I can get a compression sock on, I seem to have a little bit of swelling.  Vision in my right is virtually all gone, I can see a tiny bit but is worse than useless.  My hip is apparently not happy about the walk yesterday but I might try to go to another longer walk just something to do since Nancy is going to work and then see Kay, her very long time friend.  And to heck with my hip.  Tinnitus is still at bay, yea!

I did ½ mile walks with Bella and Heidi one at a time and then, then set out for another 2 mile walk. Did it in 1 hour flat, and fastest time yet.  Guess it’s the ol’ runner in me seeing how much faster I can do something.  For a very long time I really did not try to go faster but just really to be fairly consistent on longer runs.  Now I want to get down to a 20-22 minute mile and I know it’ll take a long few weeks/months to get there.  Once there, I don’t have a clue other than work on my endurance, really want to do 5 and 10ks.  The biggest hold back at the moment is my ankle. When I walk even a little the ankle seems not to like that worth a damn and wants be swollen for revenge, crap! 

I really want to drive by the end of summer.  My head seems to be on a little bit better, finally! and the foot, well, we will see if I can drive a bit.   I am gettin really tired of not being me: ankle hurts and does not flex, drop foot, hip hurts, shoulder aches, elbow is funky, and course vision sucks.  Oh, forgot about the tingling numb right fingers.  I think that is about all I can bitch about for now.

The old horse in the stable yearns to run free.  Chinese saying?  No clue, but it does apply to me.  I’ve never really felt old, just a little slower in running but, dang it, I could still do lots more work than most of the Labor Ready guys that worked with me in the last several years, what a bunch of wussies!   Up until the accident I had faster races than lots and lots of younger runners.  At the Camp Pendleton Mud Runs I almost always placed in my age group and very often could have been in the top 5 or ten for two/three age groups below me.

Running log:  In the last 10-15 years I have really never kept a log like I used to, now I do wish I did.  It’d be nice to know the mileage, where and time.  But…more importantly who was on the run and maybe remember some of the great stories.  I still have most of those logs and I do like to thumb through them and read about the ol’ training runs and races.  Brings back lots of memories.

Tuesday April 24  Going to a free seminar and free food with a Dr Shaw, DC. He’s done lots of advertising in the paper and my first impression is “He’s a quack.”  May not be but I’ll listen and go from there.  Like I’ve mentioned before I can now readily understand why people fall for quacks. 

Went to Dr. Shaws seminar yesterday, it was good and interesting and I’ve already set up an appt for tomorrow.  Not really sure if he can help me cause I am not the typical patient.   But… it is worth a try.

Went to the Snails meeting last night, just to make an appearance.  A number of folks kept telling me how good I looked.  I really don’t know, perhaps from an outwardly appearance it might be true. But….damn it, if only the rest of me would to continue to improve.  I know some things are a little better but others flare up and make matters worse and all I wanna do is just simply heal and be better.  No swollen or hurting ankle, no blood clots, no numb feet would be a fantastic start.

Went to Dr, Shaw’s office today for an evaluation, and it seems they could help me.  But, it is $2,000 to as much as $7,000.  I really don’t want to make that kind of money commitment just yet, not until the settlement is reached.  I might try the acupuncture first and that will definitely be lots less and she might be able to help my hand. I think are other DC treatments  available so I’ll look around.

I am doing some digging on the internet trying to find neuropathy doctors and there is one in Garden Grove that seems particularly interesting and he is a lot closer than Dr. Shaws office.  If I could drive that would not be a big deal but since there is no driving for me, yet, I kinda need to stick fairly close!

Thurs  April 26   Lousy day  just feel worth a damn, not sick, just not worth a hoot.  Feet hurt, ankle is crappy and my old compression ankle support is too small and so I ordered another off the web that is adjustable and maybe I can get it on without too much trouble..  Spent some time searching for neuropathic doctors close by and there is one I’ll call tomorrow.  Hopefully the consultation fee is not too much and I can in pretty quick.

Friday April 27 I did call Dr. Cho DC and set up an appt for next Wed. and I am really lookin forward to it. I did do some research on their equipment: it is really mainstream and used by a lot of hospitals, clinics and others.  I really want to try it and see how their treatment works on me. I do feel better today but feet and ankle still hurt so I suppose it is the cool, damp grey days that really makes me feel crappy and dumpy.  Today is much nicer than yesterday and did 3 laps around our block, slowest I’ve done in weeks, just could not get motivated to do any faster.

“Should” is an often used word but boy, it is loaded.  It “should” work, you “should” feel better now, there “should” be another way, and so on.  I really “should” be better, ack!!!!!

One of the keys to keep me from going into a deep funk is reading lots on Facebook, the Headz website, and anything related to trail running.  I devour any easy reading on health, science fiction, science, fun stories etc.  The Kindle Nancy got me is it!

April 28  Sat  Mike and Yvone Miller came over today, he needed to do an interview with some older folks, me, about retirement and life in general.  We talked a bit about early schooling, career choices, marriage and in-laws, kids etc.  I am lucky in that I have a great wife, had great in-laws, kids are now doing great, have good friends and so life is pretty darn decent.  Now only if I only I could heal and I will be working on hard that. 

Went to a concert at Soka University down by Mission Viejo.  Great little concert by the Pacific Symphony.  I just wore black Dockers, nice shirt and dark sport jacket.  My attire was really set off my Brooks running shoes since that is all I can wear with the ankle brace

April 29  Sunday  Another nice day and started to pass going to Costco with Nancy, just did not feel like walking much.  She reminded me that their little electric carts are available and so I went.  Those little carts are kinda fun drive but I really don’t like appearing old, frail, and handicapped. 

Took another nap this evening, 2nd one this week and it was a good one, I saw myself actually doing a slow jog so maybe the upcoming foot treatments are more than an illusion. Damn tinnitus is back but I did have a few days either w/o or just barely there and I actually had about a week mostly without it.  Now, if it would only do that all the time.

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Bella, Heidi and I out for one of our first walks  Probably bout time to wrap this chapter up and so now done!

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